I have to tiptoe around talk of wedding planning with my fiancé…

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
3970 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

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throwitaway517491056 :  Personally, I think you need to stop wedding planning and get this relationship sorted out. Sounds like he hasnt properly dealt with losing his parents. Everything seems to come back to that, so its obviously a big sticking point for him still. I think thats where you need to start.

-He IS thinking about the wedding, he brings up you deserving a great day and that he cant give it to you because of his deceased parents – this tells me that he has an idea in his head of what his wedding should be like and that includes his parents. Guys dont dream about weddings the way some women do, so cut him some slack there. 

-For the photos – why didnt you do it yourself? You’re a big girl, just order the pics! Ask him for the photogs info and just do it. 

– he backed you into a corner to yell at you?… DEAL BREAKER. Full stop. That would happen to me once and I’d be gone so fast he wouldnt know what happened. Why is this someone you want to marry? Why do you want to sign up for a life of being backed into corners and tiptoeing around a grown ass man whenever he is stressed or anxious. 

I dont think this is about his wanting to marry you, I think he probably loves you a lot. But I also think he’s emotionally stunted and has a lot of work to do. You can choose whether to help him through that or not. 

Post # 17
Member
2244 posts
Buzzing bee

He sounds unstable. 

Do you know of any screaming and crying incidents that happened before you met him or have happened since you’ve met him that aren’t related to your relationship? Does he have emotional outbursts when he feels pressure at work or school?

Take your relationship out of the picture, and look at his behavior as a whole and him as an individual: are there other signs of instability?

Post # 18
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2026

A tip on hiring a photographer: Read the contract carefully. I almost hired a photographer who would not give me the rights to the photos she took, so if I wanted anything from the gallery, I would have had to pay for it. 

Your Fiance needs to stop being so dramatic. He does not need to “give” you anything. You could skip the whole big party if it is painful and just have a courthouse wedding or elope in some distant island. 

Post # 19
Member
11428 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Sounds like he has some issues he hasn’t worked out, but backing you into a corner to scream at you is bullsh*t. 

I would have a sit down with him, lay it out on the table, tell him his behavior is unacceptable and that if he’s conflicted about the wedding, this isn’t the way to handle it. But since he didn’t handle it, you will. And then return his ring to him and tell him you love him but it’s obvious he’s not ready to be a husband. 

 

Post # 20
Member
2310 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

Have you asked him why? My husband is estranged from his parents, with a dose of cult upbringing and abuse, and would you like a side of alcoholism with that? and those are just his parents. 😉

Anyway, my husband is weird about identifying emotions. Things are not always linear. We usually try to get to the bottom of the ‘feeling’. 

I don’t suggest, leaving. Not yet. I bet you can figure it out. 

Post # 21
Member
32 posts
Newbee

Would you consider eloping? Maybe he doesn’t want a big ceremony.

I don’t want a ceremony either because I have no friends to invite, and barely any family…just parents.

Why didn’t you buy the engagement photos yourself? If you wanted him to pay for some of it, I would just buy it myself and ask him to pay me back half. I love photos. Those would have been purchased by me right away instead of waiting around for him to do it.

Post # 22
Member
8938 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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throwitaway517491056 :  “He goes from 0 to 100, screaming, crying, even backing me into corners to yell. I just didn’t picture planning my wedding like this.” — This goes WAY beyond “not ready for marriage.” Backing you into a corner to yell is abuse. It is assault. Your “fiance” is assaulting you. Forget about how you pictured your wedding planning, is this how you picture your LIFE? Because this is a glimpse into your future life with this man. Why do you think you deserve someone who screams, cries, and backs you into corners to yell at you for wanting to have a reasonable rational discussion? Nobody deserves that. Why are you putting up with it?

Post # 23
Member
1537 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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throwitaway517491056 :  I read the entirety of your long post and the only mention I see of input from him is this:

“Around the start of 2015, I started to bring up the topic of marriage. It seemed like the natural evolution of our relationship, and he agreed.

You ask why would he propose and then act this way.  It sounds like he proposed because he was just going along with what you say.  Because his true take is “I hate the institution of marriage anyway.”

