I lied to my husband about something stupid and now he doesn't want me anymore

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 121
Member
11535 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

It doesn’t matter why

It only matters that it is. He is emotionally abusive. He will probably escalate to physical violence.

for everyone who says emotional is worse, they only mean if you live though the physical. Will it help comfort your grieving parents or children to know that he had a messed up childhood?

Not really. Nor should it comfort you because your purpose on earth is to be the best human you can be, not to take abuse from a low level person who refuses to be accountable for their own crap.you are not an emotional punching bag. You have gifts to use while here. Don’t waste them on this creep.

He is unfit to be a partner or a parent.  The end. 

 

Post # 122
Member
5587 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

BalletParker :  

Personally, I don’t like to measure one abuse as worse than the other. Though physical is more dangerous I think. Abuse is abuse and it tears you down as a person. It’s painful and it has life long consequences. Some forms are more extreme than others, but I feel like trying to say one is worse than the other is writing off what someone has been through.

I’ve just learned to be thankful of my past, it made me who I am today, and I’m so proud that I’ve over come it. I also know that there are people who have suffered far worse as well as people who haven’t come close to what I’ve been through.

When I was younger, I used to carry it like a chip on my shoulder, looking at people like they have no idea what problems are. That chip is gone now and I just listen and empathise without writing anyone off in my head.

While this guys background is awful, like you said, he’s a grown ass adult. His childhood was not his fault. Carrying it into adulthood and being abusive because he refuses to help himself is 100% his fault and I lose all sympathy there.

Post # 123
Member
11535 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Sansa85 :  I agree completely re no sympathy for an abuser who chooses to keep abusing. Many people have been abused in some way (e.g., some studies show neglect is actually more damaging than abuse in terms of psychological damage). No matter what, It’s not an excuse to hurt another person.

 I was trying to point out the stakes to OP. on average, three women a day die from physical violence by an intimate partner, so the only way the two are the same is if you live through the physical.

I don’t mean to negate the insidious damage from emotional abuse, nor am I trying to say one is more damaging emotionally than the other, but if you’re alive you have a chance to recover. 

This point gets lost sometimes; at least in the US, we pretend we don’t have an epidemic of violence against women that results in their deaths, but we do. It makes me so angry that we treat women’s lives like they are irrelevant, that these murders are rugswept every day. So I can get a little ragey about it, esp when I see a poster like OP whose partner is displaying one of the “lethality indicators.” 

 

So sorry for what you went through. ((Non creepy internet hugs)) 

Post # 124
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee

Sansa85 :  Yeah agreed that you should not use your problems as an excuse to hurt others. 

I have learned, after many attempts of making excuses for guys I have dated, that if the guy starts bringing up his past or exes, and why it is the WAY HE IS towards women and/or me… bounce out of there. RED FLAG. 

Hell, my parents have been divorced (and remarried) for over a decade and STILL blame each other for their problems today. I ignore them or change the subject because I do not want to fall into that habit or accept that its ok. Because I used to accept it in my own past relationships. NOT anymore. 

Post # 125
Member
618 posts
Busy bee

You deserve so much better.  Please don’t allow this guy to continue to treat you this way.  It doesn’t matter what his past is, if he can’t move past it, get help, and treat you well then he shouldn’t be in a relationship – with anyone.  You’re youg and you have so much time to find someone better.  A couple of good days are not worth the way he makes you feel every other day.  Give yourself a chance at finding a partner that makes you feel good every day.  Good luck to you bee.

Post # 126
Member
1548 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

hisonly :  This is crazy. Your Fiance is being a tyrant, do you really want to live the rest of your life under his thumb like this?

Post # 127
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2017

This is a rough situation. I’m not going to tell you that you need to leave or insult your husband. That’s for you to decide. I do hope that you and he both get the help you guys need, and that whatever measures you take are truly helpful and safe.

I will say that I’m a foster parent and have seen a lot of kids impacted by trauma. When children experience trauma, their brain development can be severely impacted. Judging by what you shared of his past, it is likely that he was exposed to drugs and/or alcohol in utero and that can have lifelong impacts as well. My adopted son is on the fetal alcohol spectrum, but also experienced severe trauma and neglect for the first 4 years of his life. He has now been with me for 6 years. Despite weekly individual counseling, family counseling, in-home services, training (for me and hubby), special ed, special accommodations and a plethora of other services, he is still far from “normal.” He will always struggle. I have provided a loving and stable home for him for 6 years, and while we have seen major improvements in him, all that still hasn’t begun to undo the impacts of trauma and neglect his bio-mom imposed on him in his first four years. Because his brain has been impacted, there are things that his brain just can not grasp. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell him not to talk to grown men in a public bathroom, he’ll go right in and strike up a conversation at the urinal. We’ve gone over and over about why growling at kids is not a socially acceptable response to people (and may be a reason why kids make fun of him), but he will still growl and hiss at people when in an uncomfortable situation. He may get “better” over time, but life will always be a struggle because of those first four years and his prenatal drinking problem. He is a great kid with some really amazing gifts and we love him to death, but he is a difficult child to parent. I can only imagine that he will be a difficult man to be married to.

Your husband sounds a lot like how I can see my son being in the future — they are intense people. From what you said of his past, I wouldn’t say it is his fault that he’s like that, but like I tell my son, it is now his responsibility to be the best him with what he’s been dealt. I can offer you tons of advice and info on how to raise intense children, but unfortunately I can’t say I have a lot experience with how to be married to one. I don’t know if any of this was helpful, but I know that when I am struggling with my son, it helps me to look back to see the root or reason for the problem, it usually helps to clarify a path to resolution that helps both of us.

