(Closed) I know murdering my roommate is the wrong decision but…

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
9918 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

What is it that makes him so unbearable?  

Post # 4
Member
6207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

It’s hard to give you advice without more details on the situation

Post # 5
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with PPs.. what is he doing exactly? 

Post # 7
Member
9918 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

The cleaning issue is one you can deal with.  I had a HORRIBLE roommate experience so I can commiserate…and give you some ideas.  First of all, you first need to try to get him to agree to a cleaning plan.  If he is being clean, it will be easier to overlook all the other stuff.  If he continues to not put his dishes in the proper place, or make messes he does not clean up, leave the mess (unless you get bugs).  Move it to the side when you need to cook and clean your own stuff.  My fiance would tell you to put the dishes in his bed, but I disagree.  That’s your choice.  If he continues to leave the mess after you’ve talked to him and after you’ve left it, tell him that you will clean the kitchen for $500 off rent (or whatever large amount you choose).  If he pays more, you will clean up after him.  Then you can use the money to hire a maid.  If NONE of that works, go on craigslist and post that you’re looking for a subletter.  See what kind of response you get.  If you get a bunch of responses, tell this guy he has one week to shape up or get out…and then you replace him.

The morals issue is one you have to let go.  It is not up to you to determine his moral code, nor how strictly he maintains it.  

Post # 8
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I have totally been there! I moved in with my FI (before we were engaged) and his two male roommates. Things were fine for awhile, but then the other two boys stopped doing dishes, cleaning, etc… This is how I dealt with it:

I stopped cleaning up after them. I rearranged the kitchen cabinets so that FI and my stuff was separate from theirs and we let them know (in a nice way) that we would clean and be responsible for cleaning our stuff, and they are responsible for theirs. If they asked they were more than welcome to use our stuff, but it was under the condition that they had to clean it afterwards (if they didn’t they would no longer be allowed to borrow).  I think the drastic change in the kitchen (before all kitchen things were shared and mixed in cupboards and drawers) let the other two know that things were changing and that their lack of cleanliness wasn’t going to be put on FI and I. There would be times when all of our stuff filled the dishwasher and the other two were SOL because they didn’t have any clean dishes. Lesson learned!

It was still pretty painful living out those last few months with them, but just have open communication with your roomie and let him know how your feeling. Also do what I did and separate everything (not just kitchen stuff, but everything inlcuding even that laundry card thingy you mentioned). Soon enough you and your FI will be out on your own 🙂 good luck!!!

Post # 9
Member
1347 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

ive been in that position before and totally understand.

Unless you can get out of your lease early i would sit him down and talk about it. And if that doesnt work start taking a leaf out of his book and see what he thinks of it! Ive had to do that before and they got the idea and things started to get back to normal!

Post # 10
Member
914 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Ugh. I’ve been in this position a couple of times. It all boils down to this: Talk. Fight. Sublet.

Post # 11
Member
369 posts
Helper bee

@NoOneYouExpect:  As far as the morals thing goes – I think you are going to have to stop thinking of him as a friend whose lifestyle you want to influence, and start thinking of him like he’s a coworker or classmate that you have no choice but to be around. Think about it – you might drop a friend for making decisions you can’t agree with, or for being annoyingly self-righteous and hypocritical about their morals, but it’s not something you need to discuss with someone you HAVE to be around all the time.  

I’m saying this because I honestly think that expecting this guy [who can’t be bothered to clean up after himself or pay his rent on time] to “stand up for his beliefs” might be setting the bar too high. If you feel you need to have some respect for him in order to live with him, then focus on changes that are attainable, like putting his dirty dishes in the friggin’ dishwasher or buying his own laundry time, as the basis for your respect. You sound like a person with high expectations, but he sounds like a mess, so I think that if you want to stop feeling miserable about him, you’ve got to lower your expectations. Maybe he isn’t the kind of person you want to be friends with; you can still find a way to have some respect for him, just not the same kind of respect you would have for a close friend.

Once you have all moved out, then maybe you can try to repair your relationship with him by discussing the moral stuff… but for now, I would just try to ignore him when he talks about that kind of thing, or tell him you don’t want to discuss it.

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