Post # 1
So I just need some advice. I have been with my husband for almost 10 years married for 6. His attitude towards me has been so horrible I just need to know what some other women think. First of all I know every relationship has issues so i am not looking for the “you can do so much better” speech. My life with my hubby is very long and complicated. We met when I was 6 and started dating when I turned 18. I cant imagine a life without him in it. But I need to know if what he says and does would keep any other women around.
he blames me for everything. i actually mean everything. Last night he asked me to make potatoes with dinner (he was making steak) so I did. he was in the room when I started them. Then they get done and he comes into the kitchen and starts yelling at me that I should have let him know they were done long prior to that. Now he doesnt have time to make gravy. Ok now this is silly yes, but he is the cook in our house. He make 99% of the meals he knows how long they take. and maybe i could have said something but I sorta figured he had it down.
Right now he is laid off so he stays home with our kids. I get up at 6 and get me and our oldest ready for work/school and my husband sleeps until 8. well i am long out the door by then. I in between breaks pick our son up from school and get him to dc. then when I am done with my shift pick our son up and head home. I get home to a usually filthy house. I clean the house, I do the laundry and I do it all with my children attached at my hip. I am 100% resposible for the bills. meaning at this point I have to pay them all. I cant even trust him to hold the money or he spends it. But in the meantime if the bathroom is messy its my fault, one time I was at work and he couldnt find my sons coat he called and yelled at me for 15 minutes about how i am so lazy and such a slob. He didnt talk to me for almost a week. He threatens to leave me everytime we get into a fight about anything. He is never in his eyes to blame, According to him I am at fault, I dont make enough money, I dont keep the house clean enough, I dont buy the right kind of food, I didnt get his jeans washed right away. He expects me to do everything and just do it with a smile on my face. If I am tired he calls me lazy and pathetic. If I buy anything that is for me (came home one day with a soda, we had none left at the house) he calls me a selfish bitch.
I have given up everything for my marriage and kids, and i mostly just act like this isnt an issue. But truth be told I am getting burnt out. I dont know what to do. I have went out once with a friend in the last year. I have tried to go out and have dinner with my friends and all I get is him texting me asking when I would be home, and how it must be nice to be able to go out and eat while he is sitting at home, he says “what am i supposed to eat” I went out this last weekend with a gf to a halloween party and everything was great, I had a wonderful time. My husband didnt fight. well then all the sudden last night he says “so did youdo someone at this party” it was so out of the left I just sat there shocked.
I am just so tired of feeling like no matter what I do it will never be enough.
I love my husband, and i know that crappy past he has had and i tend to excuse a lot of what he does because of said past. I was also raised that divorce was never an option. you fight for your marriage because you promised to. Now I dont feel like i am stuck in my marriage i just need to know some insight that i am not seeing. I have tried everything, if i talk about it he says all i do is whine and feel sorry for myself. if i suggest going to therapy he refuses. I just am so stinking lost right now. Please help!
Post # 3
You all need professional counseling. If either of you refuse to go I think you’re both doomed to be miserable. I hope I’m wrong.
Post # 4
@OctBride-2012: I would gladly go. I cant force him to go. and I see what you are saying and i have said the same thing to him over and over again.
Post # 5
are you talking going together or seperate?
Post # 6
You can go to Therapy yourself. There is a book…. I can’t remember what it is called… but it is something to the effect of “It only takes 1 to change” or something along those lines. It gives tips on what you can do when YOU are the one who wants change in your relationship and you are getting resistence from the other partner.
So….. to answer your question “But I need to know if what he says and does would keep any other women around.” Just based on what you indicate here (and assuming that you probably HIGHLIGHTED which means there is more than just what you said) I would have a hard time staying in a marriage where I was demeaned and yelled at and where my children learned this as a model of behavior.
HOWEVER, I DO believe divorce is an option…. so I am probably not the one to give you the advice you need.
I can tell you that ONE person can make great strides…. but in the end BOTH partners have to want the same thing. I am curious… you indicate he won’t go to counseling and I think that is fairly typical. But…. does he even think that his behavior is unacceptable?
From my perspective….. the best case scenario is that you are married to someone who is selfish. Worst case you are married to someone who is a bully or could even be called emotionally abusive with how he accused you of cheating and seems to demean the things you do. I don’t know that anyone here can tell you which he is. But I wish you luck in strengthening either your marriage or your resolve so that you can find peace.
