(Closed) I just don’t know what to say.

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
361 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Have you talked about anything monetary, size or type in regards to the ring.  You’re thinking simple, and he may be thinking more elaborate.  Maybe it’s a matter of not understanding what you’d rather have, which may be something he can afford now. 

Post # 4
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

I would try not to rush him into anything – that can oftentimes lead to resentment and an unhappy marriage.

It will happen when the time is right for both of you. Hang in there!


Post # 5
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I see a couple issues. 1. Make sure he knows that you’re ok with a humble ring.  He may be worried about getting you something really fancy because he’s afraid you won’t like a simpler ring. 2. Make sure you are on the same page about money.  This may be a sign of deeper differences about how the two of you deal with the finances of major purchases, and that’s definitely something you want to work out before marriage. 3. Make sure he isn’t using the ring as an excuse because he isn’t ready for an engagement yet.  It’s ok if he isn’t, you don’t want to go into an engagement if both partners aren’t 100% ready, but if this is the issue then you two need to be able to talk about it openly rather than him using the ring as an excuse because he’s afraid to say what he really feels.

It could be any of those things or something else entirely.  It could be a relationship issue that needs to be addresses or a simple miscommunication, but you need to figure out what’s making him change a plan that the two of you already decided upon.

Post # 6
1981 posts
Buzzing bee

Wow, I think other people are missing the fact that you only agreed to this if you were engaged! He played you in a way about this, and I think that was really crappy of him. If I were you, I’d make it clear that it doesn’t matter what kind of ring he proposes with, but you need the commitment at least–that was the deal.

And I would seriously be considering finding somewhere else to live. Whose name is on the lease?

Post # 7
2054 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I think you need to stick to your guns about moving in ONLY when engaged…there are many posts on the Bee about SO’s that get comfortable living together and doesnt feel it is necessary to be engaged when you are already living together. You can let  him know you want a non-pricey ring…but you need something before you move in together. I think you need to put your foot down on this one. This was an agreement you BOTH made a long time ago…he needs to recognize and respect your wishes.

Post # 8
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Is there any way he’s just trying to fool you and surprise you?  My FH and I had agreed about the no moving in together if not married thing and when he moved in we both knew we would get married but there had been no proposal.  He’s been laid off and money was tight so I was willing to bend the rule a little because of the financial circumstances.  Two weeks after the move in was complete he proposed.  I tried telling him the ring size wasn’t important too but I think a lot of men feel like it reflects badly on them if they can’t give you want they want to.  There are so many pressures!  I really hope your situation gets better.  The LDR must be hard!   I also agree with what greenleafmountain said about the fact that it’s possible he’s using the ring as an excuse because he’s not ready for an engagement yet.  

Post # 10
1154 posts
Bumble bee

That is not fair of him.  He really doesn’t have $100 bucks?  Really?  If he isn’t ready he should have the balls to say so.  That would upset me.  But as far as helpful advice try not to get upset at him (to his face) and discuss it calmly but stand your ground.  If he isn’t ready you might be willing to bend the rules (or not) but he should be honest with you and with himself.  It is not okay to back out like this.

Post # 11
2511 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Um. I would be so totally pissed if I were you. It sounds to me from what you’ve described that he might have had this planned the whole time. Obviously he wants to live together, but only on his terms (ie: without more of a commitment than he’s ready to give). I’m just telling you honestly the way I’m hearing things, and it’s no wonder you’re upset. If he is as secure in his job and you have shown him inexpensive rings, in my book there are no excuses other than he is stalling. If he is using finances as his reasoning, then is that the only reason he wanted to move in together? For his own financial security? I’m getting worked up about this and I don’t even know you guys! Forgive me if I’m getting a little passionate, but I don’t like these sorts of situations. I see it as a form of manipulation and that sucks. Sounds like you need to have a serious talk with him. I wish you the best!

ALSO – I agree with MsTeddy about sticking to your guns. If he’s going back on what he said, you have a right to back out of the deal. Do you have the money to live in the apartment by yourself? If so, I’d seriously consider not letting him sign that lease!

Post # 12
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

okqueenbee, I’m with you on this one. I’d be mad as hell!

What I wonder is this: was he not financially secure yesterday? Last week? Last month?

When did he discover that he wouldn’t be able to afford a ring, and why did he just now get around to telling you? I don’t know if he necessarily has been plotting this move, but it is a bit curious that he would disclose that suddenly, and so close to the move-in date. You said that he makes good money and that your conditions for moving in together were established long ago– giving him ample time to plan and get himself together. Add that to the fact that you don’t even want an expensive ring…it does sound a little sketchy.

I’m sorry that you’re in this bind, girl, and I sincerely hope you two can work this out…but it sounds like a conversation is in order.

Post # 13
1726 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

DITTO to LaborofLove, MsTedd, Arachna, Okqueenbee, and FrustratedBird!!

Is the lease finalized? (have you paid deposits, etc.?) If not, get out of it ASAP! If so, my advice is to work on finding a roommate and let your SO know you plan on doing this (and that he is not welcome to live with you as your boyfriend, as you both already agreed upon!). I am outraged by his deception toward you!

If he wants to get you a nice ring, then he can give you an upgrader in the future, maybe even on your wedding day. You could even buy a plain band now as a proposal ring (which can double as your wedding band), and then buy your e-ring later, if he is really set on something more expensive.

I feel that he is taking advantage of you, and completely violating your trust in him. I truly hope this situation can be fixed, and soon.

Post # 14
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

If you agreed to live together only if engaged, and he’s done nothing about saving for a ring, shopping around or proposing etc  then don’t move in.  

You guys both decided if A then B and he’s skipping A.  I realize it’s difficult to do, but if you remove emotion from this, it’s really as simple as that.  If you can’t count on him to uphold his end of an agreement (especially one that should be something he ultimately wants!!), you’re probably not quite ready for marriage In My Humble Opinion.  FI & I both said we didn’t want to live with a significant other unless we were engaged VERY early on in our relationship, and he planned accordingly when it came to saving for a ring and proposing.  I’m not saying you should treat it as an ultimatum, but I would remind him of your arrangement and tell him that he’s skipping one vital step!


PS – A close friend agreed to move in with her bf only if they got engaged.  She moved in, and he DID NOT propose.  Now, fast forward SEVEN yrs, and he finally did, but realize what you may well be agreeing to if you move in on exclusively his terms.  When she moved in at 28, she never imagined she’s be a 35 yr old bride.

Post # 15
815 posts
Busy bee

I would be upset with him for breaking the move-in rule, alone.  I’m in a LDR right now, and I know how hard it is.  You want to see him, you want to BE with him, but the distance makes it impossible.  Figure out what’s the most important thing to you.  If you aren’t ok with him breaking the move in rule (that you guys agreed upon) then tell him.  Can you hold off on moving in together?  But the most important thing is to sit down and talk about it.  Let him know how you feel and get some insight on what he’s thinking too.

Post # 16
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I would not move in with him, since he can’t be open and honest with you.  If he doesn’t have the money for a ring, he’s known for a while.  He didn’t just find out. If it’s not money, and he’s just not ready, he’s also known that for a while.

He should have told you, but instead he waited until he thought it was too late for you to back out of living together.  Not cool.

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