I love my fiance, but I'm having some trouble with his hygiene.

posted 11 months ago in Intimacy
  • poll: Am I being too insensitive or am I being reasonable?
    Being too insensitive : (2 votes)
    2 %
    Being reasonable : (106 votes)
    98 %
  • Post # 61
    Member
    914 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    …is he on the Autism Spectrum?  Some of these behaviors sound a lot like some of the behaviors I see kids on the spectrum do.

    Post # 62
    Member
    2298 posts
    Buzzing bee

    imperfectfiance :  there is no “polite” way around this. You’re gonna have to hurt his feelings. He will get over it if he wants to continue the relationship. If you tell him that his disgusting habits repulse you, turn you off, and make you not want to have sex or share affection with him, then he should put his pride aside and stop doing those gross ass things.

     

    No woman would want to be with a man like that, and I GUARANTEE if he didn’t have you anchored by his side already, he would cut those habits in a heartbeat because they would directly impact him being able to find a partner. He is only comfortable being a complete fucking slob just because he feels like you’re gonna stay with him and keep tolerating it.

     

    If he feels like his disgusting habits might make you start pulling away, hopefully he will put his pride aside and fix it. If he doesn’t, then your relationship has way bigger issues…the main one being that he doesn’t prioritize your comfort or pleasure of being in a relationship with him.

    Post # 63
    Member
    4826 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2017

     

    sunburn :  see your point but ppl have died from hurt feelings//suicide. 

    Post # 65
    Member
    1679 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2018

    imperfectfiance :  I’m no doctor but picking things and eating them (ew) doesn’t sound like hygiene so much as some sort of compulsive disorder.  I must admit I’m a picker (not an eater!) Of scabs and pimples and stuff, I don’t even realise I’m doing it.

    I don’t think he should have to shave his pubes if he doesnt want to -as long as he keeps things clean down there.  But you also have every right not to want to do oral if he hasn’t.

    The teeth thing just sounds like pure laziness though.  And is the grossest thing out of all of it, AND will end up costing you a lot of money.  Has he been to the dentist lately?   All you can really do is tell him how it makes you feel, but if he doesn’t change, well you need to decide if it’s a deal breaker or not.  You can’t force an adult to brush his teeth.

     

    Post # 66
    Member
    4053 posts
    Honey bee

    lifeisbeeutiful : I just knew someone would say this. Hurt feelings rarely cause suicide. A feeling of not belonging, pressure, stress, etc all contribute to a suicide. It’s much, much more complicated than this. I could go on but I’ll spare you.

    No one that I’ve ever heard of his died from being told their habits are repulsive. 

    Post # 67
    Member
    886 posts
    Busy bee

    imperfectfiance :  He said he’d “work on it?” How hard is it to brush your teeth every day? How much “work” is it exactly? Toddlers “work on” learning to brush their teeth. It’s not a hard thing for adults to do…

    Sorry but he sounds disgusting. 

    Post # 68
    Member
    8324 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I think l am crossest for you about him having the nerve to chide you when his own habits are so gross . I exclude shaving pubes, neither my h. or l ever would (well I l tidy round the edges for swimming etc) we are of the age and stage that finds it an infantilising look, but each to their own

    l do agree with pp about him ‘working on it’. Nothing to work on, just do it  – or not do it when asked. 

    I think, OP, that rather than get his mother in on such an intimate couple situation, you tell him clearly and without tears, apologies, backtracking or self deprecation that you cannot and will not have sex with him unless and until he attends at least to the teeth. 

     :  

    Post # 69
    Member
    279 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2017 - City, State

    I would leave. Aside from the hygiene, he seems to have an awful and controlling attitude. Being cold and rude towards you cause you brought up how disgusting he is? To me – that’s a “red flag”.

    I know you can’t up and leave, but PLEASE don’t stay with him because it’s easy and he takes care of you. There are plenty of men in the world who would love you and your daughter…YOU need to take care of yourself.

    Post # 70
    Member
    1135 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

    imperfectfiance :  he should put reminders on his phone with a loud alarm. I don’t think he is going to remember brushing his teeth otherwise. 

    Honestly, I’m so grossed out by your post that I am lost for words. I feel so sorry and so upset on your behalf!

    Post # 71
    Member
    116 posts
    Blushing bee

    How are you doing? 🙁 any updates?

     

    Post # 72
    Member
    531 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2019

    If he’s got coworkers I guarantee you’re not the only one bothered by this. In training for my current job there was a fellow trainee who picked his nose. Like knuckle deep right in the little training room that had 15 people in it. Everyone in there noticed. When I sat next to him I wanted to vomit. It happened every day. I’m sure they’re noticing his breath and teeth as well. My former coworker was married and I always wondered how his wife put up with that or what it was like at home. Make him a dentist appointment – he might have cavities that need fixing and they can give him some education. And I hope you’re not kissing him when he isn’t brushing. If you are, id stop and tell him you don’t until he brushes both in the morning and at night. As for the picking and … the rest, if I had to see that I’d honestly blow up about it because I just can’t handle people’a snot. And it’ll be a lot better coming from you than if his boss has to address it. One of my fiance’s fellow supervisors had to address a hygiene issue with an employee and I’m sure it was super uncomfortable for the both of them. It’d be better to come from a loved one. 

    Post # 73
    Member
    1296 posts
    Bumble bee

    imperfectfiance :   I think you have to accept him having pubes, that is natural and his choice . But you need to gently confront him on hygiene  and tell him.how important those things are to your relationship. And I’d buy him some awesome bodywash. Lol. 

     

    Ps I also noticed my fiance picking skin and eating. I called him on it and he denied it. Now I see him.catching himself before.he does it. Your fh probably is doing it.out of habit, subconsciously. 

    Post # 74
    Member
    1296 posts
    Bumble bee

    imperfectfiance :  honestly I think it’s ultimatum  time. Tell him how important  this is. And set a timeline  for change. If that doesnt work..m final option is counseling??? 

    Post # 75
    Member
    1296 posts
    Bumble bee

    imperfectfiance :  honestly I think it’s ultimatum  time. Tell him how important  this is. And set a timeline  for change. If that doesnt work..m final option is counseling??? 

    imperfectfiance :   also, I have been in your situation. But still tell him it’s a deal breaker . You can break.up/stop physical emotional relationship prior to you leaving. Take time to get your individual  lfie together get first if you need to leave. Lean on resources and supporters 

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