(Closed) I just accidentally found out my DH wants a 3-4some and I don't :(

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
4042 posts
Honey bee

@poppygirl16:  We all have fantasies, but it doesn’t actually mean that we need them to come true in order to live a fulfilled life. I don’t think you should really worry about this. 1) your FI hasn’t actually discussed this with you and 2) if you are not comfortable doing it, then you shouldn’t. And you shouldn’t feel bad or guilty about not doing it.

Post # 5
3672 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@poppygirl16:  The worst thing you could do is guilt yourself INTO a threesome! That is a road you do not want to take…I think it is just a fantasy because he has yet to attempt discussing it with you. Don’t open pandoras box with this one and just try to let this go…I talk with my best friend about my fantasies and although I think I want a rough sex threesome it is something I KNOW I would regret and hate immediantely. 

If you DO reconsider and want to attempt this with you SO then I would start with swingers clubs 🙂 

Post # 6
4042 posts
Honey bee

@poppygirl16:  He obviously chose to marry you because he wanted to. If he wanted to have group sex or fulfill those needs, then he would have chosen that life. Just because somebody would consider doing something, doesn’t mean that they need to do something. I think you are honestly investing way too much into this emotionally. 

If you are truly concerned about this, then talk to your husband about it. Then you can better understand where he is coming from and you can explain how you feel about it.

Post # 8
45551 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

He was talking to a buddy. He might also want a Maserati, but he’s not going to get that either.

Just because you are not into one of his sexual fantasies does not mean that you are not the woman for him. He is entitled to have all the fantasies he wants, so are you. They should never be used to guilt our partners into participating in something they are not comfortable with.

Post # 10
3672 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@poppygirl16:  If my DH over heard me and my friends then he would think I was way into it as well! You read a chat that wasn’t meant for you so unfortunately you saw something uncomfortable. I ask my husband non chalantly all the time about our sex life and how he is feeling! I see no problem in asking for reassurance that he is satisfied 🙂

I wouldn’t straight out ask him about a threesonme though! Just say, “Hey babe? Are you sexually content? Is there more I could do to increase your happiness?’ 

Sex talks are great and needed in relationships to make sure that everyone is getting their fair share 🙂 


Post # 12
8704 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@julies1949:  totally agree with this

Post # 14
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Would he have a 3-some with another guy?  If not that is a total double standard that you could point out if you decide to discuss this with him. You can parallel how he would feel having another man in bed with you with how you would feel having another woman in bed with him. This may not curb his desire, but it could give him some empathy towards your feelings. 

If he’s willing to do it with a dude, I’ve got nothing. 

Post # 16
7274 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@poppygirl16:  Honey, if he REALLY wanted 3 or 4somes, there are plenty of women out there who he could be with. He obviously married YOU for various reasons and those reasons outweigh a fantasy. 

Like others have said, we all want things we can’t have and continue are current life. I would love to live on a cruiseship for a year but then I’d never be able to see my family and I’d have to be seperated from my FI since one of us would have to keep making money! So yeah…. living with the man I love and seeing my nephew grow up means WAY more to me than an awesome cruise to lots of places. 

Don’t worry about it. MOST men fantasize about having multiple partners at once and a very small percentage actually follow through. You are thinking way too much about this. (And I know you did it on accident, but stuff like this is exactly why people SHOULDN’T snoop. It just makes you crazy about nothing at all.)

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