At any rate, I do hope the two of you can get help and come to a resolution that works positively for both of you.

Post # 128
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

    

Post # 129
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

pinkshoes :  I’m guessing she means a PayPal credit card, not her regular PayPal account.  I think PayPal offers a  couple of different ones.

Post # 130
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

hisonly :  i was in a relationship for 5 years that was abusive. Emotionally and eventually physically. My ex sounds a lot like your husband  – he would always say demeaning things to me, criticize what I was wearing, who my  friends were, my tattoos, my job, make disgusting comments about women, never let me choose the restaurant/movie/tv show/song on the radio. So many other things. Every fight was my fault. I was always the one apologizing. Our good days and bad days depended on if he was mad at me or not. It took me a year to realize I needed to leave him. It took me 4 more to actually do it. 

My point is, I understand exactly where you are. You feel hopeless, angry, defeated, probably exhausted and depressed. Lonely. My ex isolated me from all of my friends and I was in college so I was away from my family, so I was scared to leave him because I had no support system and was scared of being all alone if I did. Eventually I got so sick of it I started standing up for myself more and regaining my friendships so eventually I regained my support system and found the strength to leave him for good. It was NOT easy even though I knew it was right. It was hard mentally because of the years of abuse, not because I loved him. Once I actually did it, I spent a lot of time with my girlfriends and eventually I healed and met my husband. 

 

I know I would NOT have been able to leave him without the support of my friends, during and after. In my relationship, I kept the bad parts from my friends because I didn’t want to hear their judgments and eventually we drifted away because there was nothing I could share with them. I knew the things they would say about my relationship and if I heard someone else say it it would have made it something I had to face. In the end, opening up and sharing those parts with my friends in real life and hearing them validate my feelings and fears and hearing them tell me they would be there for me after I left him gave me the courage I finally needed. Do you have a support system in your life? That is the ONLY way I got out of my relationship. 

 

You DO deserve someone who loves you and trusts you, who doesn’t blame his past for how he treats you. That’s not an excuse. That’s not love. 

Post # 131
Member
2441 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Gosh I didn’t want to add to the laundry list of repsonses but please bee something has got to give! This starts out emotional and verbal and it becomes physical.  Sadly majority of us have actually been abused (childhood) physically and or emotionally. I was physically and emotionally abused as a child and verbally abused by an ex. I’ve mentioned him a couple times before. Same as other bees and your situation.  He ALWAYS said I was cheating even at work. I would dress nice to go on a date WITH HIM amd he would say “who are you trying to look cute for?” He told me straight out he was using me for what I was good for so why would he treat me any differently? As I shared before he hrabbed my arm/wrist ONCE and I was gone. This didn’t even last a year. He was nice in the beginning and his true colors came out about 2 months in. The verbal abuse went on longer than it should have but the moment he touched me it was OVER. No questions asked. I literally changed my number never talked to him again and told my family everything.  My mom contacted him ans told him if he comes near me she will call the cops and have a restraining order put against him. This is already so disgustingly horrible to read. You can’t keep thinking he will change and sorry but counseling wont help him either even tho other PP have suggested it. Maybe it would help him if he were by himself working on himself but its not going to change with you staying with him. Period. And being abused or having a bad childhood doesn’t give you the right to destroy other humans. I honestly think you knew everything from the beginning but you wanted to be “the one ” that can fix him and be there for him.  It will NEVER work.

Post # 132
Member
3683 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Your husband is extremely insecure.  He’s always going to be that way.  He’s never going to trust you because he’s sure you’re going to cheat on him.  That’s his problem, not yours.  Do you really want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells while he goes through all of your stuff looking for evidence that you’ve done something wrong?  

He’s happy he found those PayPal transactions, even though your buying the tv was relatively innocent.  It gave him something to crucify you.  He wants you to feel bad because he gets off on that.  He enjoys making you beg for forgiveness and denying it.  The way he’s treating you, you may as well have slept with another man.  

 

Post # 133
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Yikes! I could not be with someone that controlling. All of this over a TV?! You shouldn’t have to prove anything to him. He has the issue and he needs to get help with it.

Post # 134
Member
1782 posts
Buzzing bee

hisonly :  “I wasn’t comfortable about telling him about it because I knew he’d blow it out of proportion and assume I want my co-worker or something”

F that noise. If he’s that insecure to where you must tiptoe around buying a TV and he’s not willing to work through his trust issues, see a counselor, then GTFO. Seriously. This is gaslighting and is abusive. I don’t give a crap that you lied, I’m more concerned about the fact that you felt you had to lie over something this trivial. Relationships are supposed to be open and honest, and if you’re unable to be honest with your partner about everything because they’ll get upset, then it is time to go. 

Post # 135
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

hisonly :  “all i ever wanted was to trust you and you just proved to me I can’t.” He has already gone into this relationship with this mentality and will never be able to trust you no matter what you do. Maybe you can suggest he goes to therapy? This behavior is quite abnormal and in the long run will be damaging to your well being and your relationship.

Also want to add that it might be helpful for you to do some of your own soul searching to figure out why you were attracted to man like this and why you got involved with someone with so many issues. Was it because deep down you wanted to help him get better and thought you could fix him? A lot of people are like this due to childhood upbringing, it might be good for you to explore this in therapy as well. 

Bottom line, the things you have outlined are really, really concerning and if you were my friend, sister, whatever, I would highly encourage you to get out, especially if you dont have kids.

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