I left: the end to that horrid saga and some reflection

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 61
Member
5404 posts
Bee Keeper

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phillygirl93 :  Meeting him is too expensive for furniture imo. I’d tell him to fuck off in no uncertain terms. He’s probably going to be a dick about it. 

I have had a closure talk it was meh. I was also in my early 20s. It was my only closure talk. We were together 6 months only. It was ok. 

 

Post # 62
Member
8197 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If you decide to go, bring someone with you. Preferably someone strong. Have them move the furniture for you while you are having your closure talk. That way he can’t back out and decide to be a jerk about it. 

I’d probably go, only because I’d be so curious what he wanted to say. But if your furniture isn’t worth it (it wasnt before), do not hesitate to tell him to F off and block him.

Post # 64
Member
8197 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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phillygirl93 :  I would just show up lol. Be like “Okay so they are going to move the stuff. Lets go grab a coffee/chat and they’ll text when theyre done” or something. 

Post # 65
Member
2079 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I’m loving this strategy!  I’d kill to be a fly on that wall when you call him on what I suspect is a freaking bluff!

Post # 66
Member
1424 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Agree to the talk. Plan to meet at a restaurant you both liked for the talk, and move the stuff beforehand with a friend or two.  Take your things to your new apt. 

Take your own vehicle to the dinner spot. ONLY order a single glass of wine. Let him talk. Then leave and block his ass. You don’t owe him any explanations. Just go. 

You want your furniture gone from his place before he realizes you aren’t going to be lured back in.

Post # 67
Member
2206 posts
Buzzing bee

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phillygirl93 :  please, please bring someone with you. if he’s as big an asshole as he seems, there’s no way you can be certain of what he’ll do if you go there alone. This could range from verbal to perhaps even physical abuse. Don’t say you know he wouldn’t do that—you clearly had no idea that he was capable of being this terrible when you moved in with him. I want you to get your furniture back, but I’m a little nervous about how he may react when you’re back within his grasp. 

 

It’d be foolish on your behalf to think that you’re about to walk into a situation where he just wants to have a calm, civil discussion and send you on your way with his only leverage over you. Remember the person that you wanted so badly to escape? Consider the person you’re about to meet being 100x worse than him…

Post # 68
Member
2370 posts
Buzzing bee

100% go meet him but mainly because I selfishly want to hear what he has to say. 

And I agree with others to just show up with 1 or 2 people who will start moving the furniture. If he doesn’t allow that, then his offer wasn’t real and you can turn around and leave.

He’s just trying to sweet talk his way back in with you. Once he realizes he can’t, he’ll try to reneg on giving the furniture back. The furniture is just a ploy to get you to give him the time of the day.

Post # 72
Member
2206 posts
Buzzing bee

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phillygirl93 :  public place, with your own transportation, and don’t order an alcoholic beverage. Better yet, just don’t order shit to eat—just talk and get it over with. And be sure not to give any info on where you’re currently staying, because you know he’s gonna ask/try to figure it out.

There’s a reason you played your cards right for so long until you could move out—do not forget that reason. Please be careful. 

Post # 73
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I really don’t like his thinking at all. This is the furniture that you purchased. Technically it belongs to you anyway, why does he think he gets to hold it over your head to make you come back and have a “closure” talk?

 

Why does he think he has any right to your furniture in the first place? Why can’t he just ask for a closure talk nicely as a human being? It’s got to be a power play?

 

Dude is fucked up.

 

Anyway I came back here to say that you should use this experience as a reason why you SHOULD live with someone before marriage – not the opposite. In the end how you live your life is your choice of course, but moving in with this guy before marriage did allow you to see his true character before making a lifelong commitment to him. As hard as it’s been, this all would have been much harder if you were married to him. Food for thought.

Post # 74
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee

I’d say go with the, distract him by going somewhere to meet him while your friends with the keys go get your stuff out. He tries to bitch about it afterwards just tell him you were able to find all the receipts for those items and proof you bought them so he can get lost. 

Or you can show up with 2 friends assuming he was being truthful in letting you have your stuff back. Then sit and talk to the side or down the street at a coffee place while the move happens. 

I think in any scenario If he tries to back out of giving your stuff back you just tell him you have every receipt so he has no leg to stand on and your going to be taking your stuff now. 

Mad for closure there won’t be any real closure. My good friend tries for closure with her ex who after 3 years up and left with no explanation. He agreed to meet her 2 months later. They hung out around the city we live for 9 HOURS lol and she got literally zero answers out of him. Closure is a myth imo. 

Post # 75
Member
331 posts
Helper bee

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phillygirl93 :  

CLOSURE TALK IS A TRAP

But if you want your stuff back, go have friends/movers do it. Get coffee with him. Dinner is TOO LONG. Convo should be no more than 30 mins. 

Also, here are closure trap ammunitions that he will launch at you:

– he will ask for reasons etc.. this stuff will just drag the convo out because for every reason you give him, he will have a ‘justification’ or another question. YOU DON’T OWE HIM ANY EXPLANATIONS

– resist the temptation to vent your anger or bring up old stuff because he will use it to DRAG OUT THE CONVO. If he talks and talks, just nod your head and say uhuh. Come here to weddingbee to vent. We’re here for you

– Mindset: keep looking towards the future. If he wants explanations/reasons, just tell him you are ready to move on with your life and you look forward to your future. Resist talking about the past. He will want to drag you back into the past. Just tell him, yeah those were good moments and they were enjoyable and it was good while it lasted etc I’m ready for something serious. Just keep pointing to the future when he tries to talk about the past. This will annoy and piss him off.

You don’t owe him any explanation or reason. You are your own woman now. 

Congratulations! & good luck

 

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