(Closed) I haven’t slept in days due to this (probably more emotional but I had to post)

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 14
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Don’t go! I am so sorry you are going through this!

I get into similar situations sometimes; try to remember that it’s not you, it’s them! It’s a shame you can’t just have a friendly, open and understanding relationship with his parents and that you can’t all just get along. But you know what, not every can get along with their in-laws and not every relationship is worth the effort.

It sounds like the bride and groom are understanding and it’s just the FMIL/FFIL who are being so destructive. As long as the couple is OK with you missing the wedding, that’s all that should matter.

I know it probably contributes to the issue, but reading all these stories I am so glad you live so far from these people!

Post # 15
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

This is insane. Wedding’s are important, but your degree and commitments are far more important than this ONE wedding. They’re being crazy. <3 If I were you, I probably still wouldn’t go to the wedding, and I would have a serious talk with the supervisors.

Post # 16
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011 - Bent Creek Winery (Livermore, California); Reception: Family Residence (San Ramon, California)

I don’t think you should go. It’s a wedding, and unfortunately, sometimes people have to miss weddings because of other commitments, like school, work, family obligations, etc. This is nothing against your FH’s family personally, you just have other commitments that you cannot drop to attend a party. 

And I agree: if you go, it only shows them that they can treat you like garbage, and you’ll do what they want. And that’s not a precedent I think you want to set for you relationship with these people. They need to know that they cannot bully people into getting their way. 

Post # 17
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee

@SimplyChic11: WOW.  Does his brother and Future Sister-In-Law even know whats going on??!  It sounds like they completely understood and its not like you are keeping your Fiance from going!  Definitely do not give in to them!  Email or talk to your professors asap and let them know you will not be absent and to please not communicate with them again.  Even if you could miss a day (which I know you can’t), missing even one day can be difficult to make up and cause you to fall behind.  They need to get over this.

Maybe make sure the brother knows the drama that is going on and the fact that your Future In-Laws may cause drama with your Fiance at the wedding??  If his parents on start a fight they shouldn’t be blind-sided with all this on their wedding day, which is supposed to be a happy day focused on them and not this mess.  I’m SO SORRY you’re going through this!

Post # 18
Member
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m glad your FH is so supportive in all this.  Honestly I think that at this point, your FH should cut them off completely.  If my parents acted like that, they would not hear from me again.  Like ever.  And I’d probably dance on their graves.  There is a basic respect that EVERYONE deserves, and the fact that they can’t give that to their FDIL is disturbing and wrong.  It’s also very typical for an affluent family to think that they can just call school faculty to demand their way.  I think you need to speak with your school and ask that they not discuss your business with anyone but you.  You can’t control his parents, but you do have privacy rights that the school must uphold.

Post # 19
Member
7683 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Don’t go.  Don’t risk graduating after all your hard work.  I unfortunately couldn’t end up graduating from a private university after completing 2 successful years.  I had professors against me because both my parents ended up with terminal illnesses at once.  I  owe $50K in student loans and will never be able to graduate with a Master’s Degree.  It was worth it to me because it had to do with helping parents at the end of their lives-but to miss out on your degree due to being a guest at a family wedding is not worth it. 

Post # 20
Member
4014 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Oh my God! I’m so sorry! You do not deserve to be treated that way, how juvenile of them! And to CALL your University!!!! ^&%%(&*(##$!!!! Unheard of! Stand your ground and I would seriously consider eliminating these people from your future. Just saying.

Post # 21
Member
7372 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’m sorry, you don’t deserve this. I defintely wouldn’t go cause they beyond crossed the line at this time.

Post # 22
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

I am so so sorry you have to deal with inlaws like this. As others have said- make sure you and your Fiance are totally united, and don’t go to that wedding!

Good luck to you.

Post # 23
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Okay, clearly his parents are crazy. Clearly it’s important that you attend these classes. As much as it sucks to give an inch at all here, is it possible to find some middle ground compromise.

You said in your first post that FH was your only way to the wedding, I assume this is because you only have one car. Is it possible to rent a car and drive yourself on Thursday after class or else Friday morning (if that would get you there in time for the wedding)? If you don’t drive – would it be possible for them to send a car (you said they are rather well off) to drive you.

