Post # 1
We are newly married and I feel as though he has been spending more and more time with his friends. A new group of entry levels just started at his work and they hang out a lot more than the group that he used to hang out with so I think that is why his habits are changed
This is what our typical week looks like:
-Wednesday: DH will typically go over to one of their apartments to hang out at the pool
-Thursday: DH goes to happy hour (I will occasionally join)
-Friday: I go to dinner with DH and friends and they go out to bar (I occasionally join)
-Saturday: We play tennis/volleyball/mini golf with DH’s friends and they go out to bar (I usually don’t go)
-Sunday: We clean and grocery shop. At night DH will play video games with friends.
I’m just so frustrated because he spends a ton of time with his friends. Monday and Tuesday it is usually just the two of us but the rest of the week it seems like he sees them more than me.
I’m someone who enjoys spending time alone at home (crafting or working out) and I have a few friends (they all work a different shift) who I occasionally see so I’m all for personal time and spending time apart but I think he just goes too far.
I’m not sure if I’m controlling (he says I am) but I try really really hard to express how I’m feeling without being controlling. He will make plans with me and promise that we will hang out and then realize that he forgot he made plans with someone else.
He says it’s not fair that I don’t like that he spends so much time with them because he always invites me to come along. This is true and sometimes I do take him up on it. I just feel strange going with them too often because they are all single males and I’m typically the only female. He thinks if I don’t want to go he should still go since he invited me and it’s “on me” that I don’t want to go.
Am I being controlling? Is it ridiculous that I only want him to spend one night alone and then a night (maybe two) together with us and his friends (he doesn’t like hanging out with my friends because “he doesn’t know them”)? I don’t want to set a strict schedule like “oh we saw them thursday so we can’t see them saturday” but I would really love to set more limits.
I feel as though he would rather spend more time with them (he told me he enjoys talking to them more) than with me. I try to suggest activities that I think he would like but if his friends aren’t going with us he doesn’t want to do it. I just feel like I’m doing something wrong.
Post # 3
@MrsBeck: just because he’s inviting you along doesn’t mean it’s acceptable to be seeing his friends four or five times a week. That seems excessive to me, and really, who has the time for that? Between work, errands and wanting what little free time we have alone together, FI and I do friend nights maybe two or three times a month. I think you need to explain to your husband that it’s fine if he wants to see his friends, but you would like X amount of time per week alone with just the two of you.
Post # 4
@MrsBeck: His habits didn’t have to change just because some folks at work changed theirs. He always has the option to say no and I really don’t feel that a wife wanting quality time with her husband is being controling. Friends should never be the priority over your family – that is completely nonsensical. He may invite you to go, but that doesn’t mean you should have to step outside of what you want to do in order to spend time with him. Spending time with a group of people doing an activity you aren’t interested in is not quality time with your husband.
My opinion? He’s being selfish and trying to blame you by labeling you as controlling.
Post # 5
@TattedNYBride: +1. We have a hard enough time finding an available slot for friends a couple of times a month (and there are months we don’t see them). It just isn’t a priority for us and our time alone together always is (followed by time with family).
Post # 6
@TattedNYBride: I think 4-5 times is excessive as well. It hasn’t always been like this. I’m really used to spending 5-6 days a week with him but now he has this huge group of friends who is always doing something and he just wants to do it all with them.
What do you think about weekend nights? Those are the nights that he gets really weird about. I’ve tried to have this talk with him but he tells me that I need to stop comparing myself to his friends. I guess I am comparing myself a bit. It’s hard not too when he wants to spend so much more time with them than with me.
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Is this what his schedule was like before you got married or is this a recent change in behavior? If this is the same behavior he had before the wedding, you had some warning. If it’s new behavior then maybe he is trying to show his friends that getting married to you isn’t going to change him or his friendships with them.
If it’s new behavior then you need to sit down together and discuss what is considered reasonable and what isn’t as far as how often he can expect to go out with his friends each week. He may think that since you have the rest of your lives together that he has plenty of time to spend with you in the years to come.
I read How to Stay Lovers for Life and Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. they really helped me learn how to start discussions with men without automatically putting them on the defensive. Instead of whining about him not spending time with you, ask him directly to spend more time with you doing X on Y day.
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
@beachbride1216: Good advice
my FI never really hangs out with his friends as they are 40 mins away. when he sees them, I’m usually there with the wives and girlfriends and we all have a lot of fun. I cannot IMAGINE him hanging out with his friends so often. That would get me down too. How old is your hubby?
