Post # 1
Member
27 posts
Newbee
And I have mixed feelings about it. Some relief because at least I can stop trying so hard. But it’s difficult because we are getting married in the city she lives in (and my fiance’s daughter lives there) so it’s not like I only need to deal with her during the holidays. There are a lot of reasons I now believe she doesn’t like me, but trust me, it’s safe to say it. She has been passive aggressive and extremely critical of me and every decision I’ve made. Luckily, I won’t have to deal with her as much once the wedding is over. But I’m wondering, for anyone else in a similar position, how do you deal with her dislike for you? She’s nice enough to me most of the time, and I think my fiance is oblivious (and a bit of a momma’s boy which makes this a little more delicate). I think she has purposefully meddled in our relationship before so I’m curious how you deal with this without impacting your relationship/marriage?
Post # 2
Member
2344 posts
Buzzing bee
Be very wary!
Do you want children? If so, make sure you and your fiancé are on the same page with respect to grandparent involvement etc. Does he expect to spend holidays with mommy? For her to participate in all your nuclear family celebrations?Will she expect a key to your house? To be able to “drop in”?
i think a man having a good relationship with his mother and treating her well is a massive plus. When that drifts into mummy’s boy territory then it becomes a huge problem.
You need to discuss these things before you marry.
Post # 3
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
I have a similar issue. FH still lives at home (he seriously helps them out with finances, so he’s not just mooching), so I see her all the time. What I do to get through it is just be polite, bite my toung, but don’t go out of my way to do anything for her. I don’t think that her dislike of me has anything to do with me, as much as it is that I’m marrying her youngest son. Idk if this helps, but I hope it all turns out ok.
Post # 4
Member
257 posts
Helper bee
DH’s family is rude enough to me that I KNOW they don’t like me, his mom has come around in recent years but still… I’m not dumb.
Kill em with kindness. I’ve tried for years to get them to like me and all of it was wasted effort. Plaster a smile on your face and keep her at an arms length. I’ve started going to therapy because his family has fucked with my head so much and its been incredibly helpful.
Set boundaries with your FI; for example, my DH seems to think that when his family says jump, the answer should be how high. He feels guilty for not spending enough time with them when we spend OODLES (I’m talking summer house long weekends, four or five days in a cottage/lodge with his family…. yeah no thanks!).
Figure out what you’re comfortable with and what’s reasonable – somewhere in between, you’ll find a happy medium that will keep him happy, his mom happy AND most importantly, makes YOU happy. Good luck OP – be prepared to deal with this kinda stuff for the long haul, its part of the package.
Post # 5
Member
27 posts
Newbee
Luckily, she lives about 2 hours away so it should never get too bad (and dropping in shouldn’t be an issue). Unluckily, she lives 2 hours away and it is always where his daughter is. So I will have to be exposed to her a decent amount.
She just loves to insert herself in everything so it is a concern. We are both unsure about children. If we do, it will only be one and her role will be extremely limited (she is beyond overbearing with his daughter and it drives me crazy). I think she wishes he had ended up with his daughter’s mother honestly. Yes, we are going to split holidays so I will have to deal with her occassionally. He will also want to visit a decent amount (once every couple months). It’s difficult because he doesn’t believe she doesn’t like me, but it’s pretty obvious to me. She is very nice to my face (especially in front of him) but is very critical and makes a lot of snarky comments with a smile on her face.
He is going to talk to her about how overbearing she’s been with the wedding but getting him to stand up to her is very hard (even if it pertains to his own daughter). We have already had a few arguments about her this year (her trying to invite herself on our only vacation together when I was barely seeing my fiance due to work). I’ve decided I don’t care if she doesn’t like me – makes my life easier now that i realize it. But I don’t want to cause problems between the fiance and I and getting him to limit trips will be difficult.
Post # 6
Member
27 posts
Newbee
All good advice, thank you ladies! Yeah, he is exactly the same way – she says jump, he says how high. It’s very frustrating. I know he’ll put me first if push ever comes to shove, but she doesn’t deserve to cause problems between us and I’m done stressing about her. I am in therapy as well because of all this stress. She has been a nightmare the past few months and keeps usurping wedding tasks. And she’s planning on having his daughter wear a tiara to our wedding… a freaking tiara! I’m the bride, and I am not wearing a freaking tiara!
Post # 7
Member
2041 posts
Buzzing bee
ridgebacklover : I’m just gonna suggest heading over to DWIL nation. You’re gonna get some real blunt advice from people who have lived it.
Post # 8
Member
733 posts
Busy bee
I think if anyone could give a easy answer to this the’d make a million. Best advice I have is to just be patient and hope she gets used to the idea that her son has a wife. Hopefully you Fiance will but you and your marriage first. if it gets too difficult to deal with her, then maybe have just your Fiance deal with her most of the time. Can’t always make things work out wonderfuly with people. I think if everyone only married people with families that they got along with perfectly all the time no one would ever get married.
Post # 9
Member
2320 posts
Buzzing bee
Let her wear the tiara! I’m pretty sure people still know who the bride is
Post # 10
Member
644 posts
Busy bee
I don’t give a crap to be honest. Like many husbands, mine has a fairly laid back approach to how often we see his family. If I don’t push him, he’ll only suggest it a few times a year. So the upshot is that that is all she sees of him.
Post # 11
Member
27 posts
Newbee
Innerdonught : Not the point obviously. I don’t actually care about the darn tiara (though it’s ridiculous).
Yeah, the problem I’m running into is that his mother is very manipulative and makes him feel bad about not seeing her more (even though he is there every other weekend at the moment!)
Post # 12
Member
2320 posts
Buzzing bee
ridgebacklover : Except maybe your attitude over simple things like a tiara are half the problem here.
If that s your one example of her being overbearing you need to grow up