Post # 1
Today marks the one year mark until our wedding day. I started out so unbelievably excited today. I just can’t wait for the actual day to come! Things have been going so well the last two weeks and I was just so grateful for the maelstrom that was my life for finally settling down.
And then I get and email from my mom….
We had been doing so great working together (huge change from the norm!) and we were planning on going to Chicago in November to look at wedding dresses. We were both really excited about it. The last few months have been life changing for all of us in my family. My grandma (mom’s mom) passed away a few months ago and my grandpa (who lives in a different state than both of us) was having a horrible time adjusting, had property stolen, was ripped off (over $12k) by a contractor and was having some health problems himself. My mom had to spend the last 3 months (and tons of money) trying to right the situation with him and manage all aspects of my grandmother’s death. My mom has also been close to death twice in the past year with serious medical conditions complicated by Lupus. She has been getting better, but still has a long way to go and all of this has taken its toll on her.
The last two weeks were the best they had been in over a year. Then I get an email from my mom saying that she had been in a car accident last night. My mom was told years ago that if she was ever hit by an airbag, she could die because of her degenerative disc in her neck and back. Fortunately, she seems to be ok, but she’s in extreme pain and refuses to go to the hospital. To make matters worse, she had been drinking with a friend and was over the limit when the cops came (almost 2xs over!). She also didn’t have an in-state license which in CA is the equivalent to driving without a license.
She shouldn’t have been drinking because of all of the meds she has to take for her illness, she shouldn’t have been driving after drinking and she should have gotten her license for CA like 5 years ago… I’m really mad about that. But I’m also really worried that she’s going to do something stupid. She’s been battling depression for so long and she kept saying over the phone that “this was the last straw” that it was the worst thing that’s happened. She just cried the whole time I talked to her. She didn’t tell me she had a DUI, but my dad confirmed that she does. As well as a November court date to determine if there is jail time and how long her license will be suspended. She now doesn’t have a way to get to her doctor appointment and we definitely won’t be going dress shopping (least of my worries).
I guess I’m just so upset because things were going so great and now everything has bottomed out again. I come from a great family. We all have Master’s degrees, had good upbringing, but from the stories …you’d never think so. I just don’t understand why she would get behind a wheel. And I’m really worried about how this is going to affect her in the long run. I don’t want things to spiral even further out of control with her health or her mental health. I just don’t know what to do. She’s in CA, I’m in OH, my grandpa is in TN and my dad travels every week for work. I can’t be there for her. I can’t fix anything. I can’t drive her to her doctor appointments. I just don’t know what we’re in for in the next few month and that just terrifies me. I can’t go through another year like this. I just can’t.
Bees – if you have any advice, words of encouragement or …anything… it would be so, so, appreciated.
Post # 3
Wow, so sorry you’re going through this.
Lean on FH. Hopefully, he’ll be a great companion through this. 🙂
Every cloud has a silver lining! Keep your chin up!
Post # 4
This is a really sad story. My words of advice:
If this is her first dui, the courts may give her a fine, make her take a few classes and suspend her license for a year. The likelihood of her going to jail is very slim.
Support your mother right now. Tell her that she is going to get through this. Also, make sure you tell her that you are not upset with her and stand by her side throughout this entire ordeal.
Post # 5
What a horrible downturn everything has taken! I am so sorry this all had to happen after things were going so well.
If your mom has not had a DUI before I’m pretty sure she will not have to do any jail time, but she should definitely get a lawyer to help her get the minimal sentencing possible if she can.
Look into medical transports or shuttles that can pick her up and bring her to her appointments. I don’t know if there are any, but it couldn’t hurt to check.
It sounds like your mom is going through a little rough patch. I know you can’t be there for her physically, but sending her a nice Hallmark card could be a good unexpected pick-me-up for her.
I don’t know what else to say, but I hope that the stress is minimal and that everything is relatively easily resolved. Hang in there!
