Post # 16
I don’t expect a free ride. I’m collecting unemployment which is 1/3 of my income. I’m also going to be doing some ‘under the table’ work for a friend of mine doing some PR and research for her. She owns a well respected PR firm in town and she said she can throw some work my way. She’s used me before to rewrite press releases and doing market research, as well.
I haven’t talked to him for some reason and I don’t even know why, honestly. He was very shocked I got let go and he’s been very emotionally supportive since I got let go. He calls me every day to check on me, he thanks me for all I’m doing to catch up on household chores and cleaning, etc.
I’m glad I decided to put off leaving, though. I saw that things at work were questionable so I made the decision to stick around and wait until work got settled….OR NOT. I’m glad I stayed, actually, but now I’m wondering how we’re going to handle finances. I need to open up the talk and this AM I told him I needed to write a check to him, but he didn’t say how much and he walked out of the room before I could ask.
And…..I’m stuck with the job thing right now too. One interviewer recently told me that I was overqualified. While another was concerned that I didn’t have enough experience and they had ‘concerns’ about my sales track record. And, rightly so…..
I just hope it doesn’t take too long to find something!
As for us having ‘shared’ living expenses. Well, maybe that’s my perspective. But, it’s his house and not mine. He’ll refer to it as ‘ours’ but I just don’t see it that way. I was a homeowner for 20 years of my life and I guess my perspective is that I’m paying him rent. That terminology is on me, he’s never used those words when making reference to the check I write. He usually just says, “Hey I need a check from you” or he’ll say we need to talk about the finances.
Post # 17
From your previous posts, you’ve been thinking of leaving him for the last 2 months at least, and considering you were looking for apartments for you and your son earlier…how long have you been living with you bf?
I mean, it sounds like the relationship has run its course in your mind, staying but hoping to pay less rent NOW seems like you’re thinking of sticking around to use him a little…while you figure out your finances.
On the flip side, I live with my SO and we split 99% of things equally with the occasional “bought lunch/dinner” on dates. Doesn’t matter if income streams are different, we still pay the same because we’re equals and we can afford it. How much do you have saved up? Have a conversation with him about maybe paying a little less on food and stuff but keep up rent payments? Find a compromise you both can live with.
Edit: Kept reading your old posts and your bf sounds like a tool. He’s very calculative and very manipulative and overbearing and controlling (towards his ex anyway). You need to leave, stop hmm and hawing. Find a new job, leave him and have a brand new beginning.
Post # 18
I just looked at your post about the 45/55 split – dear OP there is NO way this guy is going to say sure darling live for free until you get a job, NO way . You were thinking about leaving him anyway and it now sounds like its going to be even worse than it was before.
I don’t have any advice , I just wish you could get free of him. I bet your self esteem is not the best and I also bet that’s not unconnected with your failure at work .
Post # 19
elderbee : Yeah, I didn’t realize who OP was until after I posted.
Sorry, bee, but given what you’ve posted about this guy before…I wouldn’t count on him giving you much support through this. He seems like an “every man for himself” kind of guy.
Post # 20
On a good note: you should look up “squatter rights” in your state. If you don’t have a written rent contract he can’t just kick you out on the street.
Post # 21
Discuss it ASAP. Personally, I covered rent and the majority of expenses when my then-BF, now Darling Husband moved in with me, because he’d moved interstate and didn’t have a job yet. He had some money saved, but not enough to contribute. He was job searching every day and found a job within a couple of weeks, as soon as he started getting paid he started paying rent. I thought that was fair provided he was actively job searching.
Post # 22
I did talk to him this AM finally. He told me not to worry about it. I told him I felt I should contribute something and he said for me to just pay what I’m comfortable with. He didn’t bat an eye and gave me a hug afterwards. And, as I said earlier, he has been very emotionally supportive and motivating. There was one day when I was beating myself up for my poor performance that led to my job loss, and he did his best to boost my ego a bit by telling me all about my good qualities and how he believes in me and my abilities, etc.
Honestly, he’s been more supportive recently than he ever has and it’s thrown me for a loop. But, I’m glad I talked to him.
Post # 23
andromeda99 : That is really great to hear! All the best, Bee.
Post # 24
yupmarried : exactly. She has more power than she thinks depending on where she lives.
Post # 25
coffeecakez : It depends on your perspective. I don’t think people necessarily need to be married to be one financial unit, and, in fact, I think that should start when a couple moves in together, whether they are married or not at the time. This is because, if you think about it, you’re starting to pool resources at that point anyway (e.g. one person does the shopping/cooking/cleaning if the other doesn’t have time, etc.).
