(Closed) I hit my OH

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
8773 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

I think we need more information but like the PP’s have said, leave, give him space, address your drinking and hopefully you can move on either together or down your own paths.

Post # 18
Member
13943 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wow.. I think you really need to start an alcohol treatment program.  Violence is never okay, and drinking isn’t an excuse.  I would give your husband lots of space, let him know that you’re sorry, and want to talk when he’s ready.  In the meantime, maybe you could take an anger management class and get rid of all the alcohol in the house to show him that you’re taking this seriously.

Post # 19
Member
1853 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Yikes. I’m torn on how to respond to this. I’m curious what the circumstances were. I can be a reallllly volatile drunk, but I’ve never hit someone. Even when I’m at my angriest, I’ve never been violent. Are you normally aggressive? Is he? Did you hit him out of self defense, because he has been physically abusive in the past? Do you drink regularly? If you know that you’re a violent drunk, why continue drinking? (Just some things that would give us some more insight to the situation. It’s difficult to provide advice about this, with such little information.)

Plain and simple, abuse is abuse. But I do think that a grey area exists. Fiance came home black-out drunk after being at a friend’s bachelor party. He was throwing up before bed, and passed out on his back. I came into the room when he was passed out, and tried to make him change positions (without waking him), so he was on his side. Fiance was so drunk that he punched me in the face with his eyes closed. Not a full on punch, but more of a bear slap.

I was livid and I questioned our relationship. It was a huge deal at the time, and I ripped into him for it the next day. The only reason I forgave him is because it was the first time I had ever seen him so drunk, and he genuinely had no recollection of it. He fucked up majorly, but I forgave him because he isn’t a violent person and he rarely drinks. 

If he did it again, I would not forgive him. But it was a huge mistake that he made, and he had to live with the consequences for a long time afterwards. 

Overall, I really think this comes down to the circumstances leading up to it.

Post # 20
Member
3484 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

View original reply
@thefuturemrsnguyen:  Not trying to be mean but doesn’t domestic violence advocate mean your in support of it?

I think the other advice is sound – get some space, get some help with drinking and see if you can save your relationship.

It might be that you need to really show you have changed and wont do it again before your OH trusts you again.

Post # 21
Member
1812 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

1.  Speak to your OH, explain you are giving him space and you want to sort yourself out.

2. Do that – Sort Yourself Out. Seek counselling groups for violent wives/girlfriends, and stick to the program.

3. Let your OH seek you out, and IF he wants to continue the relationship, make sure you get therapy for both of you to deal with the issue.

I am surprised that some PPs are asking what the OH did to make the OP hit him.  Would you ask the question to a man who beat his wife?

 

Post # 22
Member
1853 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

View original reply
@cariad:  I would ask, yeah. I think violence is unacceptable. But I know some straight up violent women when they’re drunk. So someone’s Fiance holding them down if they’re black out drunk and trying to hit them, is different than if their Fiance used force unnecessarily. Plus OP’s post was soo vague, which is why I asked if it was in self defense. If she had posted that she punched him in an argument because she lost her temper, I wouldn’t have asked those questions.

But overall I maintain that violence is unacceptable regardless of gender. I’m just trying to understand what provoked OP to act in such a way, drunk or not.

Post # 23
Member
5148 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

View original reply
@cariad:  I wonder that too. She did not come on here & say “he hit me and in self defence I hit back” so there is no reason to even make as assumption of self defence. Unfortunately many still see domestic abuse by women against men as “less serious”. No wonder so many men are ashamed to speak out when they are abused, especially when they do not see much support for it. I sometimes wonder how many men out there have been and are abused but are uncounted in stats. Men too can be victims of verbal, physical, emotional etc abuse. And it is still damaging and still can result in injury and death. 

I know a couple men in my circle of family/friends who were physically/verbally/emotionally abused and even they had a hard time coming to terms with it because of attitudes that they are stronger than women so they can’t really be hurt or automatic assumptions that they “must have done something to instigate it”. 

There is never, ever an excuse for abuse and it does not matter what the abusers gender is, or the abused victims gender.

I do hope OP is getting help no matter what is happening with the relationship right now.

Post # 24
Member
963 posts
Busy bee

OH -other half?

Post # 25
Member
986 posts
Busy bee

OP, any updates? I hope that you’ve made some progress in this situation. 🙁 

Post # 26
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@Twizbe:  lol no…I work as an advocate…as in advocating for DV victims at a DV agency. 

Post # 27
Member
11735 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It’s all very interesting when the woman is the one hitting the man. People want to know more about why. If it was a man hitting a woman, the reason wouldn’t matter.

OP – you need to leave and give him space to decide what he wants to do with the relationship. You also need to committ to stopping drinking and getting yourself some professional help/anger management, both of which should happen regardless if he decides to stay with you or not.

The topic ‘I hit my OH’ is closed to new replies.

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