Post # 1
Okay, so I know I”m being completely selfish so please spare me any mean or rude comments. I just need a place to kind of share my feelings and since I’m at work, this is really the only outlet I have at the moment.
Here’s the deal…. my Fiance proposed in late July after we had been dating for more than 4 years. All along, I’ve really wanted one of my best friends (we’ve been friends since 7th grade) to be one of my bridesmaids. I had mentioned this to her several times and as soon as I got engaged I formally asked her and she accepted. Well, starting in late August, she started mentioning that her and her husband have decided to start trying for a baby. Part of me is really happy for her that she’s at this point in her life etc. However, due to some financial reasons, they’ve decided to wait a few more months and start trying in late December/early January. Here is where the selfish part comes in…. if she gest pregnant then, her baby will be born before in late September or early October which is exactly when my we’re planning my bachlorette party (to coincide with my birthday) and extremely close to my wedding.
Part of me is sad because if this happens she wont be able to enjoy all of the wedding stuff with me and part of me is annoyed. They have been married for 5+ years and could have had babies long before now, or even after now. I kind of just feel like she’s not even considering how it’s going to make me feel or the stresses its going to cause when it comes to dress fitting etc. I realize that she dosent have to consider me and I really shouldnt be the deciding factor in her having children, but it would at least be nice if she would say something about how she knows it might interfere with the wedding and what she plans to do about it if she does get pregnant. I really dont want to bring this up with her because I dont want to look like the horribly selfish friend/bride, but I dont really know what else to do other than sit back and just wait….
Thanks for listening! Like I said, I know I’m being selfish, I just needed to vent a little and share my feelings so I can attempt to concentrate on work!
Post # 3
I don’t think there’s any harm in asking her how it will change things if she does get pregnant – seems like an understandable question
and the other stuff being just venting, then vent, but yeah I think it’s probably safe to assume there might be hard feelings if you try to get them to reschedule baby making, but it does change things in your planning and a bit of dissapointment is understandable as you want your friend at your side during bachlorette time.
Post # 4
Sorry your are frustrated by your friend. But maybe she’s trying now so that she can have the baby in September and be able to wear a dress without being huge for the wedding.
I’m in a friends wedding next month. The groom’s sister just had her baby and she’s coming to the bach party with us next week. She isn’t going to stay all night since she needs to take care of the baby, but at least she’s coming. She also has dropped all of her baby weight and looks better then the rest of us BMs.
So don’t start fretting just yet. And let her worry about making it to parties etc. She knows that she will need to make an effort to come to those things.
Post # 5
Yeah… I dont want them to necessarily change things because of me and I wouldnt ask them to do that. I really just want her to show me that she’s thought about me and my wedding and has a plan for how it will change things if she does get pregnant. I just hope that the manner in which I approach it when I talk to her will show her that I truly am happy for her, but at the same time I need to figure things out wedding wise….
Post # 6
I don’t think there’s any way to bring this up without offending her, frankly. Baby definitely trumps bridesmaid duties for a wedding.
Post # 7
I would wait to talk to her about how her duties/availability might change until she actually IS pregnant. It might take a little longer than they expect or they might postpone it further etc etc. Just give it time, it’s not like you absolutely must get certain things nailed down right away, right? Wait on talking to her about her baby plans until she’s got one in the oven. 🙂
And I agree – baby trumps Bridesmaid or Best Man duties.
Post # 8
There have been so many threads similar to this one. I must be in my own little sheltered world because it would never even occur to me that my wedding should have any impact on someone’s family planning. Well, except my own.
Post # 8
Hmmm. I think you need to take a deep breath and take a step back here, outside of the little wedding world we all create for ourselves in which we think everyone is considering our needs and working around us and our schedules. Starting a family is a huge, life-altering decision, and I think – as you yourself said – that it is selfish to think that a couple would even consider anyone else’s needs or desires when family planning. I’m sure they had their reasons for waiting, and have their reasons for why the time they’ve chosen is the right time for them. I have a Bridesmaid or Best Man who has been married almost 3 years now and I believe that there is a possibility she might be preggers by the time my wedding rolls around – and yeah, I was in “wedding la-la land” when my first thought was HOW THE F**K IS SHE GOING TO FIT INTO HER Bridesmaid or Best Man DRESS?!? And then I took the aforementioned necessary step back into the real world and was like WOW I’m a total ass, and realized that I will be so happy for them if they do get pregnant. You should talk to her about it, but don’t be confrontational. You do need to know ultimately if the pregnancy will affect her ability to be a bridesmaid, and she will definitely understand that fact being married herself, but the last thing you want is to come off like all you care about is your wedding and that the possibility of her being a mommy soon doesn’t matter to you at all – and I’m not saying you feel that way, I’m just saying it could be construed that way if you don’t approach the subject the right way.
