(Closed) i love him but i need advice

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Your husband’s ex can’t break up your marriage unles you and/or your husband let her. I suggest you and your husband talk together to define some reasonable boundaries— how is the ex supposed to communicate with her son (which she has a right to do– and you’ll have to accept that a mother should be able to talk to her kid), and what kinds of things is and isn’t she allowed to speak to your husband about, and how frequently— and then stick to them. You will need to do your part to avoid putting your husband in the middle of two angry women who don’t much care for one another, but if you and he are unified, then she will have no choice but to chill out and stop acting up.  If he continues to give her attention then she will continue seeking it, and if you continue bickering with her, then it will drive a wedge between you and your husband.

 

Post # 4
Member
4005 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You’re thinking your marriage won’t work because your husband’s exwife wants to talk to her child and you don’t want that?

I’m going to be honest – suck it up girl and let the woman talk to her kid as much as she wants. It’s her kid!!

Post # 5
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m sorry but she has every right to see her son. Especially if the only way is through skype. That boy needs his mom in his life and i’m sorry if you get annoyed but it isn’t up to you. 

Post # 8
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

How do you want her to step up as a mother? She lives in Florida and you two are in Texas. What would you like her to do?

Put yourself in her shoes. I’m not saying that you’re wrong and she’s right but imagine your husband leaving you, remarrying and taking your kid halfway across the country. I would be pretty pissed off too.

Try and be the bigger person. I know it’s so difficult but in the end it will be so good for your marriage and especially those kids. I really hope the son doesn’t hear you talk about her this way.

Post # 9
Member
7230 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@ortiz2012:  Yes, if she was in a relationship she would probably have someone else to vent to, which must be very annoying for you. She shouldn’t be using your man as her support system.

However, she has every right to try to “force” a relationship with her young son. If she just dumped him with his father and then wanted nothing to do with him she would be a horrible mother. Unfortunately for you, being with a man who has a child with someone else means having to learn to deal with that other person. There is no way around it. If you really think about it, isn’t it better that she wants to be part of her son’s life? 

Post # 11
Member
943 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@ortiz2012:  like they say, you can divorce your wife but you can never divorce your child’s parent…meaning you need to find a way to deal with her because unless she decides to give up custody completely, stop all contact and be out of the boy’s life, she’s going to be in the mix.

You need to set boundaries–hopefully your husband will be on board–but remember you need to be flexible and reasonable too.  It’s got to be hard on her to be away from her little one without the means to keep flying back and forth to visit.  Have some compassion. 

She needs to respect you too, it goes both ways.  Decide what days/times are good for both sides to Skype, set up a WRITTEN schedule, by email or something, so there’s no “confusion”, and stick to it unless there are totally extenuating circumstances. 

Your husband is going to have to step up and get with the program, and to stick to what you guys agree as well as PP said about making some topics off limits for her to bug him about, he’s going to have to say, “I’m sorry, we agreed not to get into this again” and leave it at that. 

I’m serious when I say you should write this down, try to do it as a group or have your hubby and the ex work it out if she’s going to be argumentative to you.  Not pages and pages of ‘rules’ but just a Skype/visit/phone call schedule and list of topics to avoid.

I’ll bet if you guys stick to a schedule, after a while it won’t seem like such a burden and then the ex will see there are clear boundaries she needs to adhere to–providing your husband enforces them EVERY TIME.  If he is wishy-washy it won’t work.  What’s his take on the situation?

Post # 12
Member
943 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@ortiz2012:  as for ‘never feeling sorry for her’, everyone makes mistakes–giving up custody may have been a huge one on her part but who knows the circumstances? She obviously is regretting it and trying to make sure she doesn’t lose her child.  Please try to find it within yourself to show her some compassion, that may help solve the situation.

If you are constantly projecting a “tough shit lady you made your bed now leave us alone” attitude of course she’s going to be a problematic person.  Try some kindness and see where that takes you.  I can’t imagine it would do any harm and you might feel better about the situation.  Personally I could never feel comfortable being in the way of a parent/child relationship, and if you make it even more difficult for her to reach the boy because you hate her so much, that’s pretty much what you’re doing–interfering and harming her chance to strengthen her bond with her child.  I’d much rather err on the side of kindness than to look back and think I added to an already sad situation.

 

Post # 14
Member
8274 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I would make a schedule for the skype sessions and stick to it. Do Mon/Wed/Fri for an hour after dinner or something like that.

It also sounds like your hubby needs to step it up and set some boundaries with her. If she gave up all parental rights, there’s no reason for her to be calling him and bitching about her life or whatever. Their communication should be about the child and nothing more, IMO. 

Post # 15
Member
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m not quite following here – are you upset that she generally complains, or you’re upset that she wants to skype with her son 4x a week?  4x/week Skype seems pretty reasonable, so I get why she’d complain about not being able to do that.  Even if she doesn’t stick to the schedule, you guys should for the sake of your stepson.

 

 

Honestly this is the sort of thing where you and your husband have to be a united front, and you have to pick your battles with this woman.  She is the mother of your stepson, so there are times where you have to suck it up and let her get her way just to keep the peace.  If she harrasses you or makes unreasonable requests, then your husband needs to calmly and respectfully let her know it’s unacceptable and he’ll talk to her when she’s calmed down.  I think you also need to step back for a bit.  You said you hate her – sometimes when whe dislike people, things they do can push our buttons pretty easily.  When she does something that bugs you, give yourself a second to think about whether or not this is worth getting mad over, or if you’re just primed to get angry over anything she does.

 

 

As much as you hate this woman, you still need to have a civil relationship with her for the sake fo your stepson.  This will mean taking the high road sometimes and sucking it up.  Like it or not, this child should still have a relationship with his mother.  Kids are also smart, and he’ll be able to pick up on the disdain you have for his mother.  Unfortunately, how the mom DESERVES to be treated is an entirely different issue from what’s best for this boy.  It’s also not your place to deal with her, it’s your husband’s.  If how your husband deals with her upsets you, it’s not her fault, it’s an issue with you and your husband.

 

 

 

Post # 16
Member
943 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@ortiz2012:  she can’t blow it off if YOU stick to it.  You don’t have to turn Skype on unless it’s the set time and as long as you have the boy at the computer when the scheduled time comes, you held up your end.

If she blows it, she will learn fast enough that if she misses her “appointment” to Skype then too bad until the next time.  If she really wants a relationship with her son she will eventually get with it and stick to your schedule…IF YOU ENFORCE IT. 

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