(Closed) I know I”m being selfish but….

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

Fiance and I want kids terribly, but know that there are a few things that we need to figure out (and waiting until *after* the wedding would probably help too. But for me, having a kid totally trumps any kind of MOH/bridesmaid stuff. If I were getting ready for a baby, I would not be thinking about your concerns much at all, not purposefully, but just because I’m preoccupied with all things baby. She might not realize what you are worrying about, since she’s moved from thinking about weddings to thinking about babies. Plus, she’ll be pregnant, not an invalid. She might not think it will impact her role in your wedding much at all, minus the alcohol.

I’d let her know, in a very supportive, loving way, that you are incredibly happy for her, but had a few questions about her role in your wedding. Let her talk about what she thinks she will/wont be able to do. And as someone else said, remember that she might not get pregnant right away, so until she is, you won’t know how big of an issue it will be.

Post # 17
Member
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Girl!  I feel like I could have WRITTEN your post re: timeline.  I’ve been with Fiance for almost 4 years, and my BFF since 5th grade has been married for 5 years and trying for their second kid!  We’ve been talking pregnancy timelines related to my wedding for ages.  

Originally, I was shooting for a May/June 2010 wedding, and she figured she would be due about then.  But, unintentially, she’s been pushing back her pregnancy timeline too.  We ended up with an Oct 2010 wedding date.  They are still talking about trying to get pregnant – which means, the likelihood of her either being pregnant or with a newborn is very likely.

I’m bummed about it, obviously, because I want her to have a crazy good time at the wedding and with related events leading up the fact.  But, the reality is, with a new baby, it just changes life.  I’m sad for her too – because she’s sad to not be able to be 100% present at my wedding.  We both are missing out, but it’s a reality of life and how it changes when kids come into the picture.

I think this is your friend’s first baby – is that right?  If so, she probably hasn’t been proactive in talking to you about it because she doesn’t know how she will react or even what she will need.  I don’t think you should assume she hasn’t thought of you in light of the timing of events, but family planning does seem to be something that trumps most events in other people’s lives.  Because you mention her lack of consideration – I’d suggest bringing up the topic with her – just so you can talk through things.  I think it can be done in a non-defensive way… but there are still so many unknown factors until she gets pregnant.  It might be an easier conversation to have after she does get pregnant, so you know if you are dealing with a 7 month pregnant friend or friend that has a 1 month old and can manage expectations (on both your ends) from that perspective.

And, I don’t think it’s a matter of what occasion trumps what – but how, as friends, you go through LIFE events together.  There’s a give and take to everything.  For me, I know my expectations of her being around come wedding time had to be adjusted – because, the reality is, no matter how much either of us want the other one present and active in wedding related stuff, it’s not possible.  Sometimes timing just stinks!

 

 

Post # 18
Member
14 posts
Newbee

I agree that you need to step back for a minute. Don’t say anything to your friend for now. Give yourself a little time to accept this news. My guess is that if you give it a week or so to sink in, you won’t be so sad or take it as personally.

Post # 19
Member
530 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Trying to see it from her point of view, it’s likely she is probably eager to see signs that you support her 100 percent, in turn, too — you know?

 (To give an illustration: if I were actually pregnant, myself, and my close friend’s wedding was a year away,  I think I might even — at least for a minute — wonder why this close friend hadn’t said anything about possibly changing her wedding date, instead of the other way around. Know what I mean? I changed my own wedding date — twice — to try to accommodate my best friend, and various other peoples’ schedules.)

So…. Is it possible she hasn’t mentioned it because she sense you are slightly ambivalent about her plans?

PS: And, as others have mentioned, it’s not likely they’d start trying in December, conceive right away, and bring the baby to full term exactly at the same time as your wedding. So I wouldn’t worry to much about it in advance, much less be TOO ticked off at her….

 

Post # 20
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I understand why you’re concerned. I personally have been worried about all the children in my family (forget friends!) that people are going to pressure me to invite when I didn’t even want kids at the wedding.

But when my sister (MOH) called to tell me she was pregnant last month and due two months before my wedding, I was honestly slightly annoyed, but really just happy for her. Then when she said she had intentionally timed it so that she would give birth at least two months before my wedding on purpose so she could participate I felt very guilty for being annoyed! The bottom line is there will always be weddings and other events to attend in life, but having kids is a really big deal and the timing in the parents lives needs to be right.

Oh and my other sister had a 5-month pregnant bridesmaid come to her bachelorette party and it was fine. Actually 3 out of 7 ladies that night were pregnant and we still had an amazing time. It’s all about making the best of the situation!

Post # 21
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I know exactly where you’re coming from! My sister (matron of honor) recently let me know that she and her husband are going to try for baby #2 now. My wedding is in July 2010 – so if she gets pregnant NOW she’ll be giving birth to my future neice/nephew right around then! YIKES! When she told me this I was shocked and happy that I’d get another niece/nephew BUT I was a bit sad for selfish reasons. That said – as long as she can stand next to you on your big day that’s all that matters right?

Post # 22
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

having a baby doesn’t mean her life will come to an end! not to mention… just because they’re going to start trying does NOT mean they’ll actually get preggers right away. I have quite a few friends who admit that they’ve been ‘trying’ for months now.

Even if she does get pregnant right away though, you’ll have 9 months to schedule your bach; just do it a few weeks away from her due date and plan to buy her a virgin version of her favorite drink!

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