(Closed) i know trust is out the window

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

How much detail does he want to know?  My Fiance and I have a pretty “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy for previous relationships.  We both dated other people– he knows a little more about mine because they were long term, whereas he was just casually dating for a while.  I don’t have to tell him the number of people I’ve kissed or what I’ve done with each guy.  On the flip side, some couples are very open with this sort of information– they tell all and keep it in the open and it’s no big deal.

I think the biggest issue is that you lied to him– if you’re not comfortable talking about something, then say “I’m not comfortable sharing all of that” instead of lying.  I think you should apologize for lying and try to figure out why you lied– were you scared he wouldn’t love you after you shared the information?  Is he prying the information out to use against you?

Post # 5
Member
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

If you both decided to talk about your past, than be honest about it. Why do you not want him to know something? Are you embarrassed? Are you worried your Fiance would think less of you?

Post # 7
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

How long have you dated? How old are you?  Not to seem rude, but it seems like an immature thing to fight over.  This is all in the past– previous sexual relationships shouldn’t have that much of an effect on your current one (aside from STIs or possible children).  

I feel like you can say “yes, I’ve had sex before” or “no, I haven’t had sex before” to a partner and that can be the end of it.  If you are uncomfortable sharing more information then he shouldn’t be holding it over you and using it against you. 

The fact that he’s saying he “doesn’t know” if he can trust you again makes me feel like he’s trying to emotionally control you and that he’s immature.  You should be able to say “listen, I’m sorry I lied but I was afraid you’d think less of me for having more sexual experience than you.  That was silly of me because I know you respect me.”

If he doesn’t like you for what you’ve done, then he’s judgmental and doesn’t deserve you.

Post # 8
Member
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I would tell him what you just said, that you were afraid he’d think less of you & that’s why you didn’t want to tell him. Then be honest… if you’re not comfortable telling him, just tell him you aren’t comfortable sharing (like @bookworm88 said). You can tell him what you are comfortable with, maybe not exact details but “a summary” IF you want to. He doesn’t NEED to know this info!

Post # 9
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

how old are you because you sound like a teenager?   am i reading your post correctly,  you have only been in a relationship with your Fiance for 6mths and have already had bad history/rough times and now honesty issues? although i can understand not wanting to go into full depth about your past sex life i feel you need to slow down and work on your communication.

you had sex before him, for me that earns a so what but for others this is important.  if you feel you need to regain his trust then your actions and words are the only thing you can give him – i would be honest and tell him that you didnt want him to think less of you for your previous sex life and tell him what about your current relationship is different/makes you happier

Post # 11
Member
46594 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

He sounds awfully immature if he is going to get bent out of shape about your sex life before you met him.

I think your mistake was disclosing anything, then choosing to lie.

I would apologize for lying but also say that I felt pressured to share details that I was not comfortable sharing and made the listake of lying because I feared his reaction.

I would tell him that this topic was no longer open for discussion and if he can’t deal with it he should seek help for that.

Post # 12
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Why would anyone be upset because you had more partners than them? Unless you told him that you were a virgin, then it shouldn’t matter. Really. In the long run, unless you have an STD, your sex life before should never, ever interrupt what happend between you and him. 

If he cant understand that, he wouldn’t be worth my time. 

As for you lying, that is a big issue. I have no idea why you would, other than to save your face against some weird and immature prejudice he has against more experienced people. But apologize, be 100% honest, and move on. Again, if he cant as well, then he wouldn’t be worth my time. 

Also, I am curious about your age and what exactly you lied about. I can only give vague advice. 

Post # 13
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@missglam:  That has everything to do with it. If he asked me again, I would be like, “Do you want to know the real number or can you trust that you are the only one I want to be with and the rest of the people I was intimate with do not matter because you are here with me.” Then I would offer to take an STD test and leave it at that. If he cant get over it, then you have your answer. 

Post # 13
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I agree with bookworm88 , I’d also add that if you don’t feel comfortable sharing those details, you shouldn’t feel pressured into doing so. This is your past and there are some things that it is okay to keep to yourself.

Post # 14
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@missglam:  Just saw we posted at the same time. I think what most of the bees are getting at is that this shouldn’t be an issue and perhaps this is a red flag if he is losing trust because you lied because you aren’t comfortable sharing your sex life. Frankly, I would have lied too! I think most bees are focusing on the fact that he is requring that you open up about something so personal, rather than the fact that he doesn’t trust you.

To gain his trust back, be honest! Tell him that you DON’T feel comfortable sharing your prior sex life. Tell him that you have been sexually active before him and since that is the past, that’s all you’d like to talk about. You do NOT have to share the details unless YOU want to. Explain to him that you lied because you were uncomfortable and felt pressured to share something and you didn’t want to talk about it.

If he can’t understand that, there seems to be much bigger issues in your relationship.

The topic ‘i know trust is out the window’ is closed to new replies.

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