I Love my husband but want to live on my own!!

posted 2 months ago in Married Life
Post # 136
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee

OK Bee. Now we are at the point where we no longer worry about how he will feel about things. We need to change that mind set. We don’t worry anymore about what he thinks, how he will react, what other people will say. We worry about you and how you feel. Embarrassment is a non issue.  Do you get on well with his sister? You say you have done this before? What you make clear to her is that you need a break from your husband and a shoulder to rest on for a while. Things are not going well.You are unhappy and need a place to gather your thoughts. You do not need to expand at this time if you not wish to. Tell  her you hope that she understands and that you are feeling extremely fragile right now and really, really REALLY do not want to speak to him so they don’t phone him and invite him over. We DO NOT CARE about how upset he will be if you tell his family. Emotional loyalty to your husband no longer matters. You are a person worthy of a happy life. Don’t lie in bed and listen to him bluster and fluster about trying to make himself a poor little put upon husband. Pack a bag and leave. Please bee. Don’t expose yourself anymore to this egocentric facsimile of a man.

Post # 137
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee

waltybear : I highly recommend reading “Controlling People” and “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans. You will be able to recognize what you’ve known subconsciously for a long time about why your husband’s behavior is so problematic. If you are not able to leave your house, you can at least start taking care of yourself and learning not to dismiss your own needs. Please don’t give up.

Post # 138