Post # 6
so sorry to hear what you’re going through. if it makes you feel any better, just know you’re not alone in what you’re going through. you have FH, and you have the hive.
thankfully she didn’t fatally hurt herself or someone else. i know how hard it can be living so far from your family and feeling helpless when something goes wrong. just try to live your own life, offer love and support the best you can from where you are, and keep your chin up! tomorrow is another day. <3
Post # 7
I’m so sorry about the accident! But like others have said, she’s alive. Talk to your FH, tell him your fears and troubles. Especially at times like this it’ll help so much to have him there. It’s going to be fine.
Post # 8
Hang in there hun. I know what it’s like to have huge issues going on and you can’t be there. Sending ~HUGS~
Post # 9
Oh I’m sorry things have bottomed out for you again! The good news is your mom is alive – she does have many issues to sort out, but she will be ok and that is what’s important! As the others have said, use your Fiance and tell him your worries. He is there to support you in times like this! Good luck sweetie 🙂
Post # 10
In situations like this it’s easiest just to realize that You have no Control over them. There is nothing you can do to help the situation; so you just have to go with it. Yes it is a very terrible situation but your mother put herself in the situation herself. Every person knows they shouldn’t be drinking and driving. Especially a person who is on regular medication. She should be setting a better example for her daughter actually (she knows that; that’s why she didn’t tell you; & ur dad did). I think you should be there for her. Offer an ear for her to vent; but know that it’s out of your control. It’s hard to just sit and wait and see how things pan out; but there really isn’t ANYTHING that can be done to change the outcome. What’s done is done. We deal with a lot of stress from my Fiance mother and it really has just become the easiest way to handle it. We don’t ignore the situation but we basically know it’s in her hands. Not ours. Hope things go well. The next few months will be tough; but at least you will know whats next after she goes to court.. Best wishes!
Post # 11
Thank you all so much! It’s just so nice to have some support! My FH is definitely my rock through this – I just hate that I weigh him down with so much sometimes. He just gets frustrated when he can’t fix things, but he’s still awesome and very supportive.
This is her first offense. She hasn’t had any legal trouble ever, so I’m hoping they will go easy on her. I just hope she doesn’t have to deal with jail. Her immune system is so sensitive, I can’t imagine her spending any time there would help with her health.
I’m DEFINITELY thankful that’s she alive. That’s one of the first things I thought of- she’s just so fragile medically. She’s lost so much weight and doesn’t have much strength left after all of her medical issues she’s been through…we’re definitely VERY lucky that she made it out of the car ok. I’m actually shocked that the impact (she ran off the road, over and ditch and into a wall) didn’t kill her instantly -especially with her having neck surgery ten years ago and degenerative discs. It’s simply amazing that she walked away from it.
@Jazziberry: I definitely need to send her a card. I don’t do that enough anyway. Thanks for the idea!
Thank you all!!!
Post # 12
UGH! I talked to my mom and while I’m on the phone with her, she passes out and hits her head, splits her lip and busts her nose. She refuses to go to the doctor until my dad says she needs to…even though she definitely heard a “crunch” when she hit and has muscle spasms throughout her legs and into her toes. I called my dad and he won’t go home until he’s done with work. I begged him to take her to the doctor or ER or whatever and he just said “we’ll see how she feels when I get home. We’ll assess the situation then.” What if she has a concusion? What if she has internal bleeding? She has so many things wrong how could she not be taken in for at least a once over just in case? This is so frustrating and scary!
Post # 13
Oh my goodness!! Like you, I, too, cannot understand why she won’t go see a doctor. That is scary, hun! I hope she is all right!
Post # 14
I just wanted you to know I am sending prayers for you and your family to get through all this okay.
Post # 15
wow, that’s rough. It sounds like your mom might have a serious problem between the depression and the drinking. You can’t fix things and it’s not your job to. Just be there emotionally to support her. Have you thought about checking out an Al-Anon meeting? I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you, but I have a friend in a similar situation and she found the meetings really helpful. Good luck!