(Closed) I lost who I was, and I lost him. Advice please.

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
28 posts

I am so sorry to hear this. I do think that how you handle the break up will speak volumes abou your future. If you cut him out now and hurt him he won’t give you a second try wheneve you decide you’re ready. You need to be caring and compassionate to him right now if you plan on something working later. Cutting him out while you work on you then expecting something out of him later isn’t going to work.

Put yourself in his shoes. How would you want to be treated? Probably not like that.

Post # 3
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

My favorite advice on the subject:

How do I date my best friend?
Carefully, only once, and with the full knowledge it could easily destroy the relationship.

I think what’s done is done, it was a failed experiment and you need to stop blaming the way the relationship deteriorated on mysterious outside forces (“too intense too soon”) rather than the fact you two simply weren’t compatible. You fueled the drama with how you behaved and ended up hurting him more, it’s not fair to either of you to make this car crash something that happens more than once. 

Post # 4
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

kornerkat:  I find your post confusing. On one hand, you wish to reconcile.  On the other hand, you refuse to communicate with him?!  I do not think all hope is lost, but this is one of those thinsg where I think it is fair to HIM to decide if you are ‘all in’ or ‘all out’.  Do I think it is possible to start back as best friends, and ‘see’ where it goes from there?!  Sure, but it would be unfair to him, if he is indeed hoping for something more.  I think it is fairly rare, and/or takes a long time for two people to be in a relationship, end it, and then have a friendship.  Hearts and minds have to mend.

However, if you are interested in a relationship, but wish to start fresh/slow things down, then you have to decide what that means, communicate it to him, and then hope he is on board as well.  It sounds like you moved too fast by moving in together.  That IS a huge step, and should never be done out of convienance, but rather due to a committment of taking your relationship to the next step.  (and, I do not mean the next step being marriage necessarily).  

So, for the sake of my post not getting too long, then living in your own places, while renewing your relationship sounds like a logical next step, if the relationship is what you both desire.  Make sure you do some soul searching as to WHY things escalated so quickly.  Is it stuff that can be worked on –  together?!  Or, is it merely because you two are not compatible long-term, in an enviroment where you would maybe (one day) be co-habitating, because eventually – in relationships with long-term potential, that would be step two people take together…in my opinion!

Post # 6
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I would try to continue a frienship, as long as neither of you have romantic feelings for each other; it’s hard to tell whether things will work that way for both of you. But like you said, I would hate to miss out on a rad frienship.

I am a bit confused though. You say you want to be friends, but then you fear that you will be friendzoned. Wouldn’t being FZ’d be the best situation for you because you are trying to get over him? You need to decide what it is that you want because it’s not fair to him to lead him on and let him go again, just because you can’t decide.  

My advise is to focus on yourself. You lost yourself and now you have this wonderful opportunity to do some soul searching and find what makes you happy, without worrying about a partner. Breakups were always nice (after getting over them) because you get to see yourself in a new way and find new interests and whatnot 🙂

Post # 7
4856 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

ok the whole “can we still be friends” thing is just a way to keep you on the back burner while he shops around. As hard as it is, no. Walk away proud and live your life for you right now. I’m really really sorry you’re going through this. 

Post # 8
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

kornerkat:  In my experience, the only way to have a true friendship (and not a “waiting in the wings” situation) with an ex is to reset your relationship by taking a total radio-silence break for as long as you continue to yearn for them.

It sucks. There isn’t any way around that. But it is even worse to have both of you in a half-in, half-out relationship that will cause you more stress and anxiety (and consequently more fighting). When my last Boyfriend or Best Friend and I broke up, I really wanted to still be friends with him because he was (is) a really nice guy. He agreed and we kept seeing each other regularly, however, after a few weeks it became apparent to me that he was hoping we would reconcile. When I started dating my now Fiance, I felt guilty and planned our dates around where I knew my ex wouldn’t be because I didn’t want to hurt him (even though we had broken up!). 

Eventually, I realized I was doing both my ex and I more harm than good and told him we needed to take a complete break in order to reset how we interacted. It broke his heart but in the long run it was the kindest thing I could have done. It gave him time to heal and he is now with a wonderful girl who is a much better fit for him.

It sounds like you guys need some time to yourselves to really think about this situation. Is there anyway for one of you to move out into your own place or in with friends? I think getting some distance (and not relying on each other for living costs) is the best thing you can do to help unmuddle the situation. Then, after some time has passed and the wounds aren’t as new, you can re-evaluate if your needs were being met by the other person or if it is better to stay apart.

Post # 9
34 posts
  • Wedding: December 2015

I was once in that position, and I’m sad to say that we didn’t manage to salvage our friendship.

Much like in your case, he was my best friend, moved in together really quickly, and it was too much too soon as well. We ended things over a really really stupid fight, and it was awful. It wasn’t over anything heinous, so it was hard to get over. I think what you need to focus on is this:

I hope for the future we could reconcile and take it slower —-How do you know he wants the same thing?

My ex wanted to be friends immediately. In fact, two days later it was like nothing had changed. He stilled called me multple times a day, we went for drinks and dinner, went to the movies, and fooled around. Honestly, it felt like we were still a couple — only we weren’t. I didn’t want to bring it up because I didn’t want to rock the boat or pressure him. When it came right down to it though, he didn’t to reconcile. So for my sake, I walked away. Just make sure you want the same things. Don’t sit around hoping to reconcile only to find out that he really has no interest. Do I wish we could have kept our friendship? Absolutely. But after my experience, I do agree with PPs who have said it’s best to take some time apart. Otherwise, you risk muddying the waters and creating a situation you really can’t come back from. If you want a friendship – make sure it’s a friendship. Don’t blur the line.

Having said all of that, I don’t believe in burning in bridges. I wouldn’t go AWOL without explanation. But do take some time for yourself.

Post # 10
2109 posts
Buzzing bee

You need to talk to him about what he wants – does he want to reconcile or does he just want to pursue a friendship?

Until you know where he stands, you won’t know how you need to proceed.

If this man is important to you, don’t stick your head in the sand. Find out exactly where he is at and start from there.

Post # 11
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I wouldn’t count on keeping the friendship, no matter what you do. You can hope that it will happen, but I wouldn’t count on it.

After a mutual breakup with a boyfriend of 7.5 years, we said that we would still be friends, so we continued chatting and interacting fairly normally. It was only months later (when I started dating now-DH) that the ex realized he wanted to get back together with me, and that staying friends had basically allowed him to be in denial and not actually process the breakup. About a month after that, he eventually concluded that he had to cut contact with me altogether.

I think that was harder for me than the actual breakup, especially because it meant that I mostly lost touch with his family and friends, who had obviously become very important to me after such a long time.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that attempts at friendship with former partners can get complicated, even when everyone seems happy with the situation initially.

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