(Closed) I know marriage is a compromise but do I have to be the only one doing it?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2163 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I hear you-it’s frustrating to not be 100% on the same page. My dad is very much like that, he has to be coaxed and pushed and prodded to do anything, and it drives me and my mom crazy! What about if you picked out a puppy and brought one home yourself? Or did some things that you want done…that way he realizes he can either participate, or just deal with the fact that it’ll happen whether he likes it or not.Ideally, you’d want to include him in anything and everything, but maybe he needs more of a harsh push?

Post # 4
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

One person calling the shots isn’t fair. I don’t pull this card very often, but sometimes I do tell my husband “Look, this is what I’m doing, so I hope you can get on board. It’s important to me and there’s no good reason we can’t (paint the bedroom a new color/look for a new car/whatever it might be).”

Usually once I just take care of it myself and he realized that he has to do nothing, he’s fine.

 

 

Post # 5
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Ahem, I wouldn’t ask permission.  Shrug.

Post # 6
Member
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@KatyElle:  I’m so using that exact quote in the future. 

 

@Mrs Hedgehog:  But why, why are you WAITING to start your career?  Get out there now!  

Post # 7
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Eek. I hate it when people tell posters to “go to counseling,” but I actually think you two need counseling. Surely there is some underlying reason for his slowness/ lack of drive. I just don’t understand it and it seems to be the issue with everything.

Your Darling Husband might just be wanting you to do everything? Like what happens if you do go buy a new bed? Would he be mad or relieved that you finally just did it and he liked it?

Post # 8
Member
3257 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I second what ananeele has to say. Does your field require you to have to move to find work or something? If the only reason you are waiting is simply so he can say he started his career first, that is completely unfair.

Post # 10
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@KatyElle:  exactly. If this were my husband, and he didn’t want to compromise, I’d straight up tell him, “Look, either I get a house or the bed, dog or baby. Which would you rather have? Bed and dog? Great”

Post # 11
Member
1052 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I feel like this happens a lot, because one person is usually ready for the next step when the other person isn’t yet. Unfortunately, you can make a person wait but you can’t force them to be ready, so whoever is ready first ends up doing the compromising 🙁

For big things like getting married, moving, having kids etc, having a set plan and waiting till you’re both ready is good. Even timing out when you get a second dog is smart because you have to allow for the cost of food, vet bills, training, the time spent picking up extra poop, walking them etc. Your career I would need to hear more about, if impacts both of you then I’d discuss it but it’s ultimately your decision as long as it works within your family. Things like going back to school, quitting your job etc can be complicated.

For Darling Husband and I, I’ve found it works best to set a goal with a date and several other qualifiers so there’s no will we or won’t we, everyone knows where we stand and that’s that. For example, we both really want kids and if we had millions of dollars we’d have them now. Since we don’t, we had to talk through each of our comfort levels. We know want two before I’m 30, the first before Darling Husband is 30. We would like a house but living in LA that won’t happen so we let it go. We set a goal amount of money to have saved up, an ideal time, and a deadline time. If we meet our monetary goal, we can start TTC at our ideal time. If we don’t, we have until our deadline date at which point neither of us want to wait longer so we’ll just go for it.

For something like buying a bed off craigslist, I think your Darling Husband is being ridiculous and is probably having trouble dealing with something unplanned. My Darling Husband hates to do things unplanned as well, even something simple like going to the grocery store, but I draw the line when it becomes a problem. If I want to buy something off craiglist that we have a need for and is a reasonably good (inexpensive) price, I make sure he likes it, and we get it lol. 

Post # 14
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

 

Try to imagine what its like to be your husband. He has two options-make you upset by saying no (which im sure isnt fun or what he desires) or agree to something he isn’t ready for or can handle/afford at the moment. Yikes!

During this cruddy time, just try and remember all the reasons you married Mr. Hedgie and all that you guys have been blessed with so far! I’m sure his career will be settled sometimei soon, and yall can put down some roots 😉

 

Post # 15
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@KatyElle:  I do the same thing. And it usually works. Especially with things around the house. Sometimes, after I tell him this is what I am doing and there is no reason not to do it, I will start it, and usually he joins in. Sometimes they just need a kick in the rear!

While I would not start a family/buy another dog without seriously discussing it first/being on the same page, things like sleigh beds don’t really need total agreement. Can you afford the bed? If you can, then order it. Maybe if you stop waiting for him and show that yes, you are going to do things without waiting for his dragging feet, then he will get the hint. I know with my Fiance, once he learned that I am very independent and will go to any legnth to do something myself, he has started to pitch in more and discuss topics such as yours more openly. Believe me, it was not always this way!

Post # 16
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Deadlines!  The career is most concerning to him so try telling him that you have been patiently waiting to start your career, but you are concerned if you wait too long it will be harder to get a job (which I suspect it would be).  If the CA job doesn’t work out, ask him if he can select a few locations where there are good jobs for him and you’ll search there.  Or ask him if 1, 2, 3 months sounds reasonable, after which you can start looking first instead.

Regarding the bed, just buy it already.  Fait accompli.  It’s not budgeted, but I assume buying on craigslist saves money over buying new so sometimes you have to be flexible on this.

Regarding the dog, I hate hate hate to say this because I desperately want a dog (FI has a cat), but I think you need to wait.  You may be doing a cross-country move soon and uprooting a new dog, which isn’t ideal for it.  You don’t know about jobs/careers to pay dog related bills or worry about things like if you have time to walk the new one, etc.  Just seems like waiting here actually does make sense.

Sorry on the kids issue, that’s one that you can’t push him into being ready without negative consequences.  I’ve talked to mine about health risks as I get older, and Fiance is starting to realize he’s not so young anymore, so he’s now actually talking about having kids after not too long.  Now, he hasn’t defined what that means precisely, but at least he realizes we can’t wait forever.

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