- 7 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
My bf upset me so much, so I wrote her laterrer expressing my feelings. Only because I feel too friends owe that to each other. Well, she hasn’t written me back or answered my calls. I read my letter, and it didn’t seem too bad…but maybe it was??? I just wish she would answer me so she could tell me what bothered her so much. I was only being honest because I thought our friendship could take it, apparently not. I am so sad now that I don’t know what to do. I will post the letter here, and maybe I could get some objective feelings about why she won’t even call me back. We do have an honest and upfront relationship, so I can’t fathom why she won’t even return my call. Especially because so many of her friends have ignored her and refused to call her back… All she would say is, “I wish they would at least tell me what I did that was so bad,” I really thought she would appreciate my candor. I mean, why would she ignore me when she knows exactly how it feels? She is a great friend though, and maybe I haven’t been…I am very confused. Anyway, the letter is soooooo long, but I would love feedback on it. Here it goes:
First of all, I want to apologize for not returning your call. I didn’t because I am not happy with you and I couldn’t bear to pretend like I was. Anyway, I am still upset with you, but I think enough of friendship to open the lines of communication. I should not say that I am upset with you, that is not accurate. I am disheartened and disillusioned. I thought our friendship was way better than it was. Clearly I thought more of it than you did. I am not being dramatic, but when I think of your treatment of me, I wonder how I ever thought we were as close as we were? I know we did talk about this, but because I had many other things going on, I didn’t have the energy to really devote to it. When you disappeared after our “argument”, I was beyond hurt. Mainly because I have been much more upset with you than I was that day. When? How about any of the countless times you have been controlling? That upsets me far more than whatever took place on the phone that day. I wasn’t upset with you, I just began to realize that you were causing more aggravation than I wanted to deal with, and I felt that for my peace of mind, it was best that you didn’t help. That was it. I had moved on. But in a typical Jill fashion, you made it all about you. Oh, she’s mad at me so I won’t call. Really? The way I was feeling had nothing to do with you. You were slightly irritating, yes, but in the big picture, nothing that lasted after our conversation. But instead of putting aside your self centeredness, you figured my anger was all about you, and it was best to stay away. I have been your shoulder countless times, and when I needed you to do the same, nothing. And then, the final slap in the face, was you calling the day of my party asking if your ride would be waiting for you. Do you realize how selfish that was? I heard nothing from you for close to two weeks, and you call me asking about a ride??? Would you have done anyone else like that? I don’t think so, but I have always gone out of my way in that aspect so of course you would come at me like that. I don’t think you understand how bad and taken advantage of you made me feel. I know you said you called once, and maybe you did. However, whenever you want to reach me, whenever it is beneficial to you, you always get a hold of me. My point is, if you really wanted to reach me, you would have. Period.
You said that you figured I had finally given up on you, like everyone else has. Again, you don’t know how hurtful you were being. After all we have been through, you thought that would make me wash my hands of you? Again, I wasn’t even mad. But, I know you said you never “heard me like that before.” That could be true, but instead of internalizing it as something that was directed at you, how about thinking outside of yourself and thinking that the anger you saw might mean that I need a friend more than ever? Our friendship is/was important to me, and you reduced our friendship into something that can be dissolved because I was mad at you. Which again, I wasn’t. How long have you known me? When have I been unhappy with someone, and not communicate it in some form to that person?(except my mom) I don’t get mad at strangers about BS, but refuse to communicate my anger to loved ones. You know that about me. Why is it the only way I can be angry is if I yell? I am a much more of a controlled person, and you know that. If I am angry at someone, I will communicate that clearly. But honestly, even if I was mad, why run away from me, and not toward? I thought we had a genuine freindship, but it seems as if it is superficial. What else can it be if we retreat at the sign of conflict? And to add insult to injury, when I mentioned some of these things to you, as usual you didn’t take blame. You never do. Did you know that? No matter what happens, you always have an external reason for what you did. You have never been wrong because you are wrong. I have yet to hear about something that was solely your fault. It’s never “I’m sorry.” Instead you said… “I’m sorry, but if you heard how you sounded…” Even though you admitted that you didn’t think your helping me would be feasible? Don’t you think I know you by now? I could tell you didn’t think it was a good idea, which is why I “sounded” extremely aggravated that you wouldn’t just accept my “it’s ok, you don’t have to help.” No, as usual you pushed and pushed, although everything in your reasoning was saying “this will not work.” Maybe this could have all been forgotten, but then you came to my party, stayed a short while, and then shot out of there on the first thing smoking. I know you had to get up early, but you already got there late, so I thought you might have stayed longer. Not to mention you acted fairly anti-social, and once again, I didn’t really hear from you after you left. I’m not saying you should be up my ass, but after we had talked about your disappearance, you would think you would have called me to talk sooner than you did.
