Post # 29
Member
5789 posts
Bee Keeper
My daughter’s FIL’s went on the attack with her while they were all in the car driving home from the airport. The cowards chose to confront them about their wedding and moving in their house together beforehand, not while they were all seated in the house like adults, but trapped in the car on a busy highway. They were shaken to the core.
We found out early the next morning, and tried to call them immediately. They wouldn’t answer the phone, so we finally left them a message about how disappointed we were in them and how DARE they!!
They showed up for the wedding, but after the ceremony, and with no prior warning,walked out the back gate and straight to their car and drove off. There has been no contact since.
If your Mom would like to get involved and have her say, let her. It just might solve all your problems with them.
Post # 30
Member
2259 posts
Buzzing bee
You guys are right… they cannot be reasoned with. 🙁 I slept better but woke up earlier than I’d hoped thinking about how horrified I was and how I would be so much more if they tried contacting further profs. I honestly don’t know how they got so far, from the head of dept to the professors for my one class. I think the problem starts at the head of department.
If they chose to call again, they would either go through this person who so mistakingly gave away my info… or my academic advisor, whom I love and cannot imagine being so confused over some stupid family drama.
FH and I did make the decision for me not to go over the way they’ve been acting. If they merely offered to sort it out with my professors and asked if I wanted them to, that would have been different. Not calling FH up and saying I’m lying because so-and-so and all these people said I could come (probably after they were berated on the phone just like I was)
They have NO legal standing to do this and I am most certainly mortified!
I want to cut them out altogether, at least his parents. My FH is more inclined to keep in touch with them but only at a superficial level. They are his family, as much as they are ridiculous, he will always care for them in some way.
I’m glad the ‘bee response is overwhelmingly ‘do not go’ since every few hours I rethink the decision but then realize the crap will not end for us.
Post # 31
Member
2259 posts
Buzzing bee
@StarryNight2011: I checked out FERPA at my school. Would I have had to sign something previously? Or would I be automatically affected by this privacy act?
I’m trying to figure out just how they were able to get all this info.
Post # 32
Member
2312 posts
Buzzing bee
@SimplyChic11:
No, FERPA covers all students, no matter what. It’s a federal regulation, you do not opt into it. They probably contacted the teachers (somehow) and asked about their attendance policy, though who knows how they worded their question. “If it was a LIFE OR DEATH MATTER, could she miss class?” probably, or something equally dramatic. Surely if they said “to come to a wedding” there’s no way the professors would have indicated that that would be a reasonable excuse to miss class. OR they probably said something to the extent of, “All students are free to choose not to come to class, we can’t force them,” which is of course true, except for it means you fail, and your Future In-Laws took that to mean you could come if you really wanted to. They sound insane. But basically, if they just asked about general attendance policies, that doesn’t violate FERPA; FERPA protects the students’ personal information and grades and academic record.
Post # 33
Member
3519 posts
Sugar bee
This may not be a popular response, but I’m going to ask a simple question.
If it was okay with your school, would you WANT to go?
I work at a medical school, and as an academic advisor, can grant all sorts of special leave. Keep in mind, the student has to have ALL of their work done prior, has to take extra call nights or switch with other students to make sure the floors are covered, but it is entirely possible. These are medical students, working towards their MD degrees… it doesn’t get much more strict than that.
The reason I’m asking is because right now, this is what has your Future In-Laws fired up. Next year, it might be something else. They sound like they’re always going to try to find fault with you unless you start trying to find your place in the family. Unfortunately, sometimes that means doing things you don’t really want to do in order to fit in. Is it worth digging your heels in for one weekend when you’ve got a lifetime with these people? Just a thought.
Post # 34
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
@ohheavenlyday: I totally agree. I think the Future Father-In-Law & Future Mother-In-Law did something shady like re-wording the question, lying about the occasion, etc. I would talk to my professors to find out the truth. There is NO WAY the professor were suddenly, “Oh, it’s a wedding? Then she can go!”
@SimplyChic11: I get that Fiance wants to keep superficial contact. But as a child of a toxic parent, the drama will not end. The best thing is to cut off all contact with an explanation of why, and only allow contact if the parents enter counseling with you two. Also, keep all texts, e-mail, harassing voicemails etc. from them, in case it gets to a serious, crazy level. It’s gotten so bad within my own family that we save all of this information, as well as make copies of all letters sent and received from my toxic mother. The woman isn’t even allowed to know the date/time of our wedding, just in case.
Post # 35
Member
5089 posts
Bee Keeper
Ugh, I’m so sorry. Hopefully your faculty will understand that this was none of your doing. I would send them an email apologizing for your Future In-Laws behavior, explaining that you they are being completely unreasonable, and emphasizing how committed you are to your classes.
They sound insane. It’s bad enough when PARENTS try to contact their children’s college teachers, but I’ve never heard of anyone else trying to do so!! God. That is so far beyond the bounds of appropriate behavior. And they will never, ever understand that they did anything wrong.