I know it sucks to have to give into them in anyway, but they are clearly putting you through a LOT of stress and if you could find a solution in which you get to go to classes AND attend the wedding it seems as though everyone would get their way.

This isn’t saying I agree with FH’s parents at all! I don’t get why they think it is so important you be at the other son’s wedding, but if they are going to call your school and go through that trouble it must be important to them for some unexplainable reason.

Post # 24
Member
627 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You need to meet with your academic advisor ASAP and find out exactly how people who are not you, your doctors or someone given permission to speak on your behalf was able to discuss you GRADES and ATTENDANCE with professors. Unless they know the names of your profs they had to get information from somewhere and that needs to be dealt with. 

These people need to be cut off, now. 

Post # 25
Member
3241 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@SimplyChic11: First, as a college instructor, I can believe they tried to talk to your instructors (some people have no boundaries). You should be aware that all college students are covered under FERPA and your instructors should not give out any personal information (grades, attendance, etc). Now, asking the instructor about their general attendance policies would not violate FERPA. Honestly, if someone contacted me about a student, I would send them a polite response saying I can’t comment. You might want to visit your instructors during their office hours and ask them what info they did tell your Future In-Laws.

From the situation you describe, I wouldn’t attend the wedding if I were in your shoes.

Post # 26
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

Bah! flipping wedding bee ate my post! Yell I think I gave some good advice, so I’ll type it all out again.

 

I think you need to talk to your supervisors. Go to them in a clear and calm frame of mind, and apologise for the actions of your Future Mother-In-Law, so they know that the drama was one sided, and don’t assume things about your character. Also ask what they told them, so you know if your Future Mother-In-Law was lying, or if you need to remind you supervisors about the rules regarding talking about students to outsiders.

I think you could work out a compromise if you wanted to. Tell you Future Mother-In-Law that you didn’t realise your attendance at the wedding was so important to her, and that you can’t attended the wedding with your own resources, but if they wanted to pay for you to fly out Friday after your last class, and return sunday morning, you’d be able to come. That assumes that none of your classes are on Saturday. If you’ve got any group projects, you could do your portion ahead of time, so things are still rolling for the group while you’re away.

You shouldn’t confuse being the bigger person with being walked all over. In places where you disagree, you need to talk calmly and reasonably and not blame them for asking, but also not give in to what they’re demanding when it hurts you to do so.

If it were me, and my Future Mother-In-Law called to berate me for half an hour, I would say “you can’t speak to me in that way. Please call me again when you can discuss this calmly” and then hang up. Repeat as neccessary until she gets the message. You don’t owe it to her to listen to whatever she want to say to you. Especially when it’s clearly causing you both so much pain.

Post # 27
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

My mouth completely dropped open when I read that your FI’s parents actually called the faculty at your school. That is extremely disrespectful and embarrassing, and as a fellow university student I am feeling for you. If my SO’s parents (or anyone else for that matter) ever did anything like that, I would be absolutely mortified and furious. That is a huge line to cross regarding privacy and appropriateness.

College is first priority for me as well, and many people don’t realize how difficult it is to miss even one class. It really sets you back and can affect your grade greatly. I’m sorry that they are treating you like this 🙁 I’d stay far away, and definitely don’t go to that wedding.

Post # 28
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I am also in college and I know the effect of missing a day of class. First of all I think you are awesome for going through all of this and doing what you need to do for yourself. His parents may try to be controlling but this is because they do not have any control at all, and they know it. Parents who try to guilt trip and invade your personal life do not need to be a part of your life. I think you should cut off all communication with the parents. This may be hard to do, but if you and your fiance ever want to move to a happier life then it needs to be done. They cannot be reasoned with, you have already tried. I would stay in touch with the part of the family that cares and respects you as a person. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, and these people are clearly past their prime. They will continue this ridiculous behavior for years to come putting stress on your physical and mental health as well as your marriage.

Stay on the higher road and avoid them like the plague.

The topic ‘I haven’t slept in days due to this (probably more emotional but I had to post)’ is closed to new replies.

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