I have to tiptoe around talk of wedding planning with my fiancé…

posted 7 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’d give him back the ring. He clearly isn’t ready to get married.

Post # 3
504 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m so sorry this is happening and that you are going through this.  I hate to say it but from outside perspective, it sounds like he is terrified to get married.  I can’t tell you why, but how you describe his reactions it seems like it seems very “fight or flight” instinct when the wedding is brought up and he is choosing “fight”.  If you suggested just going down to the courthouse/eloping what would his thoughts on that be.  He keeps saying that he can’t give you the wedding you deserve because of his lack of family.  Would you be happy getting rid of the wedding concept all together and celebrating just the two of you the act of getting married.  His response to this will tell you what you need to know.  If he is terrified of the wedding, or terrified of the marriage.  If it’s the marriage, you obviously have a bigger decision on your hands.  If he is up for elopement, then are you ok to give up the traditional idea of wedding in order to have a marriage with him?

Post # 4
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

 throwitaway517491056 :  I think you do need to sit down and have a conversation with him. Ask him why he’s feeling the way he is. Give examples like you have done here. I would also express to him that it hurts when he reacts the way he has over something you’re excited about. Reassure him that he is the person you want to be with and has everything you want/need. Whether it’s emotional, financial, or some other reason, you both need to get to the bottom of it. Tell him you’re here for him and that you two will get through things together. If there does seem to be a lot of deeper reasons for him to react this way, you may need to go to couple’s counseling to help get to the root of everything. I hope everything works out for you two!

Post # 5
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

To be honest, I’ve never heard of a guy screaming and crying at the prospect of a seemingly voluntary marriage. It does seem a very extreme reaction. I would also return the ring gently and explain that the time doesn’t seem right.

Post # 6
1527 posts
Bumble bee

Why weren’t you able to purchase photos yourself? If you have the screen shoots, clearly you could have reached out to the photog yourself?

Regardless, your FI needs to talk to someone or you need to walk. 

Post # 7
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Eekkk. Red flags all over honey. He doesn’t seem ready. I’m sorry. 

Post # 8
466 posts
Helper bee

I wouldn’t be rushing into marriage with a man who backed me into a corner to scream at me….

Post # 9
7074 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

pond :  +1 His behavior is completely unacceptable! If he has concerns about a wedding or getting married that’s one thing, you could discuss them, get to the root of the problem and come up with solutions.

Backing you into a corner and yelling at you is abusive. It’s never an acceptable way to deal with your emotions or how you should handle a disagreement. You should never have to tip toe around an issue, you should never be afraid of your SO.

If I were you, I’d seriously consider if this really the type of relationship you want to be in.

Post # 10
2087 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

To me it sounds like he has expectations for the wedding day and the fact that those expectations aren’t going to become reality is freaking him out. When he’s facing a problem, does he tend to sort of hide and ignore it, or face it head on? Because to me, he sounds like he’s filled with anxiety and emotion and he’s not handling it correctly. 

You two need to sit down and discuss things. Maybe an elopement would be the better option here. If he’s feeling upset that his parents can’t be there, perhaps no one should. Get to the bottom of whether or not he wants to get married. I think he does, but I don’t think he wants a wedding. So let him think about what HE wants. An expensive celebration might not be best in this situation.

But definitely stop planning for the moment. You two are not on the same page, and it sounds like he’s going through something. He’s clearly upset about his parents, and he’s envisioning some sort of magical fairytale wedding that he knows he can’t give you. That’s why he’s shying away from planning. And he’s taking his emotions out on you, which is NOT okay. 

Stop planning the wedding. Consider therapy, especially for him. And figure out what type of wedding would be best given these circumstances.

Post # 11
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017 - Nepal

throwitaway517491056 :  He doesn’t want a wedding but I don’t necessarily think that means he doesn’t want to marry you. I imagine it is very hard for him to be excited about such an important event with your closest friends and family and he won’t have his parents there. This is why my husband and I decided on a private ceremony. My husband’s parents are also a narcissist and an enabler. They are incredibly toxic and we haven’t had contact with them in over 3 years. I could not have a traditional wedding because it broke my heart thinking about how painful that would be for him to not have his parents at his wedding, even if that were his own choice. Would you be willing to forgo a traditional wedding if it eased his pain? I think you need to distinguish whether this is about the wedding or marriage. 

Post # 12
6336 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

I think he gave you a ring to keep you around, honestly.

Or maybe he doesn’t want a wedding but does want to marry you?

Post # 13
2940 posts
Sugar bee

Regardless of alllllll that stuff and whatever, ANY man who backed me into a corner and yelled at me ONE TIME would be waving goodbye to the crack of my ass. That’s a wrap.

Post # 14
4880 posts
Honey bee

Backing you into a corner and screaming at you is abusive. No-one has a right to do this to you & the fact that he physically traps you to listen to his tirade is a dealbreaker, not to mention potentially dangerous because the man is clearly out of control and this could escalate even further than it already has. 

If he’s screaming and crying when you try to talk to him he could have mental health issues and he needs to be assessed by a professional. This isn’t normal behaviour and it’s hurting you both. 

Post # 15
1738 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I haven’t lost either of my parents. I lost my aunt who I was very close to shortly after our wedding. If this marriage doesn’t work out the way I want it to and I get remarried, I can’t imagine having a big celebration again. I lost an aunt, not a parent and definitely not both parents, but the day wouldn’t feel the same without her there. Some of his comments seem to be stemming from this issue. He was very young to have lost both parents and a wedding is such a big thing that we think our parents will be there for.

Now with that said, that doesn’t excuse his behaviour towards you. Shouting at you and backing you into a corner is never OK. If he has a problem he needs to be able to talk it through with you. Now maybe he can’t or doesn’t know how to. So I would suggest counselling, try to find a way to talk about both of your emotions, try to work out if he’s having wedding anxiety or life stress or dealing with grief. Or likely all three.

Engagement isn’t just about the excitement of planning a wedding. It’s about building a foundation to build a marriage. Sometimes it isn’t exciting but sometimes neither is marriage. You’re starting to lose interest? In what? You can’t lose interest in a marriage just because it’s not exciting or because your partner isn’t matching your excitement.

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