Post # 1
I am usually the first to say “mind your own business” in these situations but this time I’m not sure.
My husband and I have a friend we’ll call sam and he has a very long term gf we’ll call Jess. I know for 100% fact that Jess cheated on him about a month ago. I decided to keep it to myself (well actually a few people know and have all not said anything) but then I was told that Sam bought Jess an engagement ring, she saw it and made him return it because it wasn’t big enough. She threatened to break up with him if he didn’t return it and buy a new one. He never proposed, has to save up to get a ring up to her standards. This made me really feel bad for Sam and how that must have made him feel, and the fact that he’s saving up all his money for a ring, for a girl who cheats, breaks my heart.
We aren’t super close, but see eachother in group settings when we go out with friends on the weekends. It has been confirmed by another friend that he doesn’t know she cheated. Oh and the worst part? She lives with him at his parents house- and that’s where she brought the other guy. Ugh.
Should we bite our tongues or should someone tell him? I am almost positive I’ll just leave it alone and wait for the truth to come out on it’s own, but needed to vent regardless!
Post # 2
KatesTheWord: first, why is Sam even with Jess? She sounds like an ass – making him return a ring because it wasn’t big enough?! Really?! And Sam is silly enough to actually continue to save up for a ring for a woman who clearly isn’t grateful? Nope. Honestly, even if you did tell Sam, would he leave? Just asking.
Anyways, back to your actual question. I know this topic often gets heated, and I want to start by saying this is MY PERSONAL OPINION and is not meant to knock the opinion of anyone else. I would tell Sam. Because if I was Sam, I would want to know. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Also, I’d only tell Sam if I had hard evidence of the infidelity, as it sounds like Jess has Sam wrapped around her finger, and would probably convince him it wasn’t true if you didn’t have proof.
Post # 3
That’s such an awful situation! I feel terrible for ‘Sam’ and in all honesty this girl sounds like bad news all around. I know it’s gotta be crazy tempting to tell him, but I guess keeping quiet is the right thing to do. Hopefully it comes out though! It would be so sad if he never found out and ended up paying for a ring/wedding/etc. for someone who doesn’t truly love him…tough situation :/
Post # 4
Just know, if you tell him, you put yourself right smack dab in the middle. Only you will know if that is worth it! As for me, I’m with the bee that said if she were Sam she’d want to know. So would i. But definitely a tough call!
Post # 5
I would tell him. I’m not sure if he would believe you, but maybe if you got all the people that knew together to tell him and then tell him why you knew. I would not want him to be going through all of that difficulty and all of the plans on the hope he might find out later. That could lead to a very expensive mistake that could have been avoided.
Post # 6
KatesTheWord: That’s a tough situation… I think it is necessary to bring it up one way or another. For me it’s a matter of who you bring it up to. If you’re somewhat close with “Jess,” I would rather talk to her so that she can have the chance to do the right thing one last time. However, if you’re not close with her at all…I guess you’ll have to mention it to Sam.
One word of advice as someone who had gone through a similar situation, you can’t expect people to make the obvious decision. Dont be surprised if they decide to look past the infidelity and oust you from their lives. I almost lost a very good friend because she was too in love with this guy. She eventually reached out to me again as soon as her relationship with the guy started falling apart. However, I honestly thought I lost her for good. Sorry your in a tough situation.
Post # 7
KatesTheWord: Ugh, tell him. I’m not usually one to interfere either but this woman sounds like a self-centred cow and therefore undeserving. Let him make this life-defining decision based on fact. Plus, if a few of you know about her cheating then it will get out soon enough. I wouldn’t want to be the ‘friend’ who kept quiet. If the genders were reversed we’d surely all be saying ‘tell her, I wouldn’t want that to happen to me’?
Post # 8
KatesTheWord: I agree with BMoreBecc: If I was “Sam”, I’d want to know. I don’t know how I’d react, but I’d want to know. The problem with that, though, is that without proof, you would risk being called a liar and a troublemaker (by the gf).
In your shoes, I might lean more towards sending an anonymous email or text from a texting app. Explain that you know the truth, but don’t want to be labeled as starting problems and that if Sam chooses to stay with his gf, you’ll never mention it again, you just wanted him to be aware so that he isn’t walking into the situation with blinders on.
Post # 9
I would get together with the other people that know and try to come up with a decision together, ideally that you all meet with him and speak to him about what you know. I agree with PP though that he may be totally wrapped around her finger, which is why coming as a group and having evidence will be important. Sort of a, “We don’t know how to tell you this, and we know it’s going to be really hard to hear, but Jess cheated on you… [and this is how we know].”
Post # 10
KatesTheWord: The best case of course is that you tell Same, he believes you, and breaks up with Jess. She goes on her way, and Sam and you and all your friends are happier without her. That’s also the least likely scenario. So which worse case scenario would you rather live with: you don’t tell and he marries her; or you tell and he doesn’t believe you?
Post # 11
KatesTheWord: 100% tell him!! This Jess girl sounds like a huge mistake waiting to happen and if she’s that nasty, she’ll probably do it again. If you tell him now, you can hopefully prevent an ugly divorce, and bigger heartache down the line. That’s my personal opinion. She doesn’t deserve him and if you respect the guy, you’d let him know. And the truth always come out. If he found out after, and also found out some of his friends knew and didn’t tell him, he would not only feel back stabbed by this girl, but also by his friends. Not a good feeling For anyone.
Post # 12
I’m all for telling him, but you say you aren’t super close so I wonder if he will believe you. Do you have photographs or what is the evidence? This girl sounds like such a liar, I can totally see her saying sure she brought x over to the house to work in a surprise for your friend. Or whatever. But you get the idea. She’s not going to go down easily.
Post # 13
If this was a cheating guy Fiance, everyone would say it’s imperative to tell if only because of the risk of communicable Save-The-Date Cards, etc. I don’t think it should be any different because it’s a cheating woman.
Post # 14
I would want to know, regardless of who it was that told me. I would seriously feel like a fool if it came out that all my friends knew and kept it from me.
Post # 15
I’m a coward and would tell him anon.
Send a letter or an email from a fake email address with enough details that he would know it is the truth or atleast start having doubts.