I keep one pet and ex wants to take the other following break up?

posted 2 months ago in Pets
Post # 331
Member
243 posts
Helper bee

mel76 :  Yeah that’s the thing. He was having a full blown relationship with this ex friend for more than a year while he was with OP and he’s now moving in with her, and thus the comments assuming that’s a serious relationship seem accurate. People here want karma to kick in and for the two of them to get their due, but life rarely works like that.

And with them living together, I can’t think of anything worse than OP having to keep contact with them following the house sale.

I completely understand why OP is struggling to decide what to do and I hope ultimately she gives the ex both dogs because she is feeling concerned, guilty and upset just at the idea of splitting the dogs up. You don’t want to live with that feeling in the long term.

Moreover, even if your ex supported joint custody, it would be hard but with his lack of interest in the arrangement, this is looking more like a futile delay of the inevitable. 

Instead of delaying and buying time, it’s time to rip off the bandaid once and for all. 

Post # 333
Member
268 posts
Helper bee

camelliasinensis14 :  Well it’s sensible that you aren’t pursuing the legal route. Too expensive, long with little reward if you don’t have much proof as you said.

He might or might not be as agreeable after the house sale and if you want to take one dog, have him initiate the legal ownership transfer asap.

Post # 334
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

camelliasinensis14 :  I’m glad that you have come to realize you’d be wasting time and money going after him in court to get the dogs. I know you’re desperate but he has a stronger case from what you describe. 

I hope you soon realize that it’s best to let him have the dogs if you don’t want to split them. Maybe your ‘trial’ joint custody will make you realize this.

Post # 335
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Work is slow, so I skimmed through this thread to catch myself up.

My aunt went through this situation with her ex-husband of hers. He relocated to a job and they tried long distance, come to find out he cheated on her and they got divorced. They both had two dogs they adopted together, very much bonded together. My aunt was beyond firm that the dogs would stay with her. Like, it was a non-negotiable term in their divorce, she kept the dogs. She compromised on a lot so just so she could keep the dogs and she told me (I lived with her in college so we were close) that HE was the one who fucked up their relationship so why should he get the dogs? No doubt he loved the dogs but it was clear she would look out for their best interest for the rest of their lives with her. Point I’m trying to make OP, is that in your situation I would say hell no, you cheated on me, I get the dogs. Granted my aunt’s relationship was not as amicable as your situation seems with your ex. However, I do have a bit BUT…

 

I’m sure I’m going to catch a lot of shit for this unpopular thought (I also LOVE dogs too) BUT, these are DOGS we are talking about. Dogs! And you’re talking about getting a lawyer and doing “joint custody” crap for two DOGS? Your ex has put you through a lot by cheating on you, whether or not you’ve come to terms with that or not yet, why do you want to keep dealing with him? As I read through this thread I kept thinking… all of this over two dogs? If I were you, I wouldn’t want ANYTHING to do with my cheating ex and I would say eff it, let him keep the two dogs and say good riddance. I get that it would be so, so incredibly difficult to say goodbye to them, but you need to move on. If you kept one dog or even both, you would be reminded everyday that those were dogs you had with your cheating ex and you don’t need to be reminded of that. You are dragging this out so much over some DOGS. Regardless of what your ex did to you, it sounds like he is fully capable of providing the dogs a great life together and truly cares about them, so save your time, money and thinking and just let him keep them.

 

Before I get yelled at for my thoughts, I get how hard it would be to make a choice like that, I couldn’t imagine being in the middle of it and I love dogs. But that’s just the point… they are dogs is it worth all this crap to figure out joint custody or splitting them up? Be the bigger person, wipe your hands of your ex and let him keep the dogs (who are rightfully his actually). Go get yourself a puppy that is YOUR dog to help you get through this period in your life. I’m sure you’ll always remember the dogs you had with this guy and miss them dearly, but let it be a memory. I couldn’t stand owning or seeing dogs that I had with my ex, I would want to focus on finding my own happiness with my own dog.   

ETA: You aren’t even MARRIED to this guy and I can tell you that you’re going through more troubles than my married aunt did during her divorce. Geesh. 

