Post # 1
I live with my SO and one other guy and I can’t do it anymore. I’ve lost so much respect for my roommate over the past 10 months that I just don’t even want to acknowledge his presence anymore. But the lease won’t be up for another 8 months.
Bees I need help. I don’t want to go home to deal with him and it is unacceptable that he makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home. I love my SO to death and he’s so wonderful about my insanity on this subject but our roommate is upsetting me so much that I have to constantly remind myself not to take it out on SO. It’s not fair to anyone involved that I’m reacting so badly. So bees how have you successfully dealt with a roommate that you want absolutely nothing to do with?
Post # 3
What is it that makes him so unbearable?
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
It’s hard to give you advice without more details on the situation
Post # 5
I agree with PPs.. what is he doing exactly?
Post # 6
He was fairly responsible at the beginning but he has been falling apart. He has stopped cooking entirely and complains that I cook for myself and SO but not for him. (We buy our groceries separately and if he isn’t feeding me I see no reason I should be feeding him.) He stopped cleaning. And I’m not asking for a lot here but if he makes the mess I feel he should be cleaning it. And what drives me crazy is that he did originally. Now however he can’t be bothered to put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher even though he knows I empty the clean dishes as soon as they’re done. And heaven forbid he put money back on the laundry card when he uses it. I’m happy to pay for my laundry not his.
But what really drives me nuts. He presents himself as having a strict moral code and I have watched him compromise his principles time and time again. I can’t respect anyone who can’t stand up for their “core beliefs”. And its always the same story. He meets a girl and his brain turns to putty. From my perspective, its nice that he found someone he is romantically interested in but that doesn’t excuse him from paying his portion of rent on time.
The big deal however is that I can’t respect him. I can’t wrap my head around the idea of continuing to deal with someone that I simply can’t respect.
Post # 7
The cleaning issue is one you can deal with. I had a HORRIBLE roommate experience so I can commiserate…and give you some ideas. First of all, you first need to try to get him to agree to a cleaning plan. If he is being clean, it will be easier to overlook all the other stuff. If he continues to not put his dishes in the proper place, or make messes he does not clean up, leave the mess (unless you get bugs). Move it to the side when you need to cook and clean your own stuff. My fiance would tell you to put the dishes in his bed, but I disagree. That’s your choice. If he continues to leave the mess after you’ve talked to him and after you’ve left it, tell him that you will clean the kitchen for $500 off rent (or whatever large amount you choose). If he pays more, you will clean up after him. Then you can use the money to hire a maid. If NONE of that works, go on craigslist and post that you’re looking for a subletter. See what kind of response you get. If you get a bunch of responses, tell this guy he has one week to shape up or get out…and then you replace him.
The morals issue is one you have to let go. It is not up to you to determine his moral code, nor how strictly he maintains it.
Post # 8
I have totally been there! I moved in with my Fiance (before we were engaged) and his two male roommates. Things were fine for awhile, but then the other two boys stopped doing dishes, cleaning, etc… This is how I dealt with it:
I stopped cleaning up after them. I rearranged the kitchen cabinets so that Fiance and my stuff was separate from theirs and we let them know (in a nice way) that we would clean and be responsible for cleaning our stuff, and they are responsible for theirs. If they asked they were more than welcome to use our stuff, but it was under the condition that they had to clean it afterwards (if they didn’t they would no longer be allowed to borrow). I think the drastic change in the kitchen (before all kitchen things were shared and mixed in cupboards and drawers) let the other two know that things were changing and that their lack of cleanliness wasn’t going to be put on Fiance and I. There would be times when all of our stuff filled the dishwasher and the other two were SOL because they didn’t have any clean dishes. Lesson learned!
It was still pretty painful living out those last few months with them, but just have open communication with your roomie and let him know how your feeling. Also do what I did and separate everything (not just kitchen stuff, but everything inlcuding even that laundry card thingy you mentioned). Soon enough you and your Fiance will be out on your own 🙂 good luck!!!
Post # 9
ive been in that position before and totally understand.
Unless you can get out of your lease early i would sit him down and talk about it. And if that doesnt work start taking a leaf out of his book and see what he thinks of it! Ive had to do that before and they got the idea and things started to get back to normal!
Post # 10
Ugh. I’ve been in this position a couple of times. It all boils down to this: Talk. Fight. Sublet.
Post # 11
@NoOneYouExpect: As far as the morals thing goes – I think you are going to have to stop thinking of him as a friend whose lifestyle you want to influence, and start thinking of him like he’s a coworker or classmate that you have no choice but to be around. Think about it – you might drop a friend for making decisions you can’t agree with, or for being annoyingly self-righteous and hypocritical about their morals, but it’s not something you need to discuss with someone you HAVE to be around all the time.
I’m saying this because I honestly think that expecting this guy [who can’t be bothered to clean up after himself or pay his rent on time] to “stand up for his beliefs” might be setting the bar too high. If you feel you need to have some respect for him in order to live with him, then focus on changes that are attainable, like putting his dirty dishes in the friggin’ dishwasher or buying his own laundry time, as the basis for your respect. You sound like a person with high expectations, but he sounds like a mess, so I think that if you want to stop feeling miserable about him, you’ve got to lower your expectations. Maybe he isn’t the kind of person you want to be friends with; you can still find a way to have some respect for him, just not the same kind of respect you would have for a close friend.
Once you have all moved out, then maybe you can try to repair your relationship with him by discussing the moral stuff… but for now, I would just try to ignore him when he talks about that kind of thing, or tell him you don’t want to discuss it.