Post # 36
Member
40 posts
Newbee
@MrsLongcoatPeacoat: But even if she wanted to go – the stunt her Future In-Laws pulled has destroyed any chance of that. In fact, OP already asked originally and was told by the school this was not possible and she discussed it early on. To suddenly decide a few weeks before the wedding that the original answer is not acceptable isn’t fair to OP. If the school had told her all the steps she had to take to make the wedding, perhaps those steps would have just made her life at school harder, affected her grades, and created more stress.
OP- the only suggestion I can offer is that your fiance can go alone – if he wants. There is no need for you to go- if you go you give a message this sort of behavior is ok. Fiance knows his family and maybe having to face them without you may let him discuss frankly with them just how much they are hurting you both and slowly destroying any chance of a relationship in the future.
Post # 37
Member
3240 posts
Sugar bee
@SimplyChic11: What ohheavenlyday wrote is correct. Every student is automatically covered. That’s why you had to sign a form for your parents to have access/see your grades. Future In-Laws shouldn’t have been able to find out whose classes you were in, but even instructors are human and sometimes mistakes happen. That’s why I think you should talk to your profs and find out what was said on both sides. Like others have said your Future In-Laws may have worded the question so that they got the answer they wanted. It is true, profs can’t make anyone attend or participate in class, but all actions have consequences. You’ve already checked and you aren’t comfortable missing classes. Your FH can attend the family wedding, which may (or may not) help smooth things over and again that’s a decision he has to make. 🙂 Hang in there!
Post # 38
Member
2259 posts
Buzzing bee
Thanks, all. I inted to write a letter to my profs today or at least all the people they have contacted above me. It is a comfort to know that I am under the privacy act because I DO remember signing something for my parents alone freshman year.
And I totally agree, who knows what my future family told these people to get the answers they want! It all sounds so shady to me…. I will keep everyone updated and you better believe we have kept and saved all crazy communication from them.
-MisssPumpkinB.
Post # 39
Member
2259 posts
Buzzing bee
Here’s what I intend to send:
Hello,
I am contacting all of you and my academic advisor, __________, to apologize for something that happened this past week. I have limited communication with my fiance’s family because of incidents in the past where they have overstepped boundaries and tried to get involved in my personal life in ways that have made me uncomfortable. That being said, I was honestly shocked and humiliated to find out they had contacted ________ and managed to be informed of personal information regarding department policy, my classes and my academic work. I do apologize them doing this behind my back when my fiance specifically discouraged them not to.
My future husband and I had already made plans regarding this family wedding, my absence was also known months in advance. He does not want me to miss school for this so we decided it would be best for me, and the crew I am in charge of, if I did not attend as I would most likely miss classes and out of class work that would be hard for me to make up considering I am a senior.
In looking into this more, I realize I am protected under FERPA, the privacy act that covers all college students against releasing personal information regarding classes, etc. I remember having signed away rights to my parents alone, making it possible for only my mom or dad to access my grades and academic information. My fiance’s family went entirely behind my back regarding this and I do feel as though my privacy is violated. They did not discuss this with me beforehand and I already made the decision to not skip class because my academics mean a lot to me and my fiance.
I am sending this email to explain to you all what happened and that I am terribly sorry for any confusion it may have caused to have them going to each one of you without my permission and without my knowledge. I would like to ensure that in the future, these people will NOT be able to access information regarding my academic life at all, grades, finances or class information they are not privy to.
Thank you for reading this and I hope we can all avoid like situations in the future with these people.
Sincerely,
____________
Post # 40
Member
3240 posts
Sugar bee
@SimplyChic11: Calmly explain the situation to your profs. Trust me, we hear all kinds of things and know family can sometimes be overbearing (to say the least). Good luck! 🙂
Post # 41
Member
2312 posts
Buzzing bee
I would definitely call someone at your university- perhaps a dean, or General Counsel if they retain one, and let them know that you feel your FERPA rights were violated and explain the situation. It’s possible that your in laws are just legit crazy and impersonated your parents or made the situation sound dire enough that someone just gave them the professor’s names, but it’s still a valid concern that you should voice to your school.
Post # 42
Member
682 posts
Busy bee
First, this is like, bat-shit crazy. How incredibly intrusive and violating to call your academic institution over a mother-effin wedding.
At this point, even if it WAS ok with school I would *NOT* go because this sets up an incredibly bad pattern of “we bully you, you break” and if you are marrying into the family NOW is the time to set some boundaries.
I am sorry that you are dealing with some terribly short sighted and cruel people. I am doubly sorry that they are soon going to be related to you. Keep your head in the books and know that you are taking steps to secure your future and no one should fault you for that.
Post # 43
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
Omg how incredibly Rude and intrusive are they!! Who do they think they are to talk to you or treat you that way?!
I wouldn’t go to the wedding. They’re jeopardizing there future relationship with you both of you, do they even realize that?! Your Fiance has to be behind you 110% on this, that this kind of behaviour is not going to be tolorated. He needs to tell them that it is not ok to treat you like this. Personally if it were me I’d want an apology or they’d be uninvited to my wedding, and future events until I got one. But that’s just me, you seem to have a soft nature but sometimes being firm with these kinds of people is the only way.
Good luck to you.. xx
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