Post # 1
I have CKD, and I have made peace with that. I always knew it might be harder to have a baby with my condition, but I didn’t think that the two would necessarily be linked, and since I don’t really see myself having children for a while I didn’t consider it further. However, recently my nephrologist told me that he would recommend that I not get pregnant EVER due to the risks involved. That was quite a shock. My gp said that if I were to consider it, it would probably have to happen really soon. The thing is, we are not even married yet and I honestly don’t feel ready to have a child anytime soon. I want to complete my Phd, travel, and achieve a lot before I become a mother. I’m still pretty selfish. When I see a baby, my immediate reaction is “thank goodness I don’t have to put up with all of that yet”. I love kids but my maternal instinct has not kicked in at all yet. I’m pro adoption, but Fiance has always said that he wants his own kid. I’m kind of angry at the universe that I have to even think about this now. Fiance has said that he doesn’t mind if we don’t have kids. But I know he wants kids, so won’t this become an issue later? More importantly, will I regret waiting until it is potentially too late for me more than I will regret having a child when I am not emotionally or financially ready for it?
Help me, I have thoughts spinning through my head and I can’t seem to order them.
Post # 3
Have you thought about or discussed with your doctors the idea of having eggs harvested for future use?
Post # 4
with the advances in medicine now i am sure that it will work out. Let the wedding be the issue for now, not a baby. Later if you can’t get pregnant then perhaps you can look into options such as where someone else carries your child thus allowing the child to be your flesh and blood without the medical issue. There are other options too that adoption isnt the only thing. What is to say that later on there isnt a treatment that allows you to have kids? when you are ready to have kids it will work out, for now enjoy the wedding process and look forward to the big day 🙂
Post # 5
I am sorry, alli.
My opinion and it is totally coming from someone who is childfree so there is that, but you should not have a child before you are ready, or are even sure about it (as you said, you are “waiting for maternal instinct”). There may be others that disagree, and if you were SURE you wanted to have kids like NOW and were READY NOW then I would say go for it, but I just do not get that vibe from you. I know for myself I spent years “thinking” I would have kids one day and was “waiting for my maternal instinct” and like you “was thank goodness I do not have to deal with that yet” until I realized one day I did not want to (or have to) deal with it ever and was at peace with it (relieved, even) and was damn grateful I never gave in to any pressure (on myself or by others) to have them. I would just hate to see you rush to have kids to only decide that maybe it was not for you after all.
I do not want to make this is a childfree issue. It is certainly not. It is a “wait until you know whether you want them or not” issue. I know there are people who say you could never regret having children, but I disagree. I can google it and find plenty of people who do, and have people in my life who, while they love their kids, have often been honest with me about how if they could go back they may have chosen quite differently. In often cases I think it is because they were really not 100% on board with it themselves yet. I think you MUST be 100% on board with having kids before you have them. Not just because you feel pressured, expected, or “mandated” to by your own reproductive limitations. If you are 100% on board, I think it works out much better all around!
As for your Fiance, I don’t know if it will be an issue or not. However, I will say “not necessarily”. My husband is not quite childfree like I am but he would rather be with me than without me to have kids with someone else. He finds other ways to have children in his life – mentoring, for example, or spending time with our nephews. And if you both are open to adoption? Then that certainly is an option.
Post # 6
I wish I had an answer for you. I just really want to send you hugs and let you know that I’m thinking and praying for you to be at peace with whatever decision that you and your Fiance make.
Post # 7
I agree with above comments, dont have a baby before you feel ready. doctors dont know everything, each case is different. I dont have kids, I have Endo & am in my mid 30s. 5 years ago when i was diagnosed (after suffering for 20 years with it), they told me if you wnat kids you should start asap after the surgery which i had then. I didnt feel ready & still dont (in fact i am undecided if i want them), so I will just take it as it happens. i know people who have been told they couldnt have kids have them.
Post # 8
I see from your post that you’ve somewhat discussed children with your FH, but I think what would be best for both of you would be to sit down and realistically write down or discuss what options you have for children given your health condition. You have the uterus and you have to incubate the baby if you have one in your body, not him, but you are the one with the health condition. Sure, he says he wants a biological child but if you can’t necessarily have one, that needs to be openly discussed and accepted. You might not have that maternal instinct at this moment, but if you’re getting married next year, it will come up befor eyou know it. I think it’s better to know sooner than later, now that your doctor has given his advice about you conceiving and carrying a child, what your options are and what you and your FH accept are the path or paths you would prefer to choose.
Post # 9
I agree, freeze some eggs!
Post # 10
I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this. Don’t rush into parenthood just because of the timing. I completely agree about having your eggs harvested and preserved, and later you could have a surrogate carry a biological child of yours and your FIs. Good luck!