Post # 336
Member
268 posts
Helper bee

kmbumbee190618 :  It’s more common than you think. People go to extreme lengths for pets, even if it involves going to court! I suppose it all comes to town to treating dogs like one’s kids.

Unfortunately in OP’s case, there is very little evidence to fight a court case with. I think she is not particularly firm with her ex partner because she still loves him, which obviously works against her. But she can’t just say she’s keeping them and he can get lost like your aunt because legally he owns the dogs. 

The best outcome is getting one dog by having legal ownership transferred to her.

 

Post # 337
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

tobeeeornottobeee :  Totally get it. I do understand it is SUPER common to do this. I guess just for me personally, I wouldn’t go through what OP is doing for the sake of their dogs. 

I’ve had to make some pretty tough decisions with our dog (ours wasn’t “rehoming” but decisions regarding her health) and I get it, the thought of not having your dog you’ve bonded with under any circumstances is hard.

Call me heartless, but there has to be that line of thinking that this is just a DOG and sometimes the fight isn’t worth it for yourself or the pet. While its shitty OPs ex cheated on her and yeah damn right, she should keep the dogs, I also think she should be as strong as possible and move on and let him have the dogs. Be done with the whole break-up period, get her own dog and start fresh. 

This is also why I’m a firm believer in not getting pets with someone you aren’t married to.. but again, personal opinion and probably unpopular opinion.  

Post # 338
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

kmbumbee190618 :   This “just a dog” phrase you keep using is precisely why so many dogs are killed in shelters every year.  That is the rationale so many use when abandoning their pets in shelter.  Just a dog…..  Well dogs are family and it is clear that the dogs mean a lot more to her that cutting ties with her ex, or how it might hamper her future ability to date as others have suggested.  These are living beings for gods sake.

Post # 339
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

camelliasinensis14 :  If you’ve come to the conclusion that you don’t have a case based on the papers, then fair enough.

I hope you find a place soon because that will give you the opportunity to test out joint custody in a real sense. It’s good that your ex will have a house soon because that’s good for your dogs. I do have to say that your ex is being foolish jumping from owning a house with you to owning one with her despite the difficulties being entangled with someone legally caused. Some people don’t know how to take things slow I guess.

Are you going to move to temporary accommodation if you don’t have a new place by the time you complete the house sale? Does he take the dogs if that happens until you find something?

Post # 340
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

violet90 :  I was waiting for a response like this. I’m not really sure how the shelter comment is relevant, because it doesn’t sound like OPs dogs will end up in a shelter regardless. There are some people who have the “its just a dog, I’ll dump it” mindset but that isn’t at all where I’m coming from, AT ALL. 

I get how hard of a situation this is and dogs are family members, I think of my dog as my child as well. When I say its just a dog, I understand it is a living being, companion animal, but it shouldn’t be this complicated to figure out what is best for the dog and the humans. In this situation it seems pretty obvious the best choice would be to let him keep the dogs and OP can start fresh with her own puppy. She is more than allowed to be sad/upset/angry and miss the dogs she shared with her ex, but after what he has done to her why would you want to continue facing those bittersweet and maybe even horrible memories for the sake of a dog? 

Post # 344
Member
243 posts
Helper bee

camelliasinensis14 :  I agree with the person above that you need to cut contact with him asap. It’s not only about bad memories either. Reading your most recent post shows you are almost pining for your old life with your ex, making yourself vulnerable. I just hope that he doesn’t try to screw you over in the sale of your house somehow. 

Post # 345
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

kmbumbee190618 :   People have to face bittersweet and horrible memories all the time for the sake of their children after divorce.  She clearly views her dogs as family and wants them in her life.  It is her choice.  Frankly I would much rather have to face my ex than never see my dogs again.  I could never live with that, it would tear me apart.  And the shelter comment is very relevant.  The “just a dog” mentality is why it is so easy for some people to dump their dogs when life changes, thinking its just a dog….  While these dogs are clearly not at risk of being dumped, I was referring to your repeated comments about “just dogs”….  and the life ending consequences to hundreds of thousands of dogs annually because of this mentality.

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