(Closed) I just had an incredibly ugly waiting moment (long…as usual)

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You did that over text? Oh dear god.

Sorry, but you sound incredibly immature. Yes, he broke a “promise” but he has a legitimate problem here and that’s unemployment. He can’t buy you a ring, and what if he just proposed and now what? He’s still broke ass and can’t pay for no wedding (which will likely be the source of more fighting).

You need to learn how to communicate. Instead of you faking getting over it you should have said well the date has passed and we’re not engaged and you know, I get it. Times are tough and life just isn’t letting it happen. I’m thankful for you in my life and until we get back onto our feet. I get it. And I love you. Instead you chucked it in his face.

And it’s horrible that your judging him for his reaction. He’s bummed, and sometimes “good” things just piss you off more. So shame on you for getting your panties in a knot about his reaction. It’s just that you can’t make someone react the way you want, the world doesn’t work like that. If I’m pissed off my ebay package arriving is not going to make me scream YIPPPPIE! It just won’t.

So in order how to fix this, call him screw freggin’ texting. And you tell him specificially why you’re sorry. And then instead of accusing him of his poor reation tell him that you’d really apprciate if sometimes he could be more light hearted. Ask him about something/ anything during his day that was fun, funny or interesteing and make it a point everyday to talk about at least 1 positive thing for him. He has to try too, but you have quite a lot to be sorry for.

Post # 5
Member
14660 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

“His support style is not the same as mine.”

This is a very important thing to note.  It seems as though you recognize this, so you cant really expect him to comfort you the way you would comfort him.  He has a style… so it appears hes not good at comforting you the way you want, that does not mean he doesnt care… it just means he doesnt know how to show you the same way that you would.  Even if he did, would that necessarily make you feel better?  If he tried to comfort you about not being engaged… you’d still be bummed you werent!!  So look on the flip, he’s bummed about not having a job, about life, you try and try to comfort him, and its really sweet, and he’s likely thankful for it.. .but, it doesnt change his situation and he is still bummed!  Comforting only feels good for a split second, but it doesnt change the situation, which is the only way to fix it.

Let me ask you a real question.. what does the “engagement” mean to you?  Having a ring on your finger?  A plan to get married?  What type of ring do you want?  Can he afford it? If he had to use money to pay bills, then its quite understandable that he cant afford a ring.  If you just want to march forward with wedding plans… being broke, how will you afford a wedding?

Post # 7
Member
273 posts
Helper bee

I understand you are upset because he mentioned it to you a year ago, and you have been excited about it ever since, BUT I think you need to relax a little bit about the whole wedding thing.

A wedding shouldn’t define your relationship with him. At the end of the day, if you get to spend the rest of your life with him, wedding or not shouldn’t you be happy? Okay, so maybe that is a little extreme- BUT I too have discussed marriage with my boyfriend a year ago–we talked about it and I know we are on the same page- that we both want to get married- he even mentioned that maybe in a year and half from then we would get engaged (which would be 6 months from now). Honestly, I just remembered this now, it hasn’t been on my mind (i dont even think i am ready to get engaged that soon!)– I love him and having a great relationship with the person you love should be all that matters– you know he will eventually want to get married, so whats the big deal?

 If you keep pressing the issue you will cause your relationship more stress. You really need to ask yourself why marriage is SO important to you and why you think now of all times, is an appropriate time for him to take this next step (especially when he is going through such financial difficulty).

As far as him being depressed all the time, that is another story. I think that would bring me down too. Maybe you could speak with him about that, about how you wish he would have a more positive attitude about things and that you love him no matter what and are there to support him.

Post # 8
Member
273 posts
Helper bee

@Mewcakes: Sorry, I posted before I read your most recent reply. Now that I understand the situation, I feel your frustrations. I would be upset too if my boyfriend just dropped everything to start a business venture. Of course if you had met him later in life, he may have already pursued this and as they say timing is everything.

I understand what you mean about not living together. I am only 45 minutes away from my boyfriend (he lives in his own apartment and I am in school living at home) but I can’t stand driving back and forth to NYC (especially trying to find parking). So, on that note I couldn’t imagine being in your situation. I guess you have to look at the bigger picture and see if you can handle spending another 4 years in a long distance relationship. Either that, or maybe see if one of you would be willing to make the commitment of moving closer to one another.

Post # 10
Member
14660 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I dont want to be a downer, but calling yourself engaged in this situation as a means to promise that you will be together at the end is not a guarentee that you will.  If he promises you that he loves you and wants to marry you one day, its not exactly a “official engagement” with a ring and all but is that not all you want?  One of my best friends met her Fiance in Cali and dated there for a year.  They were long distance for the next 3-4 years, east coast/west coast.  He then finally came back to the east coast and proposed about a year later when they were together again in a better position to get married and continue life together.  I believe people should get engaged when they are ready to take the next steps to get married, not as a guarentee.  If you can make it through the next few years apart as bf/gf, you will get to the engagement as a stronger couple.  I dont believe calling yourself engaged is going to help the relationship make it there. 

Post # 11
Member
14660 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Also, if hes not working in his field right now in CA, could he come live with you and continue the job search remotely?  What type of job is he looking for?  Would companies fly him out for interviews?  Could he find work closer to you so it’d be easier to visit and cheaper flights?

Post # 12
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

It sounds like you are both going through a tough time at the moment. Job hunting can suck – it can be really demoralising to be out of work and you feel worthless and unwanted.

As a waiting girl, I know how much waiting sucks. It sucks A LOT. However at the moment he has a different emotional need… I would for the moment concentrate on helping him through this tough point of unemployment by supporting his emotional needs.

If you complain about not being engaged to him at the moment to him it will feel like beating him when he is down. Help him emotionally through this tough period and when he is not depressed and you are perhaps face to face, you can have a discussion about your future and how you feel let down by him in regards to his breaking a promise.

Post # 13
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

You need to not make what he’s going through right now all about YOU. He probably feels like enough of a failure right now without the added pressure.

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