Post # 9
@MrsBeck: you’re his wife. There is no comparison. And I think definitely on weekends, one hang out time is enough. For instance, on Friday night if FI wants to meet up with his guy friends after work to go out, that’s fine, but the rest of the weekend until Monday we would be alone together. Weekends are precious, and for you two I think they should be, especially if he is spending so much time with them on weeknights.
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California
Has your husband always been like this? I ask because your husband sounds just like my dad! I really want to point out that this does not make your husband a bad person. I have a really awesome dad & he has some really awesome friends that we have all had the opportunity to get close to. You sound a lot like my mom some days, but she has put up with this 25+ years & has learned to take my dad up on his invitations, befriend his friends/their wives, & has overall accepted this behavior. It’s hard though & I can totally see where you’re coming from, but if you don’t set boundaries now, I can see resentmemt being an issue. See a counselor & see how he/she thinks you should approach this issue without seeming controlling & to maybe better help with your feelings regarding your soci al butterly of a husband ;]
Post # 11
@MrsBeck: To break this down:
He wants to spend 5X the amount of time with his friends than he does with you. He doesn’t think that is a problem because you are invited to come hang out with a bunch of single guys you don’t know at any time. Essentially, most of the time you spend with him has to bend around his time with his friends.
He does not want to hang out with your friends, because he doesn’t know them, even though he acts like it is your own fault not wanting to spend time with his friends for the exact same reason. This means he KNOWS that type of hangout session is uncomfortable, which means he knows you will not want to come hang out with his friends. I think he invites you, knowing and hoping that most of the time you will say no, and yet he has washed his hands of any guilt because he invited you, so it is now “on you” that you aren’t spending time together.
So sum up, what it looks like is that your husband would much rather spend time with them than with you. Rather than them having to work around his wife, his wife has to work around them, and get the leftover dreggs of his time. I bet if the guys started a bowling night on your one day together, he’d go with them as well.
I think he is enjoying hanging out with them because it makes him feel like a bachelor again. It sounds like he is having some sort of commitment issue, maybe is afraid of getting older and boring, and they remind him of his youth and wild years. He doesn’t want you to interfere, but he also doesn’t want you to pick up on this, so he invites you, knowing you won’t come, and then claims you are controlling to even further keep you from interfereing. He sounds selfish, he should be putting you first.
You need to have a looong talk with him about priorities, why he is doing this, and what’s happening in his head.
Post # 12
@arabbel: This is how I feel when reading what the OP said as well, as sad as it is. Of course, I don’t know you, OP, or your husband, so it’s not like this is 100% what’s happening, but from my vague outsider perspective, this is how it appears.
You have to talk to him and explain that you’re supposed to be first in his life, and he needs to prioritize his outings that way.
Post # 13
@MrsBeck: Since this seems to be new behavior, I have a few other questions:
1) How old are you? If you are a younger married couple, he may feel that he is “missing out”. This does not make his behavior okay but it may explain why he has started to act this way.
2)Did you live together before you were married? This also may be apart of his behavior. If you didn’t live together beforehand then a routine wasn’t established and he may feel that he can do as he wishes.
I very truly hope that the PPs @arabbel: and @bowsergirl: are not correct but if they are, I’m sure talking with him about expectations for married life and maybe even consulting an expert or couple in your lives whose marriage you’d like to emulate would be helpful.
Post # 14
I don’t have advice for you, but from the picture you have painted, no, you are not being controlling at all. I would have a very hard time with this.
Post # 15
No advice, I’m in a similar boat. My husband coaches an amateur football team and is gone until midnight on Tuesdays/Thursdays and all day Saturdays (noon to midnight) for games. He also bowls on Friday nights and gets home around 11pm. That means besides sleeping in the same bed and getting ready for work, we see each other on Monday nights, Wednesday nights and Sundays (when he often wants to go hang out with his friends, sometimes I join).
It is hard and the source of the majority of our conflict– he tells me I am controlling if I ask him to miss something or come home early. I have not yet found a solution to this problem but share your misery.
Post # 16
@MrsBeck: He’s a married man now. DH needs to politely refuse some of their requests. 1 night out, maybe 2, is ok. 5 nights a week out with work friends, that’s freaking weird.
Tell him to go on any web site (doesn’t need to be this one) and ask if it’s appropriate for a newly married man to be going out with work colleagues 5 times a week.