(Closed) I know etiquette will tell me I'm wrong but…

posted 4 years ago in Guests
Post # 31
2412 posts
Buzzing bee

I have been an observing party to two abusing relationships, and much to my embarrassment I caved in the face of both. 

The horrific one ultimately resulted in a suicide, and I regret to this day, years later, that I didn’t take a stand in support of the victim. 

It is horribly awkward and uncomfortable to be in a situation like this, but then there’s the risk of the appearance of enabling the abuse to continue.

Stick to your guns. 

Post # 32
520 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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Rhopalocera :  I agree. Tough love might work. 

Post # 33
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

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underblueskies1016 :  Tell her that you would like to address the invitation to her guest directly on the invitation so ask you she is bringing. Then you can address it to (for example) Ms. Susan Jones and Mr. John Smith. It kind of puts the pressure on her to not have that guy as her plus one, but that way you are still holding up your promise to give her a plus one. 

Post # 34
700 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Wow, your friend sounds terrible. 

“You have no say who my plus one is”


um, yes, you guys most definitely have a say. To me, sounds like she’s bringing him no matter what. I would disinvite her, that behavior for either of them is ridiculous and she needs to know so long as she continues to be with him, your friendship cannot happen. He sounds violent and unpredictable and I would not allow home near my dearest family and friends. Ever. 

Post # 35
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I agree with all PP’s that you can absolutely breach the rules here and uninvite him given the circumstances.  Based on your friends comment about ‘you have no say’, would frankly make me not give her a +1 at all.

To be honest though- the wedding isn’t the issue here.  It’s that a good friend of yours is getting back with her ABUSER.  Instead of talking to her about how you don’t want him at the wedding have you talked to her about her contact/relationshipo with him?  I know it’s not easy for the abused to walk away and it’s a terrible cycle to get caught in but I would think trying to get her out of the relationship should be the priority right now.  Her safety is at risk.

Post # 36
575 posts
Busy bee

Can he be in a place that serves alcohol given his record? Not sure where you live, but sometimes people are not allowed to be in an establishment that serves alcohol if they have one or more DUI charges. 

That’s a good enough excuse, not that you need one. 

Post # 37
13994 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Also, an STD is not an invitation, it’s merely a heads up that an invitation will be forthcoming. Traditional etiquette does not even recognize STDs, but obviously it’s poor form under normal circumstances not to follow through. The only major consequence of a move like that is damage to the relationship, which has already happened as a result of her choices. 

So you haven’t invited him yet and as I’ve already said I absolutely wouldn’t. If your friend has become so rude under his influence to say she is entitled to bring anyone she wants, I wouldn’t invite her either. 

If it comes to that tell her you will always be there for her when and if she decides to get out of this dysfunctional relationship. 

Post # 38
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

Etiquette is only a set of guidelines for treating your guests. Nowhere in etiquette rules does it say, that you have to host people you are afraid of, or are disgusted by.

Invitations can be rescinded for good reason, and save the dates don’t carry the same weight as an invitation. Stuff can happen, between an invitation and the event, that reasonably calls for a move that is uncomfortable to make. But necessary.

That the girl says things like, you have no say in who her plus 1 is, is ludicrous. 

Post # 39
234 posts
Helper bee

I would just invite her individually. The invitation should say “Miss Jane Doe”. No And-guest, no boyfriend, no plus-one. That will ensure she comes alone. If she has a problem with it, say you had to make some necessary cuts to the budget.

Post # 40
2610 posts
Sugar bee

F*CK etiquette. I feel like if anything takes ettiquette off the table it’s abuse and endangering the lives of others. I would send the invitation without a plus one. If she’s involved with this guy, she’s clearly not going to have some other guy to bring when the wedding rolls around anyway, and she would likely bring him. In fact it seems to me like she has already decided to bring him. Her saying “you have no say in who my plus one is.” is also kind of rude and bizarre given the circumstances. 

Tell her that you love her, and care for her and want her at the wedding, but that BECAUSE you love and care for her, you can’t condone or support that relationship. Tell her that you’ll always support her no matter what, but that you can’t support that relationship and it breaks your heart to see her hurt like that. You don’t want your heart broken at your wedding.. 

This has some really good tips on how to help a friend in an abusive relationship:https://www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/get-help-for-violence/how-to-help-a-friend-who-is-being-abused.html These bits are particularly relevant

  • Don’t place shame, blame, or guilt on your friend. Don’t say, “You just need to leave.” Instead, say something like, “I get scared thinking about what might happen to you.” Tell her you understand that her situation is very difficult.
  • If your friend decides to stay, continue to be supportive. Your friend may decide to stay in the relationship, or she may leave and then go back many times. It may be hard for you to understand, but people stay in abusive relationships for many reasons. Be supportive, no matter what your friend decides to do.

She’s more likely to withdraw from you than him if she is deep in the relationship, and you don’t want her to feel like he is the only person that will stick around with her. 

Post # 41
8 posts

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underblueskies1016 :  If beating your friend and being a danger to others isn’t enough of a reason to uninvite people, then I don’t know what are. 

Personally, I would have no patience for this type of behavior from my friend and would be having a blunt and firm conversation with her. Explain that you love her and you very much want her to be at the wedding, but this girlfriend beater is not invited. Ask to approve her plus one prior to signing off and explain that should she choose to invite the (not-so) ex, they will both be asked to leave the wedding. 

Based off of her “You know no say who my plus one is” comment, I’d probably nix her plus one all together. Your offer is conditional. She gets a plus one as long as it isn’t him. She agreed, but now it is blatantly apparant that she plans on going back on her promise. Therefore, I’d just address the invitation to her and call it a day. Because, etiquette aside, when you are paying for each guest that attends your wedding, you actually DO have a pretty big say in who attends. 

Post # 42
4106 posts
Honey bee

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underblueskies1016 :  I can see both sides of this. Your friend obviously feels that the decision of who she dates is hers alone to make even though she may be making an unwise (even dangerous) choice. To tell her who she can and cannot bring would seem disrespectful from her point of view. I can understand that you not only disapprove of this guy but dislike him and you certainly shouldn’t have to entertain him or shake his hand on the wedding day.

 I think rescinding the plus one offer is the sensible way forward. That way you communicate to your friend that you value her and want her to be part of this important event but you don’t create an opportunity for the creep to be there. Not inviting her at all sends the message that you really don’t care for her and that your freindship is based on her doing as YOU decide is best. It’s saying ” I reject you totally for choosing someone I disapprove of”. That’s likely to isolate her and drive her into the arms of the now-charming abuser.

I hope that sometime before your wedding day she wises up and moves on from this guy.  The more moral support you provide the more likely she is to be able to make that break.

Post # 43
3416 posts
Sugar bee

You don’t have to follow etiquette – you just have to accept the consequences. I disinvited a friend’s spouse – it was very difficult. My friend and I went through a rough patch but are ok now. Oh, and she is divorced now.

Post # 44
1757 posts
Buzzing bee

Uninvite your friend. This wedding is about you and she is not putting your feelings first, she’s not a good friend and she doesn’t deserve to be there and potentally ruin the day.

I had a best friend just like her- and when she took back that abusive ex and treated me like the enemy for trying to save her, expected me to just support her no matter how her actions affected my life- I unfortunately had to dump her. She wants to be a grown woman making her own stupid decisions then fine, but don’t drag me down with her! I still care about her and stalk her on facebook- it’s been 6yrs and he dumped her but she’s still not making good life choices- when I see effort on her part to re-becoming the good person I know she is, I’ll be on her doorstep happy to be friends again! I hope your friend pulls herself together a lot quicker than mine!

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