Post # 17
don’t let him move in. stand your ground. i know it’s hard, but you told him how you felt about moving in together and now he’s trying to change that plan. he should respect your decision, if he doesn’t then stay as a LDR and don’t move in together.
Post # 18
i understand ur frustration!
Post # 19
I agree with blackcherry, and I think that’s how you should approach the conversation with him. You could start by saying, I don’t think we should move in together since we aren’t engaged yet. If he makes the financial argument (I would totally propose to you but i just can’t afford a ring right now!), then you follow up with – fair enough, but he must have realized this a while ago and he let you keep moving forward with the living together plans, knowing you would not be ok with the situation if he was fully honest with you.
I think it’s fairly likely he isn’t ready to propose to you yet (emotionally/maturity wise whatever) and he’s just pulling the financial card because it doesn’t sound so awful (and you might take pity). Particularly in light of how he freaked out earlier after ring shopping, and also in light of how you told him you don’t need a pricy ring.
If there’s any way you can avoid living together now that would be my suggestion, otherwise, he basically gets what he wanted and leaves you high and dry.
Post # 20
So I told my mother about this issue and I don’t know if she has been talking to him or what, but she says that he is feeling pride-hurt over the ring. I got him on the phone and asked him what was going on. I didn’t mention what my mother told me at all. I let him know that this action doesn’t bode well for our relationship, and that if engagement wasn’t on the table, neither was living together.
I started to tell him that if he wasn’t sure he could stay up there and I would figure things out with the apartment, but I didn’t get it out before he interrupted to say that he DOES want to marry me. He just didn’t want to get a cheap ring– his exact words were “I just wanted to get you a ring like we saw on The Knot.” OK. Insert twinge of guilt here. I admit that I showed him rings on The Knot early on when we first started talking marriage and engagement. I never expected him to take those ideas as a definite of what I wanted. I found a lot more rings on The Knot that I liked things about than on sites with lower cost rings. I should have known that he would cling to that one idea because he will always pick the path of lease resistance: in this case, the one with the most “right” options.
I said that I am more concerned with the engagement itself, and that I had told him before that a lower cost ring would be enough for me. I understood if he wanted to get something more expensive later fine, but the agreement was engaged=living together and if he’s not sticking to the plan neither am I. So, he has agreed to get me the lower cost ring, so long as he can replace it later. He said that he felt better now that he didn’t feel like he was coming on “false pretenses”.
After I got off of the phone my mother asks “So, did you get it all figured out? Yes? Good.” Hmm… I feel like she knew something I didn’t. Anyhow, I want to be all “yay, everything is perfect,” but these sudden halts make me nervous. Because of this, I have a plan that will allow me to put him on the next plane out if we aren’t engaged in a certain amount of time and hopefully still be able afford the place. I’m willing to give him the chance. I don’t want to doubt him so heavily, but since we had the first issue it’s hard for me not to want to protect myself. Wish me luck bees. Here goes something.
Post # 21
Great job sticking to your guns. I like your comment:
“Because of this, I have a plan that will allow me to put him on the next plane out if we aren’t engaged in a certain amount of time and hopefully still be able afford the place.”
I’m not the most trusting soul in the first place, so I would have totally blown a fuse on this. I’m glad you both came to an agreement, and I hope he sticks to it this time. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders!
Post # 22
- Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club
I agree with okqueenbee. Great job sticking to what works for YOU, that is always most important. People are often afraid to stick up for themselves in that way (I know this doesn’t apply to you but I’m thinking in general), but usually people around you will respect you even more once you do.
Post # 23
that’s exciting that you guys came to an agreement! and good for you to sticking to your guns!
hopefully he’ll feel okay with getting the lower cost ring, and now that he realizes that you care more about being with him than what he’s giving you it’ll happen sooner!
Post # 24
Thanks ladies. I’m feeling better about the whole thing now, but am giving myself permission to be a tad wary for my own emotional well-being. I love him very much and I do know that he loves me too. I understand that a lot of emotion is tied up in this decision to be married. I will be patient, but I will not be strung along.
Sidenote: I don’t know how I managed to put “path of lease resistance” instead of least resistance… I guess I know what was on my mind!
Post # 25
Oh violetveil!! I would be very angry and hurt. This clearly is an excuse. Once you move in,he’s got ya! I know…….it happened to me. It’s been 2.5yrs. and I’m still waiting for the ring and proposal!!! Red flag girl! I would have a serious talk with him and REALLY get to the root of the situation. Money is an excuse,especially if you said he’s got a good job. He can buy a ring and make pymts. Think it throught before you move in!! Good luck in your decision!
Post # 26
@sunshine you should read her updates! 🙂