Post # 31
andromeda99 : First of all, very sorry for your job loss. That’s really tough.
I think the right answer depends on the paramaters you guys set up when you moved in together.
Do you consider your finances to be at all joint? Or do you have more of a roommate “split it all down the middle” approach? Prior to this, were you earning similar amounts, or did you have a signifigant disparity? It also sounds like you’re both in sales, so you probably both have super variable incomes, which makes this more complex. I think a lot of it also depends on how serious your relationship is and where you see yourself going. Are you practically engaged and clearly headed for marriage or are you not yet that committed?
If you have the “roommate” style approach, I wouldn’t expect him to give you a break or pick up the slack. I mean, your roommate wouldn’t start paying your rent if you got laid off, right? If you’e income isn’t joint it’s not really fair to think that your job loss is his to support. But I would expect him to be supportive by not encouraging unnecessary spending or picking up the tab himself for any dates he wants to go on (dinners out, tickets to events, etc). And of course, being supportive of cheaper alternatives and general cost cutting as you work off a smaller budget (cut the cable, downgrade the groceries, etc).
If you guys always had a more joint approach to money, then I usually think it’s fair to split expenses based on income percentage. So if he earns $50k per year and you are now suddenly earning $25k based on unemployment income, then he’d pay 66% of the household bills and you’d pay 33%. This would get re-adjusted when you find a new job with higher pay.
Post # 32
I would agree with many of the bees that living together before marriage is a good idea. My SO and I are currently living together (and not engaged) and while it was an adjustment it was helpful to see that we can work together and made me more confident in my choice that he is the one.
However before moving in together we sat down and had a discussion about the future of our relationship. We have been together almost 4 years now but half of it had been long distance due to me finishing school and him getting a job in a different state. So I wanted to feel confidant in moving to a brand new state jobless to be with him, and we were able to come up with a timeline for our future so I knew that this wasn’t just a “test” and he couldn’t just string me along (as I wouldn’t be able to afford to live alone if we didn’t work out).
However i I can understand also wanting a ring before living together (as his family is quite conservative and felt that is how we should have handled things). I would say it didn’t matter to me because I knew that step was coming and when I can expect it so moving in together and engagement could have been switched and it would have been fine. I think the most important thing is to have that timeline conversation and lay down your expectations to him and hold him to them.
Post # 33
Well I would do what he is comfortable with.
I am not sure how serious you guys are about getting married but it was agreed by me and my SO by around 4 months of dating. Moved in fully at 6 months. For me… he has agreed to take on all bills and almost everything until I pay off my school loans. He is fine and dandy about it. He and I talked about it before I moved in (sold my house) and I have since cut my loans in half.
If he were not comfortable with it, I would understand, but if your guy knows you are not free loading him then go for it. But after a thorough talk.
I always remind my guy, though, that loans can be paused very easily if he ever were to need me to do my part.
Post # 34
If I lost my job and I am living with a boyfriend (so that would presume that it’s a pretty serious relationship), and he does not offer to help out until I could get back on my feet, I would DUMP him. I find it super gross that someone you’re with would not consider your circumstances,and especially if they are able to help.
Post # 35
A few bees have mentioned that I shoud get something in writing and form an agreeement with him. I’ve often thought about this because I truly have not a leg to stand on here. Even once I find a job, it’s still his house and I’m living there under his roof with no real assets to my name. Which, in my opinion is kind of freeing to some degree after 20 years of home ownership and fixing crap that I hated spending money to fix, lol, etc.
But, I also know that the older I get, I want to have something to show for my efforts. Right now, I’m ok with how we are. He doesn’t want to get married to anyone ever again. He is all about money and he lost a lot in his divorce so he’s not about to enter a marriage in the future. I’m good either way. I would remarry if I felt it was the right person and right thing to do or I could stay in a long term relationship and stay committed for a very long time.
