(Closed) I have to wait 3 years to marry the love of my life.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 76
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

I’m going to chime in on the ‘just be patient’ train.  I know it’s hard, but 3 years will pass before you know it.  Perhaps, as others have suggested, discuss an engagement timeline with your boyfriend with the intention of getting married relatively soon after graduation (and after you’ve found jobs).  

Don’t be too anxious to rush out of the dating phase.  The dating phase holds a special place in every married couple’s ‘story’.  Those late night phone calls where you talk for hours, cheesy poems, and the anticipation of seeing each other are things that you will look back on with fondness.  Not to say that marriage isn’t romantic or fun; it is, but it’s also filled with day-to-day minutiae, chores, and the responsibilities of life.  

I’d also say, as others have, that you will end up being thankful you waited those 3 years.  You will grow and change so much as you go through college.  You may think that, at 19/20ish, you have it all figured out– but in just a few years you will look back and think to yourself, “Thank goodness I didn’t get married so young–I’ve learned so much since then!”  This is especially true as you seemingly have no adult responsibilities yet.  If your parents are paying for college, and you aren’t working while going to school, I think it’s safe to assume that your living expenses are either being covered by your parents or through student loans.  Life is a whole different ball game when you have all of those responsibilities, and it tends to be a wake up call for a lot of young adults.

In addition, be thankful that you two are setting yourself up to start your marriage off on a good financial foot.  While it seems like such a romantic thing to live in a cramped apartment, living off Ramen, and never having money to go out– it’s far less romantic in actuality and quite a bit more stressful than you can imagine.  My husband and I started our marriage with financial difficulties.  We got married after I graduated and started working, and he had one semester left.  We thought a well-paying job for him would be immediate…  we were naive.  For about 6 months, we were living off my low entry-level wages and couldn’t afford anything to the point we were getting our groceries from a local charity.  Thankfully we never had an unexpected financial hardship happen during that time (like a major car repair), and thankfully he did find a job before too long.  But, I can tell you from experience, that type of financial situation is by no means romantic and it definitely increases the stress in a relationship.  We worked through it, and learned a lot of lessons on the way that have been beneficial, but I would never advise someone to knowingly put themselves in that situation.  

Post # 77
Member
4240 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

One final thing before I peace out of this: “I’m not in a rush, I just dont want to wait 3 years. I would rathar wait 1 or 2… I am ready to vow myself to this man for life and take his last name, sleep curled up next to him every night and be his biggest encourager/supporter. “

I have to say…I find this ironic.  You’re not in a rush but yet you would rather wait 1 or 2 years instead of 3.  Sweetheart, that’s the DEFINITION of being in a rush.  If your love is indeed as strong as you say it is, 3 years will be a drop in the bucket.  As you proceed with all this I ask that you think about the things that I outlined above and be realistic with this entire process.  Best of luck.

Post # 78
Member
13519 posts
Honey Beekeeper

You’ve only really been together in one place for a year. And that was when you were still a teenager in high school.  Your relationship is still in the romantic high of the  “honeymoon” stage  and you’ve never really dated, let alone dated this person as the fully mature person you will become. 

Give yourself the gift of time in order to learn and grow and become the people you will be. Speaking of which, I think your self described severe ADHD is behind some of the impulsive focus to get married now,today.  Maybe you will end up with this person in the end, but your first responsibility is to get to know yourself. 

Post # 79
Member
724 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
LaHormiga:  I’m not the OP. Also she is in the same situation, it was a misunderstanding. She was saying that she was in the exact same situation and it was no different, I thought she was saying that her boyfriend had a ring and the wait bettween him getting it and giving it to her was the exact same thing as what the OP, I and a few other people who commented are experiencing. Turns out I just didn’t read her full comments. 

