(Closed) I just need advice… long bear with me

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 49
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Obviously he’s repeating what he “knows”. If that behavior was unacceptable to his childhood, which made it his “excuse or freebie” (meaning all the times you say “he’s had a hard past, so I give him an excuse”) today, than it shouldn’t be acceptable for you or the kids! Sorry for the bad grammar! He doesn’t seem like a “bad” guy, he is simply using the tools that he has today because he doesn’t know anything else. I hope he realizes that he is hurting the family.

Post # 50
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry, but there’s no way this all just randomly started six months ago. There must have been red flags and “wtf” moments over the past ten years.

I know you don’t want to leave him because you can’t imagine your life without him, but consider what your life would be like without him, just for a moment. What about a separation for a few days or a week? Maybe he needs time to figure out what he wants, and if saving your marriage is important to him. It might not be.

You’re going to do whatever you want to do. All I can say is, this will just get worse for you and your kids if you don’t do something soon.

Good luck.

Post # 53
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It is very weird. I’m not sure what you’re looking for someone to say. You should get into counseling like, yesterday. If he won’t go, you have to leave. It’s obviously easier said than done, but you can’t stay with someone who isn’t willing to at least try and work on your marriage. It sounds like things are progressively getting worse, and they will continue to do so. It’s selfish for the both of you to stay when it’s not what’s best for your kids.

No need to state the obvious that abuse is cyclical. This is something you can’t afford to put your children through.

Post # 54
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Ok, a few things. First of all, I’m so sorry you’re going through this! It must be heartbreaking.

I agree with what others are saying, that this is emotional abuse. It sounds to me like your husband is depressed, or there are some other mental/emotional issues at play here. Has he ever struggled with addiction? Is there a history of mental illness in the family? How old is he? Is it possible he’s having an affair? Not that it’s your job to “fix” him, but the more knowledge, the better. And the fact that this is new behavior suggests that something has triggered his sudden change.

It seems like there are two separate issues at play here: your husband’s unacceptable behavior towards you, and your not knowing how to set boundaries for yourself. These things certainly may be linked, but the fact that you are doing ALL the work in the household AND running errands for your kids AND going to work is not ok. Going to a therapist individually will help you learn to set boundaries for yourself, and to learn what you are and are not willing to put up with in a relationship.

As for your husband, I’m not really sure what to tell you. It’s clear he’s going through some issues right now, but as you and others have pointed out, it is not alright for him to be taking them out on you (especially when you have an impressionable kid learning to take his relationship cues off of you two). Keep in mind that his behavior is most likely stemming from something he is trying to avoid dealing with. So continuing like this, with you miserable and him miserable-but-not-willing-to-confront-the-root-of-his-problem is not an option. He is probably using you as a scapegoat for whatever he’s dealing with, and in doing so, avoiding actually dealing with it. I’m not saying this to psychoanalyze, but rather to open you up to the possibility that staying with him and trying to be “supportive” (because of his rough childhood, etc.) is not the best way of loving him right now. It’s certainly the best way of maintaining the status quo, but as you’ve said, the status quo isn’t working for you. Not to mention, it’s not working for him either.

I’m not usually one for ultimatums, but given the circumstances and how (understandably!) unhappy you are, I would honestly just say “Honey, I am deeply unhappy with our marriage right now. I love you and would love to work together improve things, but we need help working through our relationship because I cannot remain in this marriage as it is. I need you to agree to go to counseling with me. Otherwise, I am either going to ask you for a separation or a divorce.” Or something like that. Basically, I don’t think you should remain in this relationship unless he shows some willingness to change, because nobody should have to shoulder the burden of keeping a household running singlehandedly *while* being verbally abused by the grown man she is taking care of. It’s just not right. If he agrees to go to counseling, great! You have a road ahead of you, but at least he acknowledges that he there is a problem and expresses an interest in preserving your marriage. If he doesn’t…I don’t know what to tell you. You can’t save the marriage alone.

Post # 55
Member
1483 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@sweetie78:  I had the same suspicion. From the OPs first few posts it seemed like a chronic thing. Certainly not totally out of character.

OP, I’ve had a habit of having relationships with damaged men, including my DH (group homes, foster care, physical abuse, poverty), but the difference with him is that he has always worked on himself and treated me with love kindness and respect. He doesn’t drag me down with him. I am not completely responsible for his happiness. That is too much to ask of someone. My ex was also damaged but wouldn’t help himself until I left. After over 6 years of struggle. We had good times for sure and thankfully no children, and he loved me in the limited way he was capable of, but it took therapy for me to realize that I couldn’t fix him. We are friends now and he’s better but still struggles. Please don’t subject your children to any more of this behavior. Show your husband that you have limits and that you will leave him to protect yourself. 

Post # 57
Member
9940 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@wife05:  Thanks for the update.  Good luck!  I wish you all the best.

Post # 58
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It’s a good start. Good luck! : )

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