- 6 years ago
- Wedding: December 2017
Regular poster going anon here due to family and my whining.
So, we’ve been engaged for over a year now. The wedding is approaching and, technically, I still don’t have “my” engagement ring.
When my Fiance proposed, he proposed with an heirloom ring, which, in truth, I was not very excited about as, though beautiful, it was really far from my style. It was a giant, giant gemstone ring in a gold setting. He said, even before I reacted to it:
“We can change it, we can change the setting, we can do whatever you want to it. We don’t even have to use this ring if you decide not to. I just want you to have exactly what you want.“
I thought–cool! Thats awesome. And even though I had sent him very specific pictures of what I liked, it is an awful lot to put on someone–picking out a piece of jewelry that you’ll wear forever that fits your exact tastes. So I was looking forward to shopping with him. And I happily wore it for months.
I love the gemstone, it is just really large. I’m not super girly, and some of the rings that were in my taste that I showed him were very earthy, if not almost masculine. My ring is the most princessey thing I can imagine. Legit. I would have loved to recut it and reset it, but the relative who very generously gifted us the ring asked that we didn’t cut it, and of course I wanted to respect her wishes.
So we reset it in a beautiful white gold band. And I tried to be happy with it, but it didn’t work. For one, I can’t wear it while at work (i seriously already put a crack in the side of the stone from hitting it off of things.) It gets caught on stuff all the time, its too big to be comfortable sleeping with it on, too big to wear a wedding band with it etc, etc. It truly is a gorgeous ring, I get compliments on it all the time (when people ask or guess that its an engagement ring–you cant really tell.) and sometimes I like it. But most of the time I look at it and I feel an urge to roll my eyes at the whole situation. So I decided that I wanted something else and my Fiance agreed that we would start looking.
Starting about 4 months after the proposal, I started talking to my Fiance about getting the new ring. He agreed, saying he would start looking into it. He didn’t do a thing.
…and then we would have a conversation about the ring every 1-2 months since that point. And tiny incremental steps were made: he’d google things, save favorite images. I told him about a local custom desiger. The biggest step he made was making an inquiry through their website. They said, totally, come on in and we’ll discuss options! He didn’t, of course. That was months ago. I’ve said “we’re engaged now. This doesn’t have to be a surprise sweetie. Lets take a day and go together.” Doesn’t happen.
The conversations changed from simple inquiries, to frustration, to me feeling extremely hurt that he had not done anything about it. Approaching the 1-year engaged mark, the conversations about the ring increased in frequency and now happen every 1-2 weeks. They are awful. I don’t ever intend on bringing up these converations. Honestly, at this point I have tried to forget about it and move on, but my anger/sadness at the situation always bubbles to the surface when I least expect it and I can’t help bringing it up.
I feel so hurt by this. I don’t understand why he seems unwilling to make this a priority. Its not about money, as what I want would be very inexpensive and he has plenty, its about effort. He hasn’t put any in. Combine this with my issues with the proposal (whollllle other post), his lack of interest in the wedding planning process, his seeming lack of interest in putting in effort to plan our future together, and it all manifests in this damn ring. A ring which I’ve gone from not liking for not being in my taste, to having moments where I have to take it off my hand and put it in another room because I get so angry at the sight of it. It’s not even about the damn ring anymore.
My Fiance used to treat me amazingly, (not that he doesnt in every other respect now) doing really romantic things for me all the time. And I would do the same. And this…ring. God. The one thing every guy knows to do well, and my super romantic fiance has me literally begging for it like a crazy person.
I’ve communicated all of this to him, how its more than about the ring now. How it makes me feel like I’m not a priorority to him, how it makes me wonder if he really wants to marry me, how I wonder if I’ll always have to be the only making the effort in our relationship. So many times. Tears pouring down my face. And he sits there, looking very sympathetic and dejected and apologizes and says he doesn’t know why he hasn’t done anything, and that he really does love me and of course he wants to marry me, and he’ll start doing it now, he promises. I’ve heard this about 10 times now. I don’t know what to do at this point, but this issue has really made our entire engagement and wedding planning process pretty gloomy.
I know I could just make an appointment and say :”hey, we’re going to the jeweler to talk about the ring,” but thats the one thing I will not do. I want him to make the effort here, to show me that it matters that I’m hurt by this. Our entire relationship, which is coming up on a decade now, I’ve been the one to take the initiative and I’m sick of it. I research apartments, where to move, colleges for him, etc, etc, etc. I won’t do it anymore. I don’t feel like I truly have a partner, I feel like the burden of our relationship is on me alone. And then I feel fully at fault if he is unhappy with any of the decisions I’ve made for us. Its way, way too much for one person.
I’m sorry this is so rambly. I think you can see how many emotions I’ve put into this one little piece of jewelry! The ring started out being something I just wasn’t thrilled about and its become the symbolic representation of everything thats wrong with our relationship.
So…yeah. Thats what is going on here.