Again, I did not start this thread. Her situation, my situation and OP’s situatiom is pretty much the same if you had read the whole thing. Once again- a misunderstanding…

Post # 80
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Wow being broke is definitely NOT romantic. It may seem like a romantic comedy but its not. At all. It’s stressful and straining on a relationship. i know that’s hard to fathom for someone who has never had to be on their own financially. Grow up a little more. I changed so much in college. Heck, I’ve changed into almost a completely different person in my early 20s. Adulthood does that to you. I’ve known my Fiance almost my whole life but we’ve lived apart until we were mid-20s. I made it a priority to grow and live on my own before getting married. Have your own dreams, passions and your own life. Your older self will thank you for it. 

Post # 81
Member
766 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
BlushingHoneybee:  All I could think of while reading her reply was the episode of Boy Meets World when Cory and Topanga move into their shitty little apartment and get mad at his parents for not helping them buy their dream house. Being broke is, like you said, NOT romantic or fun.

OP, money is very high on the list of reasons for marital arguments divorce, and honestly that’s why I would advocate living together before getting married, even if, like a PP suggested, you have to sleep in separate rooms. Learning to live independently is a HUGE factor in the “growth spurt” everyone is talking about here. Living independently of your parents is very rewarding but it takes some work to get it right just for yourself, nevermind with a partner. Your responsibilities and priorities change and that comes with some growing pains. I was 20 when I met DH and knew I wanted to marry him, but we got married 4 years later once we had a home and were both in stable jobs. Even my parents, old school Catholics, encouraged us to live together before getting engaged. Long-term relationships especially are guilty of getting you used to seeing your SO “on vacation”, i.e. when you’re not working or entrenched in your day-to-day routine. The only time you spend together is time you’ve carved out to do that and nothing else. It’s inherently less stressful and NOT representative of what marriage is like. There is no replacement for learning how your partner deals with a bad day at work, or handles their money day-to-day. 

Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself. I understand your vent, it sucks to watch other people take the steps you think you’re ready for. But take a second, breathe, and try to use this time to prepare yourself to be a supportive and proactive partner.

Post # 82
Member
7780 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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courtneyjobe:  you do not HAVE to wait to get engaged or married. You have made the choice to wait.  YOUR CHOICE. Others have made the choice to get engaged/married sooner. I find it sad that you resent their happiness and hope you can focus on being the happiest you can be with the choices you have made. 

Post # 83
Member
4240 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Mmmkay, tapping back in to clarify my statement of living COMPLETELY independently.  There’s something to say about being able to pay for the roof over your head 100% on your own, with no one else helping out.  I’ll be the first to admit I’m too damn independent for my own good, but the thing is if you go straight from living with parents/being supported by parents to living with a partner/being supported by a partner quite honestly does not teach you how to completely rely on yourself.  Having the ability to trust and rely on yourself is SO important.

Example: my fiance’s brother’s girlfriend is about the same age as the OP.  She went from living with her parents to living with her then boyfriend.  She then went from living with that other boyfriend to living with my fiance’s family.  Then she and my fiance’s brother moved to an apartment.  Note the theme.  She has never lived completely independently.  And you know what?  She is insanely dependent on my future bro-in-law because of it.  For example: she had car trouble once and couldn’t even figure out how to call a tow truck.  She hysterically called my bro-in-law (who was a few hours away) who then called my fiance who was closer…and my fiance had to go save her and help her out.  3 hours later…my fiance shows up at my apartment and just gives me a huge hug thanking me for being able to take care of myself.

It’s really awesome to have a partner who is reliable and when you are in a pickle he/she jumps in and helps out.  It’s really NOT awesome to be that girl who can’t take care of herself…

Post # 84
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I just made an account specifically to comment on your thread. I just got engaged to my fiance after dating for about 3 years. We met right into freshman year and knew right off the bat that we wanted to get married. We originally wanted to wait until after I got out of grad school, trying to be all responsible and such, but we had decided early on to wait until marriage for sex and unfortunately went a little past our boundaries kind of early and knew we needed to get married as soon as we could if we wanted to wait. We are now planning on getting married late summer after graduation. Everyone has pretty much commented on being patient and responsible to wait it out for the wedding, but I specifically wanted to reach out to you on the waiting to have sex part. I know very well that it is difficult. I will just go ahead and be honest and say that we didn’t quite make it to the wedding night. My point for commenting on this is because I really wish I had someone to talk to about it while we were waiting. Someone who could understand and support me. Someone who had been in my situation and could give me some solid advice. If you have any questions, seriously feel free to send me a message. I just wanted to throw out a last piece of advice. As hard as it seems to have to push back your boundaries, it is much more difficult to screw up and have to deal with wanting to take back your actions knowing you have to live with your decision for the rest of your life. I really wanted to make it to the wedding night, and now I messed up that experience for the both of us. I wish you the very best of luck with whatever decisions you decide to make.

