- 4 years ago
I really just need to share what is going on in my life and would love to hear if anyone had a similar experience.
I have been with my SO for 2.5 years and knew each other for a bit longer. When we met I though he was the sweetest man. He did a huge sacrifice for us to be together by not taking a good job offer overseas just when we got started cause he wanted me so bad. I had huge commitment issues. There were some red flags thou right away. He seemed to love children, I was straight forward about not wanting any. But he stated as long as he could be with me that would be all he needs. And then jealousy issues. I am agnostic and he is religious and I am queer. We have overcome a lot of differences I learned for the first time to emphatise for religious believes, he overcame his homophobia.
A year ago we tried the counselling so it was already bad, but it did get worse as he started smoking even thou just like 1-2 a day, and not drinking too much but like 1 beer or 2 every other day so too frequent for my taste. I did try to break up before but always felt guilty when he seemed so miserable without me and I knew how much he loves me and how nice and cute he can be, always promising me to be able to accept any conditions. Only to fall back into same patterns. Now it kinda just clicked in my head. He would never be happy for my happyness as long as he was not the source of my happyness. Not only jealousy towards people but even hobbies, even jealousy about the dog we got together but I bonded with him while the dog kinda had a problem with my SO. 2 weeks ago I went skiing with a friend and to my surprise he wished me lots of fun. But all of a sudden when I mentioned that I found some old gear and maybe going again that weekend, he did make this snarky remark about “huh now I guess you are going to go every weekend” and hung up the phone. I sent a message why he always would have to be like this to which there was no reply. I didn’t hear from him all weekend to which I wasn’t even sure first if he is just not making the time to call or wether he was playing games again to ignore me. I had a serious conversation with my best friend. Usually I would keep most relationship issues to myself and my SO but I knew now I need feedback of a friend I trust. He did give me some faight on how to tackle the situation and how to approach things best. To suggest to delay the wedding and first live together in a household (not on tour) and slow down just take one step at a time and maybe we would get on the same page as he knows I am not one to give up easily. But on monday morning I sent my SO a text asking him to call me when he has time. He told me he has no good connection cause they travel and only arrive in the evening. I said ok then later. He insisted that if it was important I could just text. But I said no that doesn’t work and that he has to make time for us as already a week before I did address that it’s been over a month since his new job started and no one is THAT BUSY to not be able to call for more than 1-2 minutes and then be SO TIRED to stay on the phone for a bit. So he asked what it is about. I told him about one month worth of conversations that won’t fit into a text and the last year and where we stand now. So again a snarky reply “Oh so skiing finish? Finish with your BOYFRIENDS?”
That’s when it just clicked and I said I am so done. That I was about to seek a conversation on how to salvage our relationship, but his attitude would make it easy for me to now simply be done. Yesterday I told him to pick up his things and organise himself where to store it and that it’s no discussion. He told me a date and when I confirmed he was just like “ok, cool”
Now I really just feel weird. I feel relief I guess which somehow surprised me as before when I tried to leave I was miserable always feeling that there must be more that can be done, and after all I was the one who proposed. I wonder if he is miserable and just tries to play it cool or if he just convinced himself that I am a cheater just like his exes and am now dead to him (like his exes). Between curiousness, offended, just a tiny tiny bit of guilt if he is miserable and a lot of I don’t even care cause I am so pissed. It’s just very awkward as the only way of break ups I know so far is when you want to cry and pitty yourself for weeks, months heck even mourn years. As if I would prefer to just feel like crying since that would at least be a more simple emotion and now being unsure what’s next. Bit scared if he’d still sent me something or I might see something that might switch my mood to being miserable if I just continue to be somehow ok and then be in shock.
Sry for the huge “rant”