(Closed) I just received this email from my mom. Please help me figure out what to do.

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
11 posts
Newbee

GV,

It’s your day! As long as you are comfortable with how you look and feel, you’re going to look beautiful no matter what. No one can outshine you or can’t compete with you.  Of course you are the center of attention that nite, but everyone is coming to your wedding to celebrate with you and celebrate you both, not to make you feel like crap about how THEY think you look.  Who cares what other people think anyway?  I have the complete opposite with my weight, where the bridal salon I went to to get my dress had the owner scream out to the front – OMG! Get the peanut measuring tape for this one!  And then explaining to everyone how I’ll have to get lots of bra stuffing inserts to give a "womanly effect" Lovely.  It’s a society standard everyone is after, but it isn’t real – it’s B.S. Obviously.  Just go out there and get married girl, and party like you never did before.  Doesn’t matter what you look like, it’s not about anyone but you and your groom.  If you’re both happy, everyone should take note.  Your mom is doing her motherly duties, and ultimately, I bet she’s happy for you and just honestly concerned.  Explain to her how this makes you feel, and that perhaps it’s adding more stress to you than you can handle right now with all the planning.  Tell her that you’re happy and feel good about yourself, and aren’t too fussed with other people’s appearance.  I hope that helps.

Post # 4
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I can imagine that would be an unpleasant email to read first thing in the morning – particularly because, as you said, you are well aware that the bride and groom are the center of attention! I would assume, however, since you said that you and your mom talk a lot and are a lot alike, that her email was coming from a good place.  I know it might not seem that way, but I bet she just wants you to be the "best you can be" (not taking into account that you’re probably pretty darn great right now) on your wedding day, and wants some company on her own difficult weight loss journey.  If I were you, I’d take a few hours to not read the emails and have a breather, and when you’re comfortable, you can talk to your mom. I’d suggst on the phone, since emails are so hard to interpret (tone) and just say that while you appreciate her concern for your health and her desire for you to be in "top form" on your wedding day, you don’t need any additional stress as you plan the big day.  If you *are* interested in changing eating/fitness habits, then you can maybe discuss how the two of you can serve as support mechanisms for each other.  The email sounds like your mom loves you very very much, and thinks you’re beautiful, but might have expressed it in the entirely wrong way.  Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

No advice–just wanted to say that you are not alone. I just recently got engaged but expect to hear comments from my mom along these lines. I’ve heard them all my life. Hang in there.

Post # 6
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

Aw, I’m sorry you’re feeling so much anxiety about your mom, your dress, etc.!  I know what you mean – there is enough pressure to be thin, to look good on your wedding day, etc. without someone close to you reminding you.

However I do think it’s good that your mom realizes that fitness/diet choices should be made for health reasons (and not just to fit in to a dress) and that she’s willing to support you if that’s what you want to do.

I would let her know that you appreciate her support, but you’re handling it on your own and will let her know if you can use her help (who knows, maybe she’d offer to pay for a gym membership or some workout gear).

If my mom said this to me, I’d likely get super defensive too, but just know that she loves you and wants the best for you.  Maybe there’s a way you can work with her (and not against her).

 

Post # 7
Member
39 posts
Newbee

She didn’t sound like she was pushing the "health" of it all. If she was concerned about health, I would think she would have started a plan a long time ago for herself (regardless of you or any upcoming weddings).

It sucks that she tried to massage the subject. Frankly, she shouldn’t have said anything unless you asked for her thoughts. 

If you are 115, 215 or 315 pounds… no one will whisper that you look like you’ve been eating too many donuts. You are the bride, and everyone will just be happy to be at your wedding. They won’t look at a few extra pounds, I promise. 

Post # 8
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Honestly… I understand how you feel, but her email was not malicious.

I expected her to be totally rude about it…  She’s not just talking about you and your weight… she’s setting a goal for you both to complete and while you will be losing weight- she’s also mentioning health.  I don’t think your mom was trying to hurt your feelings, I would view this as a bonding activity.  This is something you could do together- and while you may not lose any weight… you would probably feel better and have more energy- which you will need wedding planning!

   I totally understand how you feel though, and maybe I don’t think your mom is malicious… because mine is.  When I went wedding dress shopping my mom came right out and said I had gotten way to heavy (in front of a sales clerk).  My mom is just blunt and I am accustomed to it.   In less than a year I went from a size 6 to a size 16 (I love food… what can I say?)… finally I’ve gotten back down to a size 10 which I am content with.

 

     Try not to take this poorly, even though I understand how you would- view it as a mother daughter activity.  More importantly.. make sure you’re comfortable with yourself.  Don’t do this to lose weight.. commit to it so you have more energy.  

 

  I’m sure you will be gorgeous.   

Post # 9
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

"Please help me figure out what to do." — It sounds to me like you have already done the best thing: being open with her on how hurtful this is, regardless of how well intentioned. As for the fitting – either don’t bring her or bring along some (supportive) friends. I suggest the former.