Also I’m confused as all heck about your engagement photos and whether you are laying this at your FI’s door too?  One, I don’t see how your photographer could possibly give you the gallery but not the actual photos…I have never heard of this.  Two, what does this have to do with your Fiance not being enthused about wedding talk?  Are you saying you not having engagement photos back is partly his fault?  If not, then why is the engagement-photos issue part of your post…?

Post # 24
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee

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pond :  Plus 1.

Seems like if you are already walking around on egg shells that this could be the start of a very long emotionally abusive relationship.

OP, you should never feel like you are walking around on egg shells around you’re partner. That’s just a recepie for diaster. I personally would give him back the ring and explain that the timing isn’t right.

Post # 25
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I would seek counseling (and I NEVER reccomend that).  But it seems like the loss of his parents isn’t something he ever actually dealt with.  Does he get wierd on holidays; Christmas, Mother’s/Father’s day?

Post # 26
Member
234 posts
Helper bee

There’s a fine line on what’s the beginning of a toxic relationship or not and right now it seems that you are approaching that territory 🙁 Sorry you are experiencing this, bee. Planning a marriage should never start off with being afraid to bring up wedding talk in fear of being yelled at! Your Fiance, though thoughtful and everything you say he is, does not seem ready for marriage. Wish you all the best, good luck <3

Post # 27
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

No no no no no no no! He has issues. Lots of people get married whose parents have passed away. You’re not marrying his parents you’re marrying him. Of course he will miss having parents there but he is a grown man and should be looking forward to marrying the woman of his dreams. The lack of having his parents there shouldn’t overshadow that and if it does he hasn’t ever dealt with their loss or grown emotionally since then. That being said – screaming, crying, backing you into a wall! Again no no no no no no no! This shows he is not a grown man -he is a little boy struggling in a man’s body. You do not want to be married to a little boy! Trust me! Every time he feels anxious or uncertain you will be his dumping ground and it will suck big time! He sounds like he definitely needs counseling and has a lot of emotional and insecurity issues to deal with. This could literally take years. Can you imagine if he’s acting this way about marriage how he will behave when the subject of children comes up if you want any? He doesn’t sound mature enough to be raising children anyway because he hasn’t finished growing up himself. Any life you have with him will be a life of walking on eggshells and catering to his every mood and whim. You will spend all of your energy trying to keep him from going over the deep end over every little thing and lose yourself in the process. AND as he learns that you will do that and put up with his shit he will continue the behavior because you will have become  his enabler. He needs tough love and tough love means you two part ways -you find your happiness and he finds his manhood (or doesn’t). And don’t forget the part where he criticizes you for not listening enough although you’ve been listening and listening and listening! He’s trying to guilt you to sidetrack you from the real issues. 

I say run fast and far away from this man. Love does not conquer all -but his behavior will eventually conquer your love… and your spirit and your soul.

Good luck whatever u choose

Post # 28
Member
4813 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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throwitaway517491056 :   Your dream of being married is not also his dream.  

My suggestion would be to first return the engagment ring.  It clearly is meaningless – to him.  If you are determined to stay with him, seek joint and individual counseling.  If you are ready to move on, and feel you deserve someone who would be thrilled to spend his life married to you, then do it.  

Post # 29
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2017

There’s a chance that the thought of a wedding makes him feel like he’s not able to give you what you deserve. This is a not an excuse for his actions… but some people act out when they feel insecure and incapable. It’s not rational, but it is explainable. 

I say this because I can sort of see where he’s coming from in terms of the parents thing. I also don’t really have parents or much of a family (mom passed away and dad is estranged). I feel like I am incapable of giving my fiance a full life. The fact that you “have processed a lot of grief” over the fact that you won’t have in-laws confirms this. Imagine how he feels when he has no living family member to witness this marriage.

You may not blame him for this, but he feels like it’s his fault nonetheless. In his mind, if you were with someone else, you would probably have those engagement photos and a big supportive in-law family, etc. When you don’t have much to bring to your wedding in terms of family and funding, it takes away the excitement.. especially if you aim to provide. 

I don’t know what advice I could give, but I hope this can at least help you understand it from another point of view. 

Post # 30
Member
3250 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I think he gave you the ring but I don’t think his heart was in it. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. You deserve someone who is excited for marriage.

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