- 6 years ago
- Wedding: December 2019
I’ve been trying to post this for a few days, but I just keep erasing it before I publish it because I’m scared. But I just don’t feel like I’m listened to very much with the people directly around me, so I don’t know how much longer I can keep it to myself.
Just quickly for background, my SO and I are in our early 20’s and are still in university. SO and I have been dating for almost four years and have talked about marriage and getting engaged at length, so I feel it will happen–eventually.
I’m having a really hard time with accepting the fact that our LDR is about to have some more distance for the next six months. It’s upset me the most becuase we were supposed to move in together this year when he came back to finish school here, and then an internship opportunity suddenly presented itself barely three weeks ago. I’m just crushed about it because I had been looking forward to it for so long, and now it looks like that it’ll be pushed back for another year, maybe more.
His program is very complicated, so we started out going to school together and living in the same dorm building, but then eventually he had to go to a different school. So basically, we’ve been seeing each other less and less every year, and it’s just starting to freak me out. But I don’t want to dump all my emotions on him because he’s scrambling to get everything together for this new job which starts in two days.
I’m hoping that once he gets settled in things will be better, but right now I’m just feeling really distraught. I keep trying to help him, but he tells me not to worry about it, and that makes me feel even worse. I wanted to be sneaky and send a gift basket to his apartment on his first day of work, but I don’t even know his new address.
I just feel completely pathetic at this point. I sit in my room and sob when I think about all of it and then just feel completely hollow the next day. I’m really trying to keep myself busy, but I just don’t have the willpower to do any of my other commitments besides my part-time job.
I feel dysfunctional. I drag myself out of the house to do things and start to feel better, but then eventually I just crash again. I’m already under pressure from other stuff (senior thesis, senior portfolio), and I’m hoping that this move is just exacerbating my already existing anxieties and that I’m really not this sad of a person.
So now I’m going to post this before I talk myself out of it again.