Post # 1
Ugh, I’m so disappointed in myself. So here’s the background story:
Bf is currently unemployed. He’s being trying really hard to find a job in his field for about a month but hasn’t gotten anything yet. He’s now starting to apply to ANY job, like Kragen Autoparts. He works part-time on a friend’s farm for now, but it’s gonna be hard to pay bills with just that. Anyways, he has been really bummed out lately (understandably) and I’ve been trying really hard to cheer him up by being positive and talking to him about other things to keep his mind off it.
Yesterday he got a surprise package I had sent him in the mail with home-made candies, sweets, and a love note (we’re LDR). I happened to be on the phone with him when he got it, so I was excited to hear him open it and I hoped it would cheer him up. Well, he opened it and didn’t really seem very excited at all. He *said* he was happy/excited to have gotten a package from me, but it wasn’t reflected in his voice at all. He didn’t even try any of the treats I sent him while I was on the phone. He couldn’t even pretend to be excited about what I sent him. I was kind of disappointed that he wasn’t more happy, but I let it go.
Then today, it was more “I had another depressing day” etc. from him and I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I was tired of trying to cheer him up and comfort him every single day when none of it ever helped. But there isn’t anything more I could do for him! So I said “you always got upset with me when I would get sad about not being engaged. But I always manage to get over it for your sake. Even though I know that nothing will change for a long time. I guess I’m the only one not allowed to be sad”. I was speaking mostly out of frustration but then it just turned into me being angry about him breaking his promise to be engaged by this (past) August. I said “I guess I’m just not wife material” and he said “no, you are!” and I said “Well, I might be now, but I guess I wasn’t when we were living together”. And then he said he felt like sh*t and stopped texting me.
I feel really bad for hurting his feelings, but at the same time, I’m sort of glad that I was finally able to tell him how crappy I’ve been feeling for the last 3 years. And to be honest, I’m very hurt and bitter about him breaking his promise. So much that I can’t seem to stop myself from rubbing it in his face if the opportunity presents itself. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t feel like he was sorry enough or if I’m just…never going to forgive him. I don’t even know if I can be excited when I get engaged or if it will just be like “FINALLY, jeez.”
I don’t really know what I need. Counsel I guess? I just can’t get over the fact that he promised me that we’d be engaged and we’re not. And we probably won’t be for at least another year or 2. I want to let it go and just be happy, but every 2 or 3 weeks, it comes back to me and I end up feeling very sad in my heart for a few days at a time and my actions/word towards him reflect that. But I always feel bad about telling him what’s wrong with me since it always makes him feel bad. So I just end up looking like I’m being a bitch/whining about not being engaged.
Post # 3
You did that over text? Oh dear god.
Sorry, but you sound incredibly immature. Yes, he broke a “promise” but he has a legitimate problem here and that’s unemployment. He can’t buy you a ring, and what if he just proposed and now what? He’s still broke ass and can’t pay for no wedding (which will likely be the source of more fighting).
You need to learn how to communicate. Instead of you faking getting over it you should have said well the date has passed and we’re not engaged and you know, I get it. Times are tough and life just isn’t letting it happen. I’m thankful for you in my life and until we get back onto our feet. I get it. And I love you. Instead you chucked it in his face.
And it’s horrible that your judging him for his reaction. He’s bummed, and sometimes “good” things just piss you off more. So shame on you for getting your panties in a knot about his reaction. It’s just that you can’t make someone react the way you want, the world doesn’t work like that. If I’m pissed off my ebay package arriving is not going to make me scream YIPPPPIE! It just won’t.
So in order how to fix this, call him screw freggin’ texting. And you tell him specificially why you’re sorry. And then instead of accusing him of his poor reation tell him that you’d really apprciate if sometimes he could be more light hearted. Ask him about something/ anything during his day that was fun, funny or interesteing and make it a point everyday to talk about at least 1 positive thing for him. He has to try too, but you have quite a lot to be sorry for.
Post # 4
I know, it sounds like i’m 12. I was upset and I admit that.
It was over text because I couldn’t just call him during classes. You think I haven’t tried to call him? He’s been MIA for a few hours. He probably fell asleep or went for a ride. Either way, I guess I wasn’t very detailed about our relationship, but then the post would have been really long.
His support style is not the same as mine. I will try my best to say nice words and point out the positive in things. I send him notes and gifts even though I’m dirt poor and I’ll be in fat debt forever from school. But when he tries to “support” me when I’m upset, it’s mostly just with words and logic. Except for it doesn’t make me feel better. When he couldn’t propose, he basically said “I have no money, what do you want me to do?”. It was true, but it just wasn’t comforting to me. And then he was clearly getting upset with me for still being sad over it, so I just dropped it. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time since neither of us could come up with any solutions. But I still feel very sad inside when I think about it, so obviously I’m not really over it.
