Post # 17
If he doesn’t believe he’s a jerk when he drinks, set him up- with full discloser. Tell him you want to record him drinking to show him what bothers you, set up a recording device at home, and get him drunk. Obviously he’d have to agree to do this.
With ym fiance, he’d think this was hillarious and go along with it, but if it isn’t something your fi would be comfortable with, I’m not sure what else to do. 🙁
Post # 18
I think i’ll just secretly film him. I think if he knows whats happening he will try to be on good behaviour…
Post # 19
Adult children of alcoholics have a 50% chance of being an alcoholic or marrying an alcohoclic – unless they do some serious personal work to break the cycle.
Your Fiance sounds like he’s repeating the cycle to an extent. I think this is a very serious issue (my father was and alcoholic and so where both of my grandfathers). This is predisposing your Fiance to a lifetime of issues if left uncovered.
Until he agrees that he sees a pattern and does some real therapy work about it, you will ALWAYS have this issue going on in your marriage. In fact, it could even get worse.
Limiting him to just beer is not a plan at all.
Now you can try taping him and hodling the mirror to his face and see if that does any long term change, but my guess is that will only lead to short term change.
Here are some books for you to look into. You may not think you have a full blown alcoholic on your hands, but you should at least understand what it means to be an adult child of an alcoholic:
Loving an Adult Child of an Alcoholic by Douglas Bey and Deborah Bey
Struggle for Intimacy (Adult Children of Alcoholics series) by Janet Geringer Woititz
Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet G. Woititz
Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Herbert L. Gravitz
Lifeskills for Adult Children by Ed.D. Janet G. Woititz and M.A. Alan Garner
and should things progress more inyour marriage here is another book
Marriage On The Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic by Janet Geringer Woititz
Post # 20
So sorry hun – this situation sucks. I also hate my Fiance when he drinks. Thankfully we don’t drink often. He just gets soooo annoying! Not mean or withdrawn, just annoying! I don’t drink much even when we do, so I’m not sure if it’s because I’m sober that I get annoyed or because he’s just that annoying!
I also have had little luck talking to him about it, but I have set the record straight about what is an acceptable level of drinking at our wedding and what is not.
Hoping some other Bees have some good advice for you that I can heed, too!
Post # 21
“My concern right now is that our wedding is going to be open bar. I am worried that if he starts drinking liquor he is going to be out of control and I really don’t want to fight with him on our wedding day!”
What about every other day after the wedding? I think you’re being too narrowed in on the issue here. Look at the bigger picture.
Post # 22
Alcohol is a known depressant, particularly for certain types of people. Some people just shouldn’t drink. These days research is discovering the link between alcohol and dementia. Alcohol shrinks the brain. If you saw a brain scan of a drinker and a non drinker there would be a significant difference in the size of the brain.
Post # 23
As you say, if he is the “most sweetest and generous” person, if you talk with him about it he should take your feelings into consideration and change his behaviour accordingly.
Post # 24
I have a different perspective. When he gets drunk my Fiance is unbelievably sweet. He is protective, affectionate and (no lie) sometimes just stares at me.
I on the other hand am horrible. Twice in the past month we have been in situations where I have gotten drunk and acted like your Fiance. I know people say that when you are drunk your true feelings come out…I think that is total BS. I think your true emotions come out. Right now I am super angry/frustrated and 100% stressed over non-FI or wedding related issues. So when I drink my anger comes out…and Fi happens to be there.
Twice recently I have been mean…I also don’t remember things when I drink. Anyway, I hurt him. Like really hurt him. I didn’t name call or disrespect him but I picked a fight and (he says) basically said I have no problem leaving him. When he told me this the next day my heart broke. So now I am not drinking and figuring out an outlet for my stress. Are you sure there aren’t some underlying issue’s he might not be able to communicate? My mom always says that when people are stressed they take it out on the one’s they are the closest to. Just food for thought :-).
Post # 25
You can get stupid wasted on beer too….
My husband likes his beer, especially Guinness. I may have a few drinks, but pretty much can honestly say I’ve never been drunk or had to suffer the after effects.
In the three years since we’ve met, there have only been three occaisions where I’ve taken the keys, and let him know I was NOT happy with his behavior.
He joked about having to only having to crawl up the stairs to our room after the party.
I told him if he drank so much he needed to crawl, I would crawl over to our attorneys office and undo what we just did. And that was a promise, not a threat.
He had his beer, but was able to walk upstairs….
Post # 26
@bretonvirgniia: I had the same problem, only my Fiance becomes an egocentric, self centered person. I hate that he used to start arguments for the same reasons yours did thought I was flirting with every1 (which pissed me off)..
I told him how I felt and at the beginning he used to get mad, but after a little while he started to notice it was true, so he started lowing down the amount of alcohol and eventually things changed for good 🙂
You should try telling him, but not in a mean way.. Keep in mind he might get mad (cause true hurts) but its for the good of both of you..
Post # 27
I don’t want to be “that” person but.. I can’t help it. I’m a jerk.
Fiancee is a female. In French, the extra “e” is feminine .
Post # 28
I would suggest talking to him especially before the wedding. I feel like the guest of honor is supposed to be sober/aware of what’s going on.
But you DO need to have a talk. This makes you incredibly uncomfortable, and he needs to realize this.
Post # 29
I’d record him acting like an asshole and show it to him when he’s sober.
He may not be addicted to alcohol but his drinking is problematic and he needs to see that/get it under control.
Post # 30
That’s a good idea! Because if you say “You act like ____” he can always counter with “Oh you’re overreacting” or “You’re overexaggerating.”
Post # 31
Are you opposed to drinking? Try having a drink with him. That way you can see if it’s just you being sober or if it’s him really being a jerk.
You have to talk to him about it before the wedding- don’t wait out the issue. The next time he’s particularly rude during a night out or something, use the issue not to get mad at him but to calmly explain what it is about when he drinks that gets under your skin. As someone who you call the “sweetest and most generous” person, he should understand where you’re coming from. If it helps, contextualize: remind him of the alcoholism in your family, and tell him that you don’t THINK it’ll get to that point with him, but that it makes you nervous when he changes how he acts.