(Closed) I just ended my engagement because of his parenting

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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mandipandi:  I’m so sorry. Whatever the reason, ending a relationship is so hard. I do think you did the right thing (for whatever that is worth) but I’m still sorry. 

 

Has anyone else listened to last week’s this American life? In it a teenager semi live blogged her violent relationship. One of the things she learned is that most violent relationships start with isolating the victim from their family and that also it generally takes people something like 7-8 attempts to leave before they are successful. Just such a sad situation for all of those involved. 

It reminded me to try not to judge if I’m not in the immediate situation. And also to have faith and compassion.  What a sad story.  

Post # 48
Member
916 posts
Busy bee

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mandipandi:  I am really sorry for what you are going through.  Please,  as someone suggested,  you can probably still report the boyfriend to a mandated reporter. Maybe they can help get the proper authorities to do something concerning the boy. I doubt this girl is the only one. 

Post # 49
Member
273 posts
Helper bee

As a stepdaughter and a stepmother I would disagree with previous posters who have said that it’s not your place because you’re not her mother. You’ll never be her mother but once you’re married to her father you will absolutely be her parent.  What that parenting role looks like for you is up to you, your husband, and the daughter to ultimately determine. Blended families are unique in that they are all a little different.  If you and your Fiance aren’t on the same page as far as what your parenting role will be, maybe it’s for the best that you’ve decided to end it now. I will tell you that it took at least 2 years for myself, my husband, and his girls to figure out my role as their parent. I’m not their mother and have no desire to be but I am their parent, love them dearly, support and care for them, and want what is best for them. 

Post # 50
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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mandipandi:  Parenting a teenager is hard! Yes he’s made mistakes but he’s trying. It’s very hard to stop a 16 year old girl from visiting a 17 year old bf if she’s determined to. 

You’re obviously within your rights to walk out of course.

The cop was a judgemental d1ckhead. “Why are you even here?” What in the actual hell? Your Fiance was there to report a property crime. Why did the police not take action?

Post # 51
Member
6033 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

I have a son that will have a step parent. Once that ring goes on my finger (and even to an extent leading up to that point since we know where our relationship is headed) my son is expected to, in the least, respect him. We will be sharing a home as of november 1st. Once we share a home, the two adults running the home should have equal say in what goes on in that home. this includes who is allowed there and who isn’t. My SO would never overstep me as a parent, but i sure as hell wouldn’t be subjecting him to living in a residence where he has no say in what goes on, including with my child. If I expect him to help me support my son, and support our home, he gets a say, anyone who thinks other wise is being very unrealistic. I would never stay with someone who wanted me to be their partner but told me I had no say in something that clearly affects my life, home, happiness and well being. I could see if the OP was not wanting something good for her soon to be stepdaughter, but she is absolutely correct in being frustrated that her Fiance has let this go on so long. His daughter is a victim, but she’s also a manipulative brat, you can be both. In fact, sometimes the two go hand in hand. You learn to keep yourself in an abusive situation out of fear or guilt by any means necessary, even hurting those you love or being manipulative or defiant until you get the desired result. it’s part of the abuse cycle unfortunately.  She’s 16 years old. He is the parent. He should start acting like it.

OP, I would be done at this point as well. there’s no way I could live with someone who disrespected me so much, and who couldn’t stand up to his 16 year old daughter enough to get her out of an abusive relationship. He’s not doing her any favors. This would be a glimpse into the future for me and there’s no way I would share a home, a life, or parenting responsiblities with someone who handled things the way the OP’s Fiance is and who was expecting me to sit back and deal with it all happening in my home. No way.

 

Post # 52
Member
569 posts
Busy bee

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mandipandi:  I think you definitely dodged a bullet here.  I was always a “good girl” but my step-father wasn’t very nice and he was/is emotionally abusive to my mom so I’ve had little respect for him growing up.  Things have gotten better in the last few years but I would get very angry when he tried to tell me to do anything because he wasn’t my father.  BUT if he had let me stay in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, I would think so much less of him now. 

I think any adult knowing about something like that has a responsibility to step in to help the child who is being abused.

If you have already done everything you can, then it is time to get yourself out of that relationship.  She needs a stay away order or an order of protection (sorry, I’m not sure which).  She needs adults in her life to support her in getting that to avoid a lifetime of abuse.  If they have a kid together they will be tied together forever and it sounds like he is the type who would make sure that happens.

Also my stepfather has a daughter who was/is a “bad girl”.  For the past 30 years, he has sided with the daughter over my mother through underage drinking, playing chicken with his car and getting in a accident and many other things.  He treats his daughter like she can do nothing wrong but my mom like she is always wrong.  There is already a clear pattern of that here and please trust me, you don’t want to live like that for the next 30+ years.  My mom deserves better and so do you. 

Post # 53
Member
10 posts
Newbee

I hope you ended your engagement because you realize that it’s too difficult for you to be with someone who has a completely different parenting style than you’d like…rather than his parenting.

Marriage is about teamwork and if you can’t come together as a team regarding his children…it’s probably best to leave the relationship.

Having said that…parenting is not easy and your ex can not control his daughter.  He’s making choices the best way he knows how.  It seems like you’re trying to control him as well and bend him to your way of doing things.  Never a good idea.

Post # 54
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry that you’re going through this, but I think you made the right choice. Even if the daughter would have gone around the father’s back to hang out with the boyfriend, as a father, he should have put his foot down and made it clear that he did not support her abuser. I recognize what a difficult position he must be in as the sole parent of a teenager, but that’s unacceptable to me.

Post # 55
Member
4227 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

I don’t envy you right now. I’m sorry *hug*

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