He wasn’t always unemployed, only in recent months. He made the promise to me a year ago. I was so excited…for like a year, about being engaged. And then he becomes unemployed and I found out that even though he SAID he had a few thousand dollars saved up, he had been paying bills with it for the last few months but thought he could make up the money so he kept telling me he had it. It might be immature, but it was a great disappointment for me.
I was frustrated that my efforts were never acknowledged. I wouldn’t say he was emotionally abusive by a long shot, but he tends to turn things around and always make me feel sorry for him. I was apologizing to him because I couldn’t seem to cheer him up. I was trying my best, but somehow it ended up seeming appropriate that I apologize that he wasn’t feeling better. But even when I’m the one who’s upset, I end up apologizing in the end because he’s sad that I’m sad. Just for once I wanted him to apologize to me. I realized that it was ridiculous that I was apologizing that my going out of my way to try to make him feel better wasn’t helping him. But, as always, it looks like I’ll still be the one apologizing.
Post # 5
“His support style is not the same as mine.”
This is a very important thing to note. It seems as though you recognize this, so you cant really expect him to comfort you the way you would comfort him. He has a style… so it appears hes not good at comforting you the way you want, that does not mean he doesnt care… it just means he doesnt know how to show you the same way that you would. Even if he did, would that necessarily make you feel better? If he tried to comfort you about not being engaged… you’d still be bummed you werent!! So look on the flip, he’s bummed about not having a job, about life, you try and try to comfort him, and its really sweet, and he’s likely thankful for it.. .but, it doesnt change his situation and he is still bummed! Comforting only feels good for a split second, but it doesnt change the situation, which is the only way to fix it.
Let me ask you a real question.. what does the “engagement” mean to you? Having a ring on your finger? A plan to get married? What type of ring do you want? Can he afford it? If he had to use money to pay bills, then its quite understandable that he cant afford a ring. If you just want to march forward with wedding plans… being broke, how will you afford a wedding?
Post # 6
As a couple in a long distance relationship, I think engagement would be a promise to me that we’ll be together in the end. Maybe I wouldn’t be so hooked on engagement if we still lived together and I got hugs and kisses everyday. We only talk for about 45 minutes every day with a few sparse texts in between. But him not having a job makes moving out to be with me impossible. Even if he managed to find a job in CA, I could never ask him to leave that job to come be with me in TN. Finding a well-paying job in TN is nearly impossible, so he probably won’t be coming out here for a job.
Of course in the beginning I was looking at nice rings, but now he wouldn’t even be able to afford me a sterling silver band from Walmart. So it doesn’t matter what ring I want, I shan’t be getting it.
So I realize that when I was upset for him not proposing….I wasn’t just upset about that. I was upset about…everything else. About the impact his business venture took on our lives and on our ability to be physically with each other. If he’d stayed at his old job instead of trying to start a new business, maybe he could have moved out here in a year or two. Now we’ll have to wait until I finish residency before I can move back to CA…in 2015. I’m upset because of the long-reaching effects that this series of events will have on our lives and our relationship. I was sad that he saw none of this coming. Sad that the way it worked out will result in our separation for what will ultimately be more than half of our relationship before I move back.
And you’re right…we will never be able to afford a wedding. I will probably be paying half my paychecks to student loans when I get out and he’ll be paying off loans with his grandpa for…who knows how long. I definitely mourn the loss of everything we could have and almost had. We used to joke around with the idea of having a “Backyard Barbeque Celebration” for a wedding and he used to refuse because he wanted to have something nice. But more and more I think it’s going to be what we’ll have to do. Even 5 years from now it will still probably be our only option. All this is why I’m always sad when I think about it. And all he could say to me is “what do you want me to do?”. I guess in the end there’s nothing we can do.
Post # 7
I understand you are upset because he mentioned it to you a year ago, and you have been excited about it ever since, BUT I think you need to relax a little bit about the whole wedding thing.
A wedding shouldn’t define your relationship with him. At the end of the day, if you get to spend the rest of your life with him, wedding or not shouldn’t you be happy? Okay, so maybe that is a little extreme- BUT I too have discussed marriage with my boyfriend a year ago–we talked about it and I know we are on the same page- that we both want to get married- he even mentioned that maybe in a year and half from then we would get engaged (which would be 6 months from now). Honestly, I just remembered this now, it hasn’t been on my mind (i dont even think i am ready to get engaged that soon!)– I love him and having a great relationship with the person you love should be all that matters– you know he will eventually want to get married, so whats the big deal?
If you keep pressing the issue you will cause your relationship more stress. You really need to ask yourself why marriage is SO important to you and why you think now of all times, is an appropriate time for him to take this next step (especially when he is going through such financial difficulty).