Post # 7
I think that even if just you individually started going to couples counselling without him that it could help – and then eventually he will start coming too.
I’m no therapist or anything – but I might think that since most guys are pretty bent on supporting thier family and stuff that he may be upset since hes been laid off? I dont know how to fix that or anything… but that may be a reasoning for his behavior.
Post # 8
I honestly do not see why you would want to stay in this marriage in its current state. I totally understand taking your vows seriously, but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with what sounds like a miserable situation; to me, it’s actually MORE immoral to stay in a loveless, joyless, unhappy marriage than to get a divorce.
I would put my foot down immediately. Either he agrees to go to counseling (and I believe you would benefit from couples counseling as well as individual counseling for each of you), or you’re gone. Period. He’s rejected the idea in the past, but you’ve not given him any reason to reconsider it. And if you think he’s just going to magically turn into a supporting, loving man who contributes to the marriage without some sort of counseling, you’re wrong.
The alternative to forcing him into counseling or leaving him is decades more of this lopsided, un-loving, unhappy relationship.
Post # 9
Ok, well, you said from the start of your post you don’t want to hear “you can do so much better.” However, you also said you want some insight that you’re not seeing.
Here you go:
He’s treating you poorly, you have a toxic and unhealthy relationship from what you’ve posted. You have children witnessing all this.
If he won’t agree to get counseling together, then you should get counseling alone.
If he frequently insults, disrespects and threatens to leave you – he does not love you, although he may think he does. But true loving behavior is the polar opposite of how he is treating you.
Counseling will help you decipher all this and help point you in the right direction. But, I have to say, if he won’t agree to get marriage counseling with you, this is yet another sign he does not care about you and does not love you.
What he does want is to control you.
And, your kids are going to grow up thinking this is the way marriage is. That stinks.
Post # 10
@3xaCharm: To be honest I dont know weather he thinks his behaivor is ok or not. when he gets upset he is verbally abusive. He was in therapy when he was younger. He had a very sad upbringing. and no that is not an excuse its just the way it was. He was raised by a horrible mom who to this day puts all the blame on him. This is a whole other story. But i feel like this is learned behaivor, this is something he has been dealing with his entire life. In fact only in the last year has he finally been able to admit who and what his mom is. So I kind of feel like he saw it for so long he just learned that is what you do. I KNOW HE NEEDS IT! and I know i could use some as well.
Post # 11
He is being verbally and emotionally abusive towards you. You both need to go seek counceling.
Post # 12
I would not put up with this sort of treatment. If he refused counseling, I would ask him to leave. What kind of example is he setting for your son? Do you want to have him grow up Thinking it’s okay to treatr women that way?
Post # 13
To be clear and I am not sure if this is something that makes any difference or not but he is not nor has he ever been physical with me. We had a stint about 4 years ago where we seperated for about 5 months. we got back together and our marriage was as close to perfect as i could ask. this is just recent with this new blame game. As a previous poster said it might be because he isnt working, I cant be sure. He knows he is depressed and I do not have rose colored glasses on. I know who my husband is, I knwo him better then literally anyone else in this world. I do not make excuses for how he acts. I just dont know when its finally enough. I am not say 100% against divorce, I just dont want to give up if there is something left to save.. I dont even know if i am making sense right now.
Post # 14
I agree with other posters. Go ahead and go to counseling yourself. It will help you so much. I’m sure your kids are suffering the effects of this relationship so it would help you learn to deal with it in a way that eases things for them too. I just so sorry this is happening to you.
Post # 15
id ask him again, tell him if he refuses, you’re leaving. not permenantly, but give him a couple of months to think things over and see what he is missing!
unfortunately if this doesnt work and after the break he is still unwilling, you cant go back. but thats a risk id definitely take.
i could not live like that or put my (hypothetical) children through it. you’ve already said you believe his mum/past are responsible for the way he acts, do you want him to affect your childrens lives the same way?
Post # 16
@wife05: It is possible he’s depressed about being out of work and venting his frustration on you. But that still does not make it right! He can get help for that but he needs professional help.
I understand that you love him.
Let me ask – What have you done together, so far, to improve things in your marriage? Do you talk to him about how his treatment of you is affecting you?
Why did you separate before? What was the reason? Why did you go back to him?