I understand you have issues with people treating you badly. I have wondered why people abuse you so, but have I ever done that? Doesn’t my past treatment of you dictate the present? future? You must think not. The truth is, I am starting to believe that you don’t value my friendship. Why? Well, one is because you dismissed my loyalty so easily. Two is that I have heard you say so many times: no one does anything for you, you don’t come first to anyone, no one buys you a birthday gift, no one considered your feelings, etc… Every time you say this, I think “I do.” I have told you this of course, but I say this now to illustrate how you have unintentionally devalued my friendship. I say unintentionally because I know you are never malicious, but when you say “no one”, it negates me. I understand that you have already told me that you never mean me, however if there is at least one person that does these things, why say it at all? Even if other people have many people like this in their lives, there are people that have literally no one. In my opinion, if you have one really good friend, that is more than many people have. It reminds me of my aunt Angela. She says, “I don’t have no help. I can’t get shit from no one.” You and I have talked about her, but don’t you see that you do the same thing? Ok, Angela’s “no one’s” consists of more people than your “no one’s”, but still…at the heart of it, it is the same premise. The people, or person that is doing, is not enough. If you had two people who bought you a gift, would you still say “no one?” How many people do you need to buy you a gift before you don’t say “no one?” I think one should be enough to disqualify that statement. I will say it again, if you are lucky enough to have one loyal friend, in my opinion you are blessed indeed. I have told this to Angela many times. If she is lucky enough to have one person to spend the night at the hospital, she is blessed. You have agreed with this. Well, how come it doesn’t apply to you? You are my only dependable friend. You are the only person who I know that will risk hell to keep their word. That means so much to me. You are the only friend I can say this about. I don’t complain that “no one ever does what they promise.” I say “I am glad I have Hill because she always keeps her word, thank goodness for her” I have one truly dependable friend, this means so much to me because many people don’t have one person they can say this about. I would love more, but one is enough. I feel lucky to have you, or at least I did.
Maybe I took what you did too much to heart. I can admit that. It was awful timing though. You reduced our friendship to something that could be easily dismissed days after I asked you to be my Maid/Matron of Honor. That is what really hurt. Do you know how many hours I spent doing that puzzle? I looked on the internet for hours for a picture of a black bride and Bridesmaid or Best Man. Not as easy as it sounds. Plenty of white folks, but black? I finally ended up looking through people’s personal pictures that I found on a wedding blog, then I did that for hours. Then I looked through your pictures on FB for hours, trying to match up a picture that could go on the face of the picture I picked out. The trial and error was insane. I didn’t have photoshop, so I used a sub-par program that was not easy to use. I will not tell you how many times I cut out an outline of your face, and attempted to put it on another body. I know it still wasn’t perfect, but it took many man hours to complete. Then when the puzzle arrived, I put the puzzle together in order to find the piece that was your face, and removed that piece. The plan was to send that final piece, along with a homemade card that I made you that spoke of how special and wonderful I think you are, and why I wanted you to be my Maid/Matron of Honor. I kept that last piece was because I wanted you to understand that the final missing “piece” of my wedding was “you”. I wanted to do something special for you because you are so very special to me. Obviously, I never sent it because I started to think that maybe our friendship didn’t mean as much as I thought, and I couldn’t possible send you a card with words that I was no longer sure about. I only said all of this to say that someone does think about you Huguette, the same person that you believed would toss you aside because of something small and insignificant. My engagement isn’t insignificant of course, but you not being able to help me was. Especially because it was my fault that you couldn’t be there, and I know that if you could have you would have. It was that simple. Unfortunately because you are so acclimated to being cast aside, you expect it. As a result, you push people away before they can do it to you. Case in point, my aunt and cousin. You will go to your grave swearing that they don’t “like you”, but do you know my aunt told me that she missed you? “Where is my Jill?” she asked before the engagement party. She hasn’t been seeing you, and when she did, my guess is that you distanced yourself because you figured she didn’t like you. Do you see what you do? Anytime someone gives you a different “feeling”, you pull away because you feel the inevitable “diss” coming, and as a result, they start to treat you differently, because you aren’t acting like yourself. Maybe Trice was acting funny, but my issue with you is, you oftentimes internalize those issues when they may have nothing to do with you. It’s kind of self centered to always believe everyone is against “you”. Not to mention that Nina said how gorgeous you looked with your beautiful smile and flawless skin on your FB pics, and that by picking you and Moni to be my MOH’s, I was making a great choice,(and Trice agreed). I’m not saying that means she likes you, what I am saying is, why do you immediately go to that? Maybe Nina was acting funny at the wedding, but did you consider it may have been because she was embarrased at the buffoon she was dating? Or because she was late as hell? Maybe she was on her period…my point is, it could have been countless reasons but you figured it must have been you. As a result, whether you know it or not, you began acting differently towards her, and she responded in kind. She is already weird and socially inept, who knows what she is thinking? My point is, not everyone is looking for a way to dislike you. My family especially. Trice was acting like you were bossy, and she made comments, but she does the same thing to me and especially Tan. That’s how my family is with each other, and they did you the same way because they were starting to feel like you were family. They loved you and initiated you into the family because you were being your genuine and delightful self.
Anyway, I have rambled on long enough. I still love you Huguette, and we are still friends. I just wanted to write because I had a lot to say, and I wanted to express it as clearly as I could without the back and forth that would inevitably happen. I am not even upset anymore, so don’t think I have been avoiding you because I have chosen to cast you aside like other people in your life have done. I truly hope you didn’t think that but knowing you, you did. I actually would have written or even called sooner but I have two big things to deal with. Moving in with Patrick and Teaching. Both of these have been beyond stressful for me, and I am tied up in knots…Anyway, you can write me back and feel free to get to the nitty gritty about my behavior, because I know that I am no angel. Maybe I am being unfair or too emotional about the wedding already. (Bridezilla, anyone?) This might have not bothered me so much if it wasn’t during a time that I needed your friendship and understanding the most, and I didn’t get it. I know that everything can’t be your fault, but I do know that you hurt my feelings, and I couldn’t pretend otherwise.
Please help me! Was I just a major bitch? What can I do just so that she will talk to me, even if it’s to tell me that I’ve hurt her beyond repair? I just want her to tell me something…we have been friends for 15 years…, and I never thought it would come to this…