Post # 85
Member
58 posts
Worker bee

Hi friend,

I understand that nobody’s stories and experiences are identical, but reading your post reminded me so much of myself (including many painful times) when I was a few years younger.

I met my fiance my second year of college, shortly before by 20th birthday. We spent 3 amazing years together before he graduated and moved away for his job. I was still in school for another couple years. (We both completed undergrad and grad school, so I was in college for 7 years and he was for 6). Our first jobs following college were in different states, so even after we were both done, we were miles apart for over a year and a half. We finally ended up with jobs in the same city early this year and got engaged last month.

So…we were dating for seven years prior to engagement. And let me tell you, over the course of those seven years, I went through many of the feelings that you mentioned. I would get upset when friends who had been dating for six months, a year, whatever, would get engaged. I truly felt like I “deserved” it more than they did because I had been with someone longer. It would be especially painful whenever I’d have my first friend that was dating someone for 2, 3, 4 years less than we were get engaged/married. Eventually, that pain subsided – I attended a wedding this spring for a very dear friend who had been with her husband a full SIX YEARS less than I had been with my fiance, and I felt nothing but joy for them. I hated waiting, and it took me years to feel at peace with where we are at. It took me years to realize that I wasn’t engaged/married because I wasn’t as smart, pretty, loveable etc as my friends but because we wanted to start our marriage on a solid foundation of completing college and grad school and having stable jobs in the same city, and that just wasn’t possible right away. What changed that allowed me to be at peace with my situation? Honestly, time. Believe me, I understand that is not helpful advice when you want something so badly now! And yes, we are also waiting for sleeping/living together, so it is possible to wait 7+ years. 🙂

Post # 86
Member
6333 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

Stop comparing your relationship with others.  Different circumstances dictate different timelines.  An adult understands that even though one would like things done in a certain timeline, what works best will take more time, and adapts expectations to what is possible.

Post # 87
Member
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

You sound so much like me. I joined the Bee when I was 19 and had been dating my high school boyfriend for 3 years. I’m 22 now, we’ve been together over 6 years, I graduated college in May, and still no ring.

I wanted to share because I empathize with your frustration. Take these next 3 years to build a wonderful foundation for your marriage to rest upon. Learn to cook together, discuss important topics and “What ifs” about future scenarios to work on figuring them out (hard conversations need to be talked about), read books on understanding each other and learn all that you can about your partner. You may know most of these things about your boyfriend, but there really is so many intimate things to dig up. By investing time now in a strong marital foundation, you’ll be more than ready to say “I do” when the time comes.

At least, that’s what has been keeping me sane while I still wait. 🙂

Post # 88
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

View original reply
courtneyjobe:  I am marrying my high school sweetheart. We have been dating now for 5 years and before that 5 years we talked basically for 2. We just got engaged in September but we also can’t get married due to school. Well that is school for me as he is not in school. I know exactly how you feel. There are people getting married that we went to school with that didn’t even date and I am like seriously I want that to be us. And then his brother got a girlfriend, married, and had a kid all within the last three years. I am not going to say I am not happy for them because I am. I wish everyone the best. But it is definitely hard to see them and not wish it was you and wish you could finally spend the rest of your life with your fiance. I haven’t found a way to make that feeling go away yet so I can’t offer advice there but I will say that time has already flew by and it will be here faster than you know it. Take it slow, enjoy planning the wedding, and don’t forget to continue to make your love grow each and everyday!

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