I mean, I guess two people could live like roommates and keep their finances separate, but that rubs me the wrong way when two lives are so intertwined as they are in a romantic cohabiting relationship.
TheGridMonster : Sure, but if you are not comfortable being one financial unit, then why move in together? At that point, you are pooling resources anyway, and I think that finances should be included in that. Sorry, I don’t understand this perspective.
andromeda99 : I honestly think that if your boyfriend is not comfortable supporting you financially at this time, that you are not in a great relationship. If you’re already living together, I assume you are very committed to each other and are in a partnership. When two people are in a partnership, they support each other through thick and thin and make their lives work together. If your boyfriend is not willing to do that, then that should be a dealbreaker for most people.
Post # 26
franklymydearidont : I’ve known some people who decided to move in together after not dating all that long because both people’s leases were up and they were spending all their time at the other’s place anyway. But they went into it splitting rent. Would they have made that same decision if one of them would be paying 100%? Who knows. Maybe, but maybe one of them wouldn’t be able to swing it all by themselves. I wouldn’t move in with a partner if I wasn’t comfortable that they would/could cover me for awhile if I hit a rough patch, but I can understand that different couples might choose to live together under different circumstances.
Post # 27
That’s good you sorted it out. I think since he said ‘pay what you’re comfortable with’ i would pay at least half of my bills, at least until things got extra difficult.
Also, sales is NOT for everyone. It takes a particular personality type and it doesn’t say anything negative about you if you’re not that type.
Post # 28
It’s been good to know that he’s actually seeing me as a partner and is willing to support me. I told him I loved him the other day after he went on a long tangent about my capabilities, etc and he was so sweet about it that I felt I had to jump on him and tell him so. He said, “Are you sure? Because you know, now that you’re unemployed you’re kind of stuck with me and you know I wouldn’t kick you out in the cold. You kinda have to love me……” He winked at me and gave me a hug and we had a good chuckle over that.
HOnestly the biggest joke we have going right now is that he has free labor at home and that I often ask him, “Must be nice to have a stay at home spouse now, huh? Sht gets done around here!!!!” He will tell me that, as nice as it is, it’s just a season and that when I find a job the place is going to be back to being a mess and a pigsty. Ahhh, that’s Ok. I need a job more than I need a clean house!
Post # 29
franklymydearidont : I believe that if you aren’t married or aren’t planning to be married in the near future, it’s EXTREMELY important to have agreements ironed out in writing. Living as if you’re married (shorthand here for a clarified financial/ legal arrangement), and pooling resources is fun until the show ends.
If one partner pays the rent/ mortgage/ utilities, it’s easy to see their contribution. What about the partner who buys the towels? Does the laundry? Takes care of the pets? Doesn’t take on extra shifts at work in order to put energy into the household? Declines an offer to move across the country (or doesn’t even apply for those opportunities in the first place)?
FWIW, “feathering the nest” is work that disproportionately impacts women, (emotional labor has hidden real costs, too… to cook, someone is buying ingredients). When the household splits up, those costs are HARD to prove after the fact.
It’s a lot easier if you know if “covering our joint expenses” is a true gift, or if it’s a loan with a future repayment date, if he plans to NOT contribute as much when OP gets her feet back under her to “even things out”, etc.
It sounds super unromantic, but if you aren’t married, there’s no clear-to-understand legal arrangement underpinning the “i’ll take care of you” warm and fuzzy. Send an email to one another clarifying what this is (and isn’t), especially if this guy counts his pennies.
Post # 30
btw, this guy sounds like the kind that will keep a running excel sheet with the tab you owe him and present it to you later. if you don’t pay at that time, you’ll run the risk of small claims court. don’t assume warm and fuzzy now means you won’t get blindsided later.
some men will put recurring significant bills in your name (gas, lights, cable) and only put the more expensive, but easier to cancel ones in theirs (phones, netflix/ other entertainment) or they’ll keep the cars in their name as they have value and put the leased vehicles in the woman’s. it’s not rude or stupid to do so… it’s self-interested and fair, if the other person doesn’t care or think about their own financial picture.
women, especially women who earn less than their mates & who do more “feathering” work, ought to consider actively protecting their financial status. marriage is a THING with a meaning in the municipality you’re in. if you aren’t married, don’t operate as though you are– get it in writing.