As far as him being depressed all the time, that is another story. I think that would bring me down too. Maybe you could speak with him about that, about how you wish he would have a more positive attitude about things and that you love him no matter what and are there to support him.
Post # 8
@Mewcakes: Sorry, I posted before I read your most recent reply. Now that I understand the situation, I feel your frustrations. I would be upset too if my boyfriend just dropped everything to start a business venture. Of course if you had met him later in life, he may have already pursued this and as they say timing is everything.
I understand what you mean about not living together. I am only 45 minutes away from my boyfriend (he lives in his own apartment and I am in school living at home) but I can’t stand driving back and forth to NYC (especially trying to find parking). So, on that note I couldn’t imagine being in your situation. I guess you have to look at the bigger picture and see if you can handle spending another 4 years in a long distance relationship. Either that, or maybe see if one of you would be willing to make the commitment of moving closer to one another.
Post # 9
The wedding won’t define us. I’m not as upset over the loss of wedding as I am over being separated for the next 4 years. I get about a week off at Thanksgiving, two weeks off at Xmas and 2 other 1-week breaks, but no summer breaks. So I’ll only get to see him for 10 weeks in the next 4 years, assuming I spent half my time with my family. Long distance has not been kind to me. I miss him and I’m an emotional person. But I swear I’m not as big of a drama queen as I come off. I spend an inordinate amount of my energy trying to make sure everyone else is happy and I end up just ignoring my own feelings, as long as no one else is hurting. But then I fail at dealing with my feelings and it all explodes. And that’s when we get pity-party WB posts like these.
Post # 10
I dont want to be a downer, but calling yourself engaged in this situation as a means to promise that you will be together at the end is not a guarentee that you will. If he promises you that he loves you and wants to marry you one day, its not exactly a “official engagement” with a ring and all but is that not all you want? One of my best friends met her Fiance in Cali and dated there for a year. They were long distance for the next 3-4 years, east coast/west coast. He then finally came back to the east coast and proposed about a year later when they were together again in a better position to get married and continue life together. I believe people should get engaged when they are ready to take the next steps to get married, not as a guarentee. If you can make it through the next few years apart as bf/gf, you will get to the engagement as a stronger couple. I dont believe calling yourself engaged is going to help the relationship make it there.
Post # 11
Also, if hes not working in his field right now in CA, could he come live with you and continue the job search remotely? What type of job is he looking for? Would companies fly him out for interviews? Could he find work closer to you so it’d be easier to visit and cheaper flights?
Post # 12
It sounds like you are both going through a tough time at the moment. Job hunting can suck – it can be really demoralising to be out of work and you feel worthless and unwanted.
As a waiting girl, I know how much waiting sucks. It sucks A LOT. However at the moment he has a different emotional need… I would for the moment concentrate on helping him through this tough point of unemployment by supporting his emotional needs.
If you complain about not being engaged to him at the moment to him it will feel like beating him when he is down. Help him emotionally through this tough period and when he is not depressed and you are perhaps face to face, you can have a discussion about your future and how you feel let down by him in regards to his breaking a promise.
Post # 13
You need to not make what he’s going through right now all about YOU. He probably feels like enough of a failure right now without the added pressure.
Post # 14
@pinkshoes: He’s environmental sciences. Despite the big ‘ol Mississippi running through this city (Memphis), there are no water resource jobs here! Sacramento county is ALWAYS doing water stuff!! But yeah, the move will be expensive, so I think he’s going to wait to move until he has a job offer that would make the move worth it. I’ll probably get sent away for externships in a couple years, so I still can’t decide if I want him to move. Plus, residency could be anywhere. So that would be another move for me. But long distance for 1 year >> long distance for 4 years. Emotionally, we are ready to take the next step. It’s just frustrating that every aspect of our lives is not allowing it.
@CupcakeLove: Yeah, I admit I hit him really hard when he was already down. When your boy is sad, you’re sad, y’know? So here he was, all sad, so I was feeling pretty awful because there’s nothing I can do for him. But he couldn’t recognize that I needed support too. I usually have to ask, with words, for support. We’ve discussed it, it’s just not natural for him. I’d love to work on it, but it’s hard when you’re apart. You feel like you just want to forgive him for everything just because being apart is hard enough. But realistically, I end up just forfeiting my needs in favor of his. Then I get pissy and mean.
@KatyElle: I know it’s not about me. But what do I say after I give him my very best pep talk and he just sighs and says “I guess” and then it’s back to the same mopery the next day, every day, for the forseeable future? I love him more than anything, but it beats me down too. I’m his only support, but I don’t have anyone to support me nearly as well. I snap every 3-6 weeks. Like clockwork.