Post # 1
My dad was fired at his job in December of 2011. He was unemployed until about May, when he found a new job. This one is 100% commission and doesn’t pay as well as his old job. He likes it though, it’s less stressful, the hours are better, and he seems to enjoy it. Great right? Sure.
Except his wife (not my mother..his former mistress and why my parents are divorced. That’s another story though), won’t work a real job. She works part time at a grocery store and any suggestion that she should get a different job with more hours is off the table for whatever reason. Mind you, she’s also only 6 years older than me. There is NO reason she can’t work a full time job. Now if they could live off his money, that’d be fine. Whatever. But they can’t.
My father has been hitting up everyone for money ever since he got fired and now that he has a job that doesn’t pay well, he still can’t pay the bills. So he bums money off my mom (his ex wife..I know right?), his mother, his brothers, and me.
He asked again for money to help pay his mortgage. I can’t do this anymore, and this is the very last time I’m giving him money. He has no desire to get another job that pays better, she has no inclination to get a job that pays better, and they can’t pay the bills on what they make now. So this isn’t me helping him get over a hump. They are looking at family as a mode of income and that’s not right. We are paying for our wedding ourselves, saving for a house, I have student loans (I put myself through school) I need to pay off and I want to start a family of my own!
They have three options here as far as I’m concerned. He has to find a job that makes more money. She has to find a job that will either make more money or at least give her full time hours. Or they need to figure out a way to cut their expenses to live within their current means. Constantly relying on other people to bridge the gap isn’t feasible and frankly I do NOT work 60+ hours a week so his second wife doesn’t have to work.
Logically I know putting my foot down is the right thing to do, but I still feel like garbage and a bad daughter. I just needed to vent. Ugh.
Post # 3
Youre saying your mother is paying the bills of the woman that stole her husband?! You guys need to stop helping if they don’t want to help themselves
Post # 4
@irishphoenix: It’s so hard to be put in a situation like that, where you know what you’re doing is right but your instincts still line up with how you felt about your parents as a child- that you should do as you’re told and be a good kid.
Stay strong, OP. It sucks, but, as you know, you’re doing the right thing.
Post # 5
Stop enabling this ADULT and his GROWN wife.. seriously. Say no and move on with your life!
Post # 6
That sounds nightmarish, but you’re definitely doing the right thing! Stay strong and hold your ground, OP.
Post # 7
That is a very difficult emotional spot for you to be in, OP. While it may be difficult to cut them off, it has to be done for everyone’s benefit. As the saying goes, “Feed a man a fish, feed him for a day, teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime.”
They can’t continue to bridge the financial gap using other people’s money, it’s just selfish and unfair. Everyone has their own issues, their own problems. And I cannot believe your mom contributes….she must be an absolute SAINT.
ETA: Can you sit down and have a good talk with him about how to get himself out of this situation? Would he be receptive to financial counselling or is his wife receptive to working more hours?
Post # 8
Not much to say, but HUGS. You’re doing the right thing. No father should be hitting up his daughter when his wife could work.
Post # 9
I totally feel for you, I’ve kinda been there, not quite the same, and I get the impression that I’m a bit younger than you with less of an income.
My step mother hardly works, when she does she leaves the job quickly, she also has claimed disability money that she doesn’t deserve.
My mother has lent my father loads of money for rent etc. over the years. and yeah, it sure as hell pisses me off.
luckliy for me my fathers income seems to have changed a fair bit recently, so it’s less of an issue.
I think you all need to stop giving them charity, they’re fully functioning adults, they can support themselves. I know it’s harsh, but he’ll cope, and they’ll survive. People can cope with a lot.
ETA: I could’ve added a lot, but I didn’t want to go on about how much I dissaprove of my step mother and her bad attitude.
Post # 10
Yup, you’re all right, and I know I have to show tough love. It still stinks, but it has to be done. I also need my mom to do the same. It’s not right that she is giving him money. They have remained friends (she is a Saint yes..) but he’s taking advantage of her in my opinion.
I think she feels bad. My dad had a daughter with his second wife, and she worries for the well-being of the daughter. My mom is a daycare provider, so she has a love for kids..and doesn’t blame my half-sister for the sins of her parents and wants to make sure they have heat and food and the like.
This can’t go on though. My mom isn’t loaded either. They need to grow the hell up and deal with the fact they have to work and live within their means. Don’t like it? Tough. Join the club. It’s called everyone.
Post # 11
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
STAND YOUR GROUND.
There’s also option 4: they sell their house and end up renting. Or they rent out a room, etc., to help pay the bills.
I understand the position he was in- I was out of work for almost 10 months during 2011/2012. But during that time, I seriously cut back on expenses (no cable! no eating out! no clothes shopping, etc). If they can’t live within their means, THEY need to make lifestyle changes, not expect other people, like you, to make changes in THEIR lifestyles to support them. Good luck!
Post # 12
@cdncinnamongirl: when you say her mom is a “saint,” you must mean “doormat.”
Post # 13
Sorry you’re having to deal with this insane situation. Props to you OP for not letting them continue to mooch off you. I think helping your mother to not only see that she needs to cut them off too, but help her to be strong and not become backed into a corner is important.
You father and his wife are adults and it’s about time they start behaving as such.
Post # 14
Thanks guys! Completely agree.
@Mischka: I completely agree and I am going to support her in standing her ground. They need to get their act together. Financial counceling. Whatever.
@distracts: There’s really no reason to be insulting to my mother. Thanks though.
Post # 15
@irishphoenix: You are NOT a bad daughter. by giving them money you are enabling them to continue to live their life half-assed. By NOT giving them money you are showing them that you have faith they can be upstanding adults and learn to budget their money.
I would seriously cut out the Classifieds section of the newspaper and give it to them the next time they ask for “help”.