I have to tell him it's over. Help me stay strong in that decision.

posted 1 year ago in No Kids
Post # 61
6602 posts
Bee Keeper

I too were expecting you would at least SPEAK to him..Are you moving out of his house before he gets back? I’d get your shit packed ASAP. 

Post # 62
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

Bee, it seems like you’ve already ended it and based on some of the responses you’re getting I understand if you don’t come back.  But I also see some of my past self in you and can’t help but respond.  I too am CFBC and navigating this was a big deal for me while dating.  It’s a challenge because when there are clear compatibility issues I 100% agree you don’t want to have to break things off when you’re already more emotionally invested.  BUT, I do think there are a lot of people who live in the gray area of maybe, someday wanting kids and at least in my case if I wrote all of them off, I think I would still be single.  To be clear I am NOT saying you should compromise on having kids if you don’t want them.  But saying, in passing, you could, maybe someday want kids is not the same thing as saying you’d end a relationship with someone who is CFBC to have them.

My fiance in the gray area and I distinctly remember a moment in early dating when I was drunk and crying about this on his bed.  There were impulsive times I wanted to break it off but I’m glad I didn’t.  Instead I learned to be better at having honest conversations and talking things out vs. assuming or being impulsive.  We’ve both settled into the place where we aren’t (me either) saying 100% we won’t have kids, but it’s highly unlikely and we’re both ok with that.

I should also say we joke about ‘our kids’ all the time.  It doesn’t at all mean we’d actually have them it’s more a funny hypothetical thing to talk about that is usually making a joke about our shared traits.

I think this is hard thing to navigate and took some maturing for me to figure out how to deal with.  No one should compromise on their beliefs or what is important to them, but sometimes the other person’s desires may not be black and white.  You have to find the balance between sticking up for your beliefs and also realizing that sometimes there are no guarantees and you have to go with things anyway.  Kids are a big thing and, understandably, often times people change their minds in both directions because it’s hard to say what you hypothetically could want somewhere down the road.  Even 2 CFBC people have no guarantees that either one won’t change their mind.  At some point I had to realize there is always some risk and uncertainty in love and you have to make safe bets.

Post # 63
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Wow.   I figured you had your mind made up so there was no point in saying anything about that but for you to “peace out” by text???  Way to woman up….not!

Post # 64
947 posts
Busy bee

Ohhh wow, I’ve been following this and didn’t expect it to end up this terribly.  

For one, I was hoping OP would do the right thing by this man and make sure that they had the chance to sit down and really hash this out.  

For another, I was hoping that if she’d truly made up her mind, she would do the kind thing and end it by phone as soon as possible. 

Of course, this whole thing falls apart via text because she can’t get her big girl panties on.  UGH.

Post # 65
898 posts
Busy bee

An adult conversation would have been very helpful here

Post # 66
112 posts
Blushing bee

I too am CFBC, and I know dating can be challenging (I wasted a couple years with a fence sitter who was always making  comments about how “kids aren’t so bad” or that he might want some). It wasn’t until I started looking for a doctor to sterilize me that he took me seriously. And then we broke up.

That being said, I do not think you needed to break up with this guy. What you need to do is get yourself fixed (you said you’re 30ish which is when doctors are more willing to do it). Then, any guy dating you knows it is just not even an option. My fiance and I got engaged after only a year, and I think a huge part of that was because he’d gotten a vasectomy shortly before we met, and I had my appointment to get my tubes removed around that same time (have since had the surgery, so we are super sterile. 😜) We know we are on the same page about this, and there is no going back. Guys can change their minds for much longer than women since they can get someone pregnant basically until their deathbed, unlike women who only have a set amount of years where pregnancy is a real and healthy option.  So I do think a guy who’s hinting at wanting kids will likely decide he does want them even if that means having them 5, 10, or 15 years down the road. But I do think getting yourself fixed is going to make things a lot easier and more clear for you. Communicating will also help a lot. He may have said he wanted kids, but if he had to choose between having kids and having you, he might have chosen you (and like I said, he does have a long time to change his mind, so it’s not like your wasting his fertile years if he does eventually decide he *needs* to have kids). That’s a risk you will have to take with every single guy you end up with who hasn’t already had a vasectomy. So making sure there’s no ambiguity about it on your end is the smartest, best way to make sure you only date guys who can accept being with you means not having kids.

Post # 68
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

If you don’t kids because you don’t want them, that’s one thing. However, if you’e concerned about genetics then technology has come a long way. There are all kinds of reproductive genetic tests available, including PGS, which is capable of a massive amount of pre-implantation testing. You do what works for you if you genuinely don’t want them ever, but if this is a decision out of fear it doesn’ have to be.

Post # 69
1036 posts
Bumble bee

Shina :  I am so sorry this happened to you but in glad you’ve found happiness! I really wish OP would have read this response before breaking up with him through text… I feel so sorry for the guy.

Post # 70
1452 posts
Bumble bee

mrspuppylove :  Thank you so much.  It’s shocking to me that so many women are so focused on “saving” their heart and feelings that they don’t stop to consider there are TWO people invested in the relationship (not just them) and that the other person’s heart and feelings can be shattered as well.  

OP, you were so focused on saving your own feelings & future from getting hurt that in the end, you didn’t give two f*cks about how this would impact your boyfriend.  Don’t you think it’s a bit hypocritical of you to sit there all “hurt” and indignant that he’s responded the way he did?  You reap what you sow.

Post # 71
1030 posts
Bumble bee

I understand your sudden panic and desire to cut things off before you get more involved and hurt, Bee. Running away and yanking off the bandaid can feel like the easiest, least painful choice for yourself, and I hope it will end up feeling that way for you.  Good luck in your future finding a solidly CFBC man to explore a relationship with.

That said, this man went away for school and left you in his home, enmeshed in his life.  Very abruptly, you sent him a text and broke up with him. He could be thinking all sorts of things: she cheated on me, she found someone else, she can’t do long distance, etc.  Because you decided not to wait to speak with him or even to call him, it is fair for him to go completely silent.  And, to expect you out of his home and out of his life permanently now.  I’m sure this is extremely painful to him.  I hope you honor your original plan and make sure that you leave that home IMMEDIATELY.  Your other thread here mentioned that you hadn’t heard from him in 5 days.  I hope you are now packed and relocated, as it isn’t appropriate to be in that home any longer unless you are on the lease.

You picked the delivery method and the abrupt style of breakup. It isn’t fair for you to now expect any contact whatsoever from him.  He certainly doesn’t owe you any emotions, pleading, conversation, acknowledgement that he is not CFBC as you originally thought or anything else.  So I would let that go.  This was how you wanted it.  Pack your things and go begin your new life.

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