(Closed) I know he’s not cheating but this is really weird…….

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Like you, though of course I don’t know for sure, I’m thinking he’s not cheating…if he were I don’t think he’d be so enthusiastic about her around you and freely and easily talking about her with you so frequently.  Most people from what I understand when they’re cheating are more avoidant than that.  (She’s also 40 and he’s 22…while of COURSE the age difference doesn’t always apply when it comes to cheating, I think it does reduce it a little, particularly since it’s the woman who’s older.  By no means am I saying it’s impossible..just statistically speaking.)

As others are saying, there could be other reasons like amount of time spent together, things in common, connection. My question is: how long has this been going on?  This could just be a reaction on his part to getting married.  It could be one of those “mother-son” transferences (read up on transference if you don’t know about it).  He might not even realize he has feelings for someone…

I agree about bringing it up lightly like people are saying.  However if you do feel like he does indeed have feelings for her and want to talk to him…bring it up.  Say how it makes you feel.  Make sure not to attack or “accuse.” 

Post # 33
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Aww, I’ve worked with people like Mary. People who do their job as a matter of necessity and their mind is constantly elsewhere, and thus they’re constantly gabbing about their elsewhere – in her case, her kids.

Your Hubs is just around this woman a lot, so she’s part of his job. If he were a frat boy in college, he would talk just as much about his frat brothers. If he were a CEO wining and dining clients, he would talk about his clients just as much. If he were doing anything illicit, he wouldn’t talk about it as much.

It’s tough feeling jealous, because you can’t just turn that off, but maybe you can gently redirect the subject when Mary comes up, after you’ve talked to your DH about how you’re feeling. Even if you’re just redirecting it to WORK instead of COWORKERS.

Post # 34
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I speak about my best friends (most of them are males) ALL THE TIME, to the point that my FH knows most of what they tell me. I go out for lunch or a snack with them too. I think it’s all right, I’m not doing anything bad.

Post # 35
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I think he just really likes Mary as a person and wants to share his thoughts/feelings with you. Perhaps she reminds him of a relative or teacher that is no longer a part of his life….or maybe he just really thinks she’s a good person. Either way, there is nothing to be jealous of. Would you feel the same way if she was a he? I think sometimes we encounter people who just fascinate us for one reason or another…Maybe, instead of feeling threatened by Mary, try to get to know her too. Maybe go out to dinner with her and her husband or invite them to dinner/BBQ at your house.  It’s possible that you’d really like her too if you got to know her…and since she means so much to Fiance, he may appreciate that too!

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