This really bothers me. My mother has struggled with her weight her entire life and I’ve seen how much pain comments like this can cause. If it makes you feel better, this happen to all brides no matter their shape and size, like Hannah said. I’m 5’2" and 125 lbs (so hardly overweight) and I have gotten so many questions about what diet I’m going to use, or even "congratulating" me on eating "with my wedding right around the corner". Sigh. People hold brides to a higher level of appearance, when really we should all just feel and look like ourselves.

Ditto to Pinky. You are going to look GORGEOUS on your wedding day because you are going to be SO HAPPY. The smile you get from the love you share with your new husband is more powerful than a day at the gym, make up, or even Spanx. 😉

Post # 10
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2008 - A garden wedding followed by a tented reception on Mr. Hummingbird's father's property.

Oh, my mom totally did this to me! Just after we got engaged, she did this whole thing where she would send me e-mails about getting my teeth whitened (they’re a little crooked and coffee stained) and going to the dermatologist (I still break out and have roscea) so I could be "fixed" for my wedding.
I ended up sending her an e-mail saying "Look Mom, you know I love and respect you, but you have to back off. Now. I know you think you are being helpful, but all this is saying to me is that you don’t think I’m good enough and that’s really hurtful. I’m saying all of this now because I know as the wedding approaches, I’m going to be under stress and honestly, I don’t want to fight with you about it or avoid you because the things you say make me feel bad. So if I need help, I will ask, but until I do, I would really appreciate it if you kept that kind of commentary to yourself."
Happily enough it worked and she’s been really good about it since, so I highly advocate talking to your mom and laying it out on the line for her.
Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Post # 11
Member
35 posts
Newbee

it seems your mom is well aware how sensitive you are about your weight.  i think she has your best interests in mind, as her email wasn’t mean or snarky at all.  and not only that, she’s starting an exercise routine and is watching her diet as well – not only is she kindly suggesting you try to lose some weight, she’s practicing what she preaches!  i think you should take her email as a positive thing and seriously consider exercising together.  you’d be surprised at what a positive influence it has on your relationship.

good luck to you! 😀

Post # 12
Member
87 posts
Worker bee

I think Hummingbird’s email to her mom is what you need to do.  It sounds like subtlety won’t work to get her to stop. Be kind, respectful, very firm and don’t back down.  I’m sure your mom thinks she’s doing what’s best for you, but she’s wrong.  Kindly tell her that you feel uncomfortable/bad about yourself/whatever you feel when she makes comments about your weight, and please don’t do it.  And if she keeps making the comments, excuse yourself from the conversation if you’re on the phone, change the subject in person and leave if you need to, and just don’t respond to emails where she brings it up.

Post # 13
Member
37 posts
Newbee

I agree – the email did not seem malicious at all. It sounded like she put in a lot of tact to try not to be offensive – especially with the, "i’m going to start, why don’t you join me?" tone.

She is your mother – she’ll love you no matter what. But she is your mother – she’ll nag you no matter what!

Have you heard of the, "when you do this, you make me feel this" type statements? Those tend to work very well.  Talk to her and use that format – "I know you have good intentions, but when you ask me about my weight and diet plans, it makes me feel _____".

In terms of "part of the job description", I think its a yes/no. Most likely she’s expressing concerns to protect you (or she thinks). And that part is a mother/parent’s duty.

It could be worse, really, she could just be straightforward and blunt about it. I have one relative that refuses to show up to family events because she would end up in tears after being ridiculed for her weight.( Like, "its gross, you should do something about it".)  

Post # 14
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I can relate.

I grew up battling a weight problem, and my mother was never too far away to remind me of it. It wasn’t just her. It was my whole family, always suggestive in their ways.

And it’s hard. I used to tell my mom that "I have a mirror. I know what I look like. I don’t need anyone else to remind me." Some people just don’t understand what heavy people go through. We know it’s a battle. And while we may want to do everything we can to remedy it, it isn’t always easy to get started.

But on the same token, if your mother can’t be the one to talk about  health issues with, who can? She’s the only one who has known you your whole life. Of course she is concerned.

Just don’t let her concerns get in the way of your beautiful day. It is, after all, a day to celebrate the love you share with your Fiance. It should suit you. And all you have to do that day is be yourself.

Post # 15
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee

If you are asking what I would do, I would be really touched by the effort she took to not hurt my feelings and she obviously put a lot of thought and tact in this email.  If you could meet my mom, whom I love but who straight up told me that we were getting my wedding dress a size smaller than I currently wear maybe you would realize how lucky you are to have such a sweet and caring mom. 

I agree that it is in her job description to worry about your health, and although I totally get that it’s an extra reminder when you didn’t need one maybe you should take her up on her offer and join Weight Watchers or Curves or the local gym together. 

Post # 16
Member
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

It doesn’t matter what size you are – moms will be our harshest critics. I recently lost 20 pounds and my mom told me that manufacturers must have changed their sizing, that’s why I can wear a smaller size now. She also LOVES to remind me that she weighed 114 pounds at her wedding. I know that’s what she thinks I should weigh, even though if I weighed that much I would pretty much be a skeleton as I’m 5′-7"!

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