Post # 1
…by my Maid/Matron of Honor. This is mostly a vent, as I am trying to decide what to do. Our wedding is in 4 months. My Maid/Matron of Honor informed me last night that she cannot longer commit to participate in the wedding. Her reasons are valid (a lot of unexpected family and personal issues). I am not angry, mostly disappointed that she will not be standing there with me. She said that she will try to do her best to be there as a guest, but did not want to put me in the position of not being able to make in the last minute. I understand that. Now the issue is that I have to replace her. I can think of a couple of people that I would like to ask, but then there is the issue of being second choice and how they would feel about it. (Most people do not know who is in the bridal party, but they can easily find out what happened). Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you handle it?
Post # 2
- Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL
MOHs aren’t a requirement. Do you already have a bridal party? I’d just leave it at that, with bridesmaids. That way someone doesn’t feel second best and she doesn’t feel like she’s been replaced.
Post # 3
I don’t see why you have to replace her, and I don’t think you should.
Post # 4
If you already have other BM’s in place do not replace your Maid/Matron of Honor. If she can’t do it don’t give anyone else the position. I wouldn’t be anyones replacement Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 5
Let me add more more information. Our bridal party is very small. A Maid/Matron of Honor, a junior bridesmaid, a bestman and a junior groomsman. We added the “juniors” because we wanted to include our niece and nephews. So, if I do not replace the Maid/Matron of Honor, it is going to look very odd, and it will just highlight the fact that the Maid/Matron of Honor is MIA. I also do not think it is fair to strike the rest of the bridal party, specially my FI’s childhood friend just because my Maid/Matron of Honor dropped out.
Post # 6
that must be so disappointing. 🙁 unfortunately it is really bad form to bump someone up to Maid/Matron of Honor because your first choice bowed out.
Post # 7
I’m sorry this is happening to you bee. You sound like a really understanding person. I think I would probably not replace her at all and just have bridesmaids who are all “equal.” I didn’t have a Maid/Matron of Honor at all and it was fine, fwiw. Just had 5 bridesmaids.
ETA: just saw your update. That does make it more tricky. Is there a family member or close friend who understands the situation and wouldn’t mind being asked “second” to stand up there with you? I like to think I’d be honored if a family member asked this of me, rather than getting my panties in a wad because I wasn’t asked first, although it would probably depend on the circumstances.
If you can’t find anyone, I sitll think it would be okay to just have your junior bridesmaid standing up with you. Bridal parties don’t have to be even and I doubt anyone will really think twice about it. In our wedding, I had 5 bridesmaids and DH only had two groomsmen. It was fine!
Post # 8
I am heartbroken. This is a dear friend and really wanted her there. I am not angry, but it is very, very disappointing.
Post # 9
Agree with PP, do you have a family member (sister, SIL, cousin) that could stand?
Post # 10
OP, I had a similar situation. My Maid/Matron of Honor was not able to make it for personal reasons and felt bad, and I was sad but of course understood. We had a very small wedding and were only having one person stand up with each of us. So I had to ask someone else, so I asked my sister and she was delighted.
OP, you aren’t really replacing a Maid/Matron of Honor as much as asking someone to stand up with you. Since you don’t have several BMs I think its absolutely ok to ask someone else. I would try to choose someone who is going to understand the situation and hopefully not be so insecure they weren’t asked first. Its still an honor to stand up with someone getting married, no matter how far in advance you asked. Be honest and explain the situation as best you can, and even give the person a chance to say no if that would make them more comfortable.
Post # 11
I would just ask the person whom you are closest to besides your original Maid/Matron of Honor to stand up with you. Honestly, I think people will be understanding given the circumstances. If this happened to someone I considered a good friend, I would 100% stand up for them and step up to the Maid/Matron of Honor plate as best I could. I am sure that you have someone who would do the same!
Post # 12
Just wanted to let you know you are not alone! My Maid/Matron of Honor had to bow out and isn’t able to come to the wedding anymore. Her husband had school stuff come up and I was broken-hearted because I really wanted her there, Maid/Matron of Honor or not. A month later, she is now expecting and it is going to be a high risk pregnancy so she likely wouldn’t have been able to come now either way. I’m so happy for her and somehow that makes the whole thing a bit easier. I’m still a bit sad about it, but that’s life. I asked my sister if she wanted to be second choice Maid/Matron of Honor now lol. She and I have that kind of joking relationship though. I don’t really need a Maid/Matron of Honor, my sister and my other bridesmaid will still be there and that’s enough!
Post # 13
I was asked to be a back up bridesmaid days before a wedding. Did not offend me at all, would have happily helped any way I could. Unfortunately the dress did not fit.
Post # 14
I think you’re handling this really well. I have the same fear, not with my Maid/Matron of Honor but one of my BMs is very flakey and I’m afraid something will come up right before the wedding. I would be pissed. I feel like accepting a MOH/BM duty is one you should stick to regardless of whatever you have going on, and not showing up is sort of screwing over your friend. That’s just me.
Like PP have said, ask another friend or family member to stand with you, if you explain the situation I’m sure they’d be happy to oblige. It isn’t as much about replacing Maid/Matron of Honor as it is having someone there to assist.
Post # 15
My Maid/Matron of Honor and I have talked about this possibility. I asked her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor when I was planning local, now we decided to travel to Las Vegas and it dramatically complicates things. We’ve always point blank said we will cover the costs for our Bridesmaid or Best Man and Maid/Matron of Honor. It’s expensive to be in weddings and travel for them and we have the means to pay for it so we don’t care. But my Maid/Matron of Honor has 4 children and is in a poly marriage. Both of her partners work full time and she is a Stay-At-Home Mom. She’s going to make a decision for what works best for her family financially etc about 3-4 months out. She needs to know that they can financially afford to have someone at home for the days she will be gone to corrall kidlets. Her husband does construction work so his work schedule is solely dependent on when he has a project or not. He can’t afford to say no to work.
I don’t have a back up Maid/Matron of Honor, we only need one witness to get married and I’m okay with that. I’m sure anyone who genuinely loves and cares for you will be fine with stepping in to stand by you and support you.