I just discovered my fiance cheated about 2 years ago

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
2509 posts
Sugar bee

When is you fiance back? Will it give you enough time to properly process this information? In your shoes, if I thought I’d have enough time to process fully (3+ days), I’d stay and get my ducks in a row. Find a new place to live, open a separate bank account if need be, request mourning time off from work, etc. Then I’d have everything moved out by the time he got home. I’d be home when he got there, to confront. Because I’d want to know what he had to say for himself. Then I’d leave.

Oh, and I would make a copy of the proof of cheating (blurring out any nude bits), and probably send out one of the SFW ones (girl’s face and nudity blurred out) with the date stamp with my notice that the wedding is off to all of HIS invitees. Because I’d be petty af about this. 

Post # 17
Member
9604 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

ceeworldlourdes :  you need to leave him. I agree with duchess, and would go about this swiftly and be petty as hell. He will absolutely cheat on you through out your marriage. And the fact that he records them all and keeps it…. fucking ew. 

Post # 18
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I would pack my shit, leave a note explaining the situation, and leave. 

And i’d leave the computer on the table with the video on a loop so it’s the first thing he sees when he walks in the door. 

You’re better than this and you DESERVE better than this. I promise you, you won’t regret leaving. 

Post # 19
Member
2199 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

ceeworldlourdes :  Uh yeah. A year in is deal breaker for sure. That’s not ambiguous, that’s a clear violation of the terms of your relationship and your trust. 

I would also be looking for an exit strategy. If you have the means, I’d hire movers and a storage unit and get everything out before he gets home. Stay in a hotel til you have time to find your own place. 

Someone who would sleep with someone else under the circumstances you describe will do it again. This wasn’t a misunderstanding, this was a willful act of adultery. 

Incidentlly, sleeping with someone else is putting YOUR HEALTH in direct risk. He cannot know what she’s been up to and was willing to take a chance anyway. That shows such a tremendous disregard for your well-being. 

No one who matters will think less of you for calling off the wedding. I suspect a lot of people who care about you might think less of you for marrying him anyway.

He’s not a good partner. He doesn’t deserve your trust.

I’m so sorry this happened. Truly.

Post # 20
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Wow. I am so sorry. Stand up for yourself, bee. You deserve better. 

Post # 22
Member
1300 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

ceeworldlourdes :  glad to hear you’re pulling the plug bee. Good luck and stay strong!

Post # 24
Member
2610 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club

ceeworldlourdes :  What a difficult situation. I’m sorry this has happened, bee!

When you confront him, make someone else aware that you will confronting him, so that in case he gets violent (even if he has no history of violence-calling off a wedding is very emotional) or uncomfortable, you have someone to follow up and make sure you are OK. 

Be prepared to have him turn the tables and say you invaded his privacy. It’s a way to make you look like the bad guy. My ex pulled that card on me when he used my ezpass on Christmas after telling me he was working two days straight while he went 3 states away. It was MY ezpass and I thought it was stolen… anywho, just be prepared for that type of reaction.

I’m glad that you are making a mature decision to remove yourself from this situation. All the best to you bee! Please uodate us so we know you are safe! *hugs*

Post # 25
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

First, I am so sorry that you are going through this right before your big day. That is awful, even if it was 2 years ago. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling.

His cheating sounds very calculated. Filming it and then keeping the videos? Lying about the movies and going on “business trips?” It makes me wonder how many of those trips were actually business/work-related.

I would talk to him about it and tell him you found the videos, but not until you retain copies of them just in case he deletes them and tries to deny it. You are smart for keeping the text messages as well. Find out more from him about the situation. It is possible he could still be cheating.

Post # 27
Member
9730 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

BYEEE.

ETA: Let me elaborate here. I’ve been there, done that. Wouldn’t ever ever go through it again, nor would I stay and try to work things out. Things don’t even work out. Once something like this happens the relationship has changed forever. Its like if you got shot in the stomach, you might be able to see a doctor and have the bullet removed and the wound stictched up but for the rest of your life you’ll have to look at this big shiny scar.

Nope, no way. I’d be out.

Post # 28
Member
494 posts
Helper bee

ceeworldlourdes :  I’m sorry, but the fact that he has and has kept sex videos that he has made with multiple women is unacceptable.  He’s just keeping a little stock pile of home-made sex vids for what reason exactly?  The fact that he wanted to add you to the list of all the other women he had made videos with is gross to me. Almost as though he’s acting like you’re no different than any of them.  After finding a stockpile like that AND discovering that at least one of those videos was made while we were already together?  Yeah.  Not a chance. I understand that you are preparing the wedding of your dreams, but does a dream wedding matter if the marriage is unstable?  The wedding is one day, this type of knowledge will haunt you your entire marriage.   You will never be able to fully trust him again, and this will breed major resentment into your marriage.  I am so angry for you!  I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Post # 29
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee

OP make your arrangements before he gets back.  You don’t want to fall victim to whatever bullshit lie or excuse he has.  Go stay with a friend or close family member.

And FYI:

-he didn’t “forget” to delete them 

– it doesn’t matter if you were in a fight 

– there are probably more tIke’s than you know about

– he won’t stop

 

Keeps them & watches them- that’s cereal killer weird.

Sorry I sound super harsh I just know how often women look the other way & you deserve a better life!

Post # 30
Member
2879 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

ceeworldlourdes :  You deserve so much more than that shit bag. I’m pretty impressed with how calm and collected you seem (I would probably be in hysterics). Good luck finding a new place bee! Cancelling a wedding is difficult but you are saving yourself so much heartache in the future. 

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