(Closed) I just need advice… long bear with me

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You all need professional counseling.  If either of you refuse to go I think you’re both doomed to be miserable.  I hope I’m wrong.

Post # 6
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

You can go to Therapy yourself.  There is a book…. I can’t remember what it is called… but it is something to the effect of “It only takes 1 to change” or something along those lines.  It gives tips on what you can do when YOU are the one who wants change in your relationship and you are getting resistence from the other partner.

So….. to answer your question “But I need to know if what he says and does would keep any other women around.”  Just based on what you indicate here (and assuming that you probably HIGHLIGHTED which means there is more than just what you said) I would have a hard time staying in a marriage where I was demeaned and yelled at and where my children learned this as a model of behavior.

HOWEVER, I DO believe divorce is an option…. so I am probably not the one to give you the advice you need.

I can tell you that ONE person can make great strides…. but in the end BOTH partners have to want the same thing.  I am curious… you indicate he won’t go to counseling and I think that is fairly typical.  But…. does he even think that his behavior is unacceptable?

From my perspective….. the best case scenario is that you are married to someone who is selfish.  Worst case you are married to someone who is a bully or could even be called emotionally abusive with how he accused you of cheating and seems to demean the things you do.  I don’t know that anyone here can tell you which he is.  But I wish you luck in strengthening either your marriage or your resolve so that you can find peace.

Post # 7
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think that even if just you individually started going to couples counselling without him that it could help – and then eventually he will start coming too.

I’m no therapist or anything – but I might think that since most guys are pretty bent on supporting thier family and stuff that he may be upset since hes been laid off?  I dont know how to fix that or anything… but that may be a reasoning for his behavior.

Post # 8
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I honestly do not see why you would want to stay in this marriage in its current state. I totally understand taking your vows seriously, but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with what sounds like a miserable situation; to me, it’s actually MORE immoral to stay in a loveless, joyless, unhappy marriage than to get a divorce.

I would put my foot down immediately. Either he agrees to go to counseling (and I believe you would benefit from couples counseling as well as individual counseling for each of you), or you’re gone. Period.  He’s rejected the idea in the past, but you’ve not given him any reason to reconsider it.  And if you think he’s just going to magically turn into a supporting, loving man who contributes to the marriage without some sort of counseling, you’re wrong.

The alternative to forcing him into counseling or leaving him is decades more of this lopsided, un-loving, unhappy relationship.

Post # 9
9947 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Ok, well, you said from the start of your post you don’t want to hear “you can do so much better.”  However, you also said you want some insight that you’re not seeing.

Here you go:

He’s treating you poorly, you have a toxic and unhealthy relationship from what you’ve posted.  You have children witnessing all this.

If he won’t agree to get counseling together, then you should get counseling alone. 

If he frequently insults, disrespects and threatens to leave you – he does not love you, although he may think he does.  But true loving behavior is the polar opposite of how he is treating you. 

Counseling will help you decipher all this and help point you in the right direction.  But, I have to say, if he won’t agree to get marriage counseling with you, this is yet another sign he does not care about you and does not love you. 

What he does want is to control you.

And, your kids are going to grow up thinking this is the way marriage is.  That stinks.

Post # 11
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

He is being verbally and emotionally abusive towards you. You both need to go seek counceling. 

Post # 12
901 posts
Busy bee

I would not put up with this sort of treatment. If he refused counseling, I would ask him to leave. What kind of example is he setting for your son? Do you want to have him grow up Thinking it’s okay to treatr women that way?

Post # 14
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I agree with other posters.  Go ahead and go to counseling yourself.  It will help you so much.  I’m sure your kids are suffering the effects of this relationship so it would help you learn to deal with it in a way that eases things for them too.  I just so sorry this is happening to you.

Post # 15
121 posts
Blushing bee

id ask him again, tell him if he refuses, you’re leaving. not permenantly, but give him a couple of months to think things over and see what he is missing!

unfortunately if this doesnt work and after the break he is still unwilling, you cant go back. but thats a risk id definitely take.

i could not live like that or put my (hypothetical) children through it. you’ve already said you believe his mum/past are responsible for the way he acts, do you want him to affect your childrens lives the same way?

Post # 16
9947 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@wife05:  It is possible he’s depressed about being out of work and venting his frustration on you.  But that still does not make it right!  He can get help for that but he needs professional help.

I understand that you love him.

Let me ask – What have you done together, so far, to improve things in your marriage?  Do you talk to him about how his treatment of you is affecting you?

Why did you separate before?  What was the reason?  Why did you go back to him?

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