I lost my job: question about living together

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
448 posts
Helper bee

From your previous posts, you’ve been thinking of leaving him for the last 2 months at least, and considering you were looking for apartments for you and your son earlier…how long have you been living with you bf?

I mean, it sounds like the relationship has run its course in your mind, staying but hoping to pay less rent NOW seems like you’re thinking of sticking around to use him a little…while you figure out your finances.

On the flip side, I live with my SO and we split 99% of things equally with the occasional “bought lunch/dinner” on dates. Doesn’t matter if income streams are different, we still pay the same because we’re equals and we can afford it. How much do you have saved up? Have a conversation with him about maybe paying a little less on food and stuff but keep up rent payments? Find a compromise you both can live with.

Edit: Kept reading your old posts and your bf sounds like a tool. He’s very calculative and very manipulative and overbearing and controlling (towards his ex anyway). You need to leave, stop hmm and hawing. Find a new job, leave him and have a brand new beginning.

Post # 18
8434 posts
Bumble Beekeeper


andromeda99 :  

I just looked at   your post about the 45/55  split  – dear OP there is NO way this guy is going to say sure darling  live for free until you get a job, NO way . You were thinking about leaving him anyway  and it now sounds like its going to be even worse than it was before. 

I don’t  have  any advice , I just wish you could  get free of him.  I bet your  self esteem is not the best and I also bet that’s  not  unconnected with your failure at work . 

Post # 19
4244 posts
Honey bee

elderbee :  Yeah, I didn’t realize who OP was until after I posted.

Sorry, bee, but given what you’ve posted about this guy before…I wouldn’t count on him giving you much support through this. He seems like an “every man for himself” kind of guy.

Post # 20
1796 posts
Buzzing bee

On a good note: you should look up “squatter rights” in your state. If you don’t have a written rent contract he can’t just kick you out on the street.

Post # 21
1592 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Discuss it ASAP. Personally, I covered rent and the majority of expenses when my then-BF, now Darling Husband moved in with me, because he’d moved interstate and didn’t have a job yet. He had some money saved, but not enough to contribute. He was job searching every day and found a job within a couple of weeks, as soon as he started getting paid he started paying rent. I thought that was fair provided he was actively job searching.

Post # 23
168 posts
Blushing bee

andromeda99 :  That is really great to hear! All the best, Bee.

Post # 24
428 posts
Helper bee

yupmarried :  exactly. She has more power than she thinks depending on where she lives. 

Post # 25
1231 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

coffeecakez :  It depends on your perspective. I don’t think people necessarily need to be married to be one financial unit, and, in fact, I think that should start when a couple moves in together, whether they are married or not at the time. This is because, if you think about it, you’re starting to pool resources at that point anyway (e.g. one person does the shopping/cooking/cleaning if the other doesn’t have time, etc.).

I mean, I guess two people could live like roommates and keep their finances separate, but that rubs me the wrong way when two lives are so intertwined as they are in a romantic cohabiting relationship.

TheGridMonster :  Sure, but if you are not comfortable being one financial unit, then why move in together? At that point, you are pooling resources anyway, and I think that finances should be included in that. Sorry, I don’t understand this perspective. 

andromeda99 :  I honestly think that if your boyfriend is not comfortable supporting you financially at this time, that you are not in a great relationship. If you’re already living together, I assume you are very committed to each other and are in a partnership. When two people are in a partnership, they support each other through thick and thin and make their lives work together. If your boyfriend is not willing to do that, then that should be a dealbreaker for most people.

Post # 26
9219 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

franklymydearidont :  I’ve known some people who decided to move in together after not dating all that long because both people’s leases were up and they were spending all their time at the other’s place anyway. But they went into it splitting rent. Would they have made that same decision if one of them would be paying 100%? Who knows. Maybe, but maybe one of them wouldn’t be able to swing it all by themselves. I wouldn’t move in with a partner if I wasn’t comfortable that they would/could cover me for awhile if I hit a rough patch, but I can understand that different couples might choose to live together under different circumstances.

Post # 27
2802 posts
Sugar bee

That’s good you sorted it out. I think since he said ‘pay what you’re comfortable with’  i would pay at least half of my bills, at least until things got extra difficult. 

Also, sales is NOT for everyone. It takes a particular personality type and it doesn’t say anything negative about you if you’re not that type. 

Post # 29
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

franklymydearidont :     I believe that if you aren’t married or aren’t planning to be married in the near future, it’s EXTREMELY important to have agreements ironed out in writing.  Living as if you’re married (shorthand here for a clarified financial/ legal arrangement), and pooling resources is fun until the show ends. 

If one partner pays the rent/ mortgage/ utilities, it’s easy to see their contribution. What about the partner who buys the towels? Does the laundry? Takes care of the pets? Doesn’t take on extra shifts at work in order to put energy into the household? Declines an offer to move across the country (or doesn’t even apply for those opportunities in the first place)? 

FWIW, “feathering the nest” is work that disproportionately impacts women, (emotional labor has hidden real costs, too… to cook, someone is buying ingredients).  When the household splits up, those costs are HARD to prove after the fact.

It’s a lot easier if you know if “covering our joint expenses” is a true gift, or if it’s a loan with a future repayment date, if he plans to NOT contribute as much when OP gets her feet back under her to “even things out”, etc.   

It sounds super unromantic, but if you aren’t married, there’s no clear-to-understand legal arrangement underpinning the “i’ll take care of you” warm and fuzzy.  Send an email to one another clarifying what this is (and isn’t), especially if this guy counts his pennies.

Post # 30
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

btw, this guy sounds like the kind that will keep a running excel sheet with the tab you owe him and present it to you later. if you don’t pay at that time, you’ll run the risk of small claims court. don’t assume warm and fuzzy now means you won’t get blindsided later.

some men will put recurring significant bills in your name (gas, lights, cable) and only put the more expensive, but easier to cancel ones in theirs (phones, netflix/ other entertainment) or they’ll keep the cars in their name as they have value and put the leased vehicles in the woman’s. it’s not rude or stupid to do so… it’s self-interested and fair, if the other person doesn’t care or think about their own financial picture.

women, especially women who earn less than their mates & who do more “feathering” work, ought to consider actively protecting their financial status. marriage is a THING with a meaning in the municipality you’re in. if you aren’t married, don’t operate as though you are– get it in writing.

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