Post # 9
My sister got pregnant shortly after her friend asked her to be the Maid/Matron of Honor for her wedding (the bride knew they had been trying). My sister has tried to be a part of everything wedding related, but the bride has been really kinda mean about it and unwilling to compromise on anything (i.e. an 8 month pregnant woman can’t be expected to wear 3 or 4 inch heels or the same form fitting dress as the other BMs). My sister has offered to step down as Maid/Matron of Honor, and the bride says ‘no’, but still brings up how she won’t be able to party with her (she’s going to and planning all the parties, but can’t drink and that bothers the bride)– maybe I need to vent about this (haha)!
My advice is to make sure you all are on the same page as far as what she can/cannot do if she does get pregnant, so no one’s feelings get hurt along the way. It’s your right to have expectations from your bridesmaids, but you also have to decide what is more important to you… having your lifelong friend stand with you on your wedding day and maybe participating in prewedding events in a limited way, or her not being a part of all of that at all. You will have to compromise and make exceptions for her if she gets pregnant, so it’ll be something you’d want to address beforehand before you are in the thick of stressful wedding stuff!
Post # 10
I don’t think you can ask her to change her plans. It sounds like from your post that you understand that.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with talking to her about some of your concerns. It would be alright to ask her about what your (you and your BM) plans will be if she does get pregnant. Are there specific expectations (other then attending your b-rette party) that you are concerned she may not be able to fulfill? I know it would suck to have one of your bridesmaids miss your bachelorette party but you will have other friends to celebrate with you.
Just be careful because if you make a big deal about this it may hurt your friendship in the long run. They may not get pregnant right away which could be a very sensitive issue for her and her husband. It they do get pregnant she could feel like you resent them or even have bad feelings towards their baby.
Post # 12
hmmmm…In my mind I am trying to figure out a way for you to make her not get pregant in Dec/Jan….find out when she is ovulating…then have a “personal crisis” and call her on the phone every night that week and make her come over to your house and console you, so she can’t possibly try to make a baby that week…muahahaha (that is my evil laugh)
But I understand the picturing things to go a certain way, and then know that they want go that way. Two of my dearest friends are living overseas and cannot make it to the wedding, they would’ve been bridesmaids. I wish they could be here and get sad about it sometime, but I am also happy that they are living their lives, you know? it’s life. but we still need to vent sometimes. 🙂
Post # 13
I just want to make it extremely clear to her and to everyone else that I do NOT expect for her or her husband to change their plans because of me and that was never my intention when I started this post. I may be selfish enough to be disappointed or annoyed, but I would never be that horrible of a friend! I realize that a baby trumps being a bridesmaid and I’m not arguing that point AT ALL! I would NEVER ask her to give up having children at this point in time for me or anything remotely close to that. The point that I was trying to make was simply that I’d like her to at least show me that she’s thought about how it might affect things and that she is willing to work with me to figure out how she can still fit into all of the wedding stuff etc. I am not angry, upset with her, or anything similar to those feelings. I’m happy for her and I”m just disappointed on how it may make things a little more difficult when it comes to planning. I”m completely willing to work with her and that is why I dont think it would offend her if I brought it up in a casual manner. I think Kittyachi put it well when she said that I dont want to come across like my wedding is more important and that the possibility of her having a baby is not exciting to me at all…. I would hate to give her that impression because that is the complete opposite of how I feel.
Post # 14
I honestly would wait until she is actually pregnant. It may take several months to a year to become pregnant. Also she probably does not know how the pregnancy will effect her Bridesmaid or Best Man duties. She could have a very rough pregnancy requiring her to be on bed rest or she could be one of those women who have a super easy time. Since she hasn’t been pregnant before, she probably doesn’t know. The less pressure you put on her the better off the friendship and the wedding will be.
Post # 15
Maybe she hasn’t brought it up to you yet because she’s not 100% sure what she and her husband are REALLY going to do? Maybe she’s worried she CAN get pregnant…i mean there could be sooooo many things going on. Next time she brings it up, just gush about how exciting it is, then throw in, “ooo what should we do about your dress?! what if it doesn’t fit? Can we get you a special preggo dress? how cute would that be?!” and spin it like that, then let it divulge into…”ok seriously, do you think you can be a bm?” cuz maybe she’s ‘winging’ it, but maybe she’s afraid to tell you “no” because she knows how hurt it’ll be?