With all that said, I need to firstly get a job and then I need to get my bf and I to write up an agreement. I’ve seen/heard how he treated his ex once she filed for divorce. It wasn’t pleasant and he made sure that he got his fair share and, in my opinion, I feel like he screwed her. He was in his right to do things the way he did because it was legally fine……but I feel that his vindictive nature got the best of him and that they both fought unfairly and were mean to each other. Divorce is never pretty and I, personally, don’t want to go that route ever again. If we aren’t married and things end with my bf, it will be hard to move out and start over, but it will be a hell of a lot easier than splitting up a marriage and the legal mess that comes from it.
I love the man dearly. I see that he loves me and it’s been more clear just how much he supports me and makes accomodations for me, and how he reaches out for me as well as being available to me when I need comfort and support. For today, things are good. But, as others have said, maybe I need to protect myself and maybe he might feel better about protecting himself, as well? Not sure how to bring this up or how or where to go to have it written up, but I do feel it would be something that gives me a bit of peace when it comes to my relationship uncertainties.
Post # 36
andromeda99 : Past is prologue. I’m sure his ex thought she didn’t need to protect herself and then got whallopped.
If he’s all about money, he won’t lose here, either. Don’t assume he isn’t going to keep tabs of what you “owe” him. Be careful of any bills you put in your name. Yes, it’s his house… and yes, its a relief. Not wearing a seatbelt is also freeing.
Post # 37
I think one of the major difficulties with non-legal partnerships is that when you’re sharing your life with someone that often means splitting up ways that you contribute to your relationship – he may cover more of the finances, while you cover more of the home and life care for example. Then, if you split up he will still be able to get used to not having someone helping him at home, but will you be able to survive on your earnings alone?
Even when it’s not a stay-at-home situation, if you’re living your life as part of a partnership it’s natural not to set yourself up properly for independence. You may ease off on pushing your career forward only to find yourself playing catch up 10 yrs down the line.
I’m not saying you need to get married, but if you’re not going to enter some kind of legal partnership it’s better not to fall into a situation where you’re dependent on them in any way that isn’t immediately reversable.
Post # 38
coffeecakez : THIS- all of this you’ve said.
Love is great and so is verbal support and encouragement in the midst of hardship but making practical decisions for our own stability and financial well being is also wise. Bottom line- women are the ones most likely to end up living in poverty in our senior years and a lot of that has to do with poor planning, being overly generous when we should not and trusting people when we should not.
Post # 39
coffeecakez : Exactly. One thing his ex told me was that he is very calculating when it comes to finances. She warned me. But, his ex is extremely dramatic and I dont’ know that I trust every single thing she says either. I just take the information and stick it into my brain somewhere for future reference and remind myself that he has a plan.
As a matter of fact, I have to talk to him about something financial that’s coming up in March, our trip to New Zealand. He wants me to take my cash that I have in a firebox here at the house and exchange $1000 for New Zealand dollars. I’m not sure we need that much cash when most of the outings we’ll most likely do can be charged on our credit card. Now, I’m totally OK with paying for my share of the excursions and day trip stuff since his company is covering our airfare, hotel, dinners, and a few other expenses. I’m guessing the trip will cost me about $500-$700 of my own money but I’m really not OK with just turning ALL my cash over to New Zealand dollars and I can already see the argument we’re going to have about this.
Damn….I really need to find a job. He’s also putting presusre on me regarding our car situation. He has a 2014 Jeep Cherokee that he uses to pull a small camping trailer. I drive an older convertible BMW with high miles. If I get a job that requires a bit of a commute I will need to get a new/newer car or one that is less expensive to repair since my warranty is nearly up with BMW. Anyway, he keeps talking about how I should get an SUV, one that can tow since his Jeep is getting higher in miles and he ordered the new Tesla, which is a sedan and due out in the summer of 2018. Umm, why do I have to be the one to BUY a car that YOU can use to pull something that I don’t use, didn’t purchase, etc? It’s like he wants us to be a big family unit, but he’s unwilling to commit to marriage and combining finances but he has no problem using my resources to make his life better……Am I perceiving this right? Because, sometimes when he talks about the car situation or wants me to PAY money for something (and I’m not talking about footing the bill for a dinner out, which I’m happy to pay for if he asks) the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.
Obviously, love is never enough to make a relationship work. UGH….
Post # 40
coffeecakez : I completely agree with everything you’ve said. And I don’t think that people should move in together until they can have that hard conversation and work as a partnership. I’m married, but I know couples who have been living together for may years, and while they may not have all the same legal protections (I think most of them can be drawn up by a lawyer, though), they consider themselves a partnership and a unit and behave that way. They may not be married, but they are committed for sure.
What I was trying to say in my post is that I think it’s unwise for two people who are in a romantic relationship to live together if they cannot have hard conversations about fiances and emotional labor and do not consider themselves a partnership. Because a lot of people hit a rough patch like this, and then things can turn really ugly.
Post # 41
andromeda99 : You already know the truth. The Ex says he’s calculating, but you aren’t sure she wasn’t being dramatic. He wants you (unemployed person) to change your cash into NZ dollars. You already know that when you get there, he’ll say he doesn’t trust their credit card machines, or ask for cash “since you’ve already changed it” to pay for the small things on your trip. He also wants you (unemployed person) to buy a car that’s pricey to help HIM tow an item, while he gets a cute sedan for himself.
He isn’t thinking about you two as a unit, but as you (individual) as a sucker.
It sounds harsh, but I don’t see what’s confusing here. You’ll be paying less up front for housing and financing the same (or higher) costs down the road to subsidize his choices. Net net, he isn’t helping you nearly as much as it might seem from the initial offers of support.
If you break up, you’ll have car payments for a more expensive vehicle, less emergency cash and probably a bunch of other little things here and there.
This man lacks the generosity of spirit that trust rests on. You should trust him to do what he has done for a while: use women who love him to make decisions that aren’t in their financial interest.
I’m not saying women who live with men they aren’t married to are making bad choices. I’m saying that when love and money mix, protect your heart AND your wallet.
Post # 42
coffeecakez : Yeah, it often seems that way but when I call him out on it, he usually backs off and changes his tune. Yes, he’s financially motivated but when I turn it around and press him on my ‘take’ on things, he backs off.
UPDATE: I got a job offer yesterday and start January 2nd with better pay than what I was making before. But, I will have to buy a better commuter car and, yes, the bf and I will be having a discussion about vehicles at some point. I refuse to buy a gas guzzler when I’m looking at a 45 minute commute. If he wants to get an SUV, he can replace his current SUV and cancel his order on the Tesla. I’m not the one who created this situation. I just need to get to work wtih a reliable vehicle that doesn’t burn gas while I get there.
As for the New Zealand thing…..yeah, that’s just weird but I know his perspective is more about being prepared. My perspective is: take a little less cash, bring all our varying credit cards and carry them in different wallets, money belts, etc and we’ll be fine. And, there’s no reason why I have to use all MY cash to fund this. I can also find out if whatever funds we don’t use can be exchanged for US dollars when we get back. His control of the money crap is starting to really piss me off, though, especially when we’re not married. He uses the domestic partnership thing like it’s a step away from being married, but in my mind…..it’s far from it!
He currently is managing my accounts at my old firm where I got let go from. That’s how the company handled it when they fired me. He makes money on my accounts now and I have a decent amount put away for retirement. He just told me this AM that he’s going to link our accounts at his firm since we’re recognized as domestic partners. I told him that I’d probably have to move my accounts to my new firm since this happened to me once before. He said that if we’re linked, they can’t force him to move his accounts since he’s not an employee of my new employer and if we’re linked I should be allowed to keep my accounts. That kinda ticked me off too. It’s my fucking money and if I want to move it to my new firm, then I can move it to my new firm. I don’t care if I can see his accounts now and how much he has put away. It’s none of my business unless we’re legally joined.
And, again, I go back to thinking I need to get some shit in writing. I’m getting more frustrated as I type this out….UGH.
Post # 43
andromeda99 : At the end of the day, it’s what he is comfortable with. You need to discuss with him and set clear goals and understandings. “In 3 months, I will 100% have a job”. Etc. If you have a timeline to go by, it will make him feel better ‘letting you off the hook’ as it were. Remember, as sh*tty a this is, it wasn’t his fault that you lost your job, so he shouldn’t feel ‘forced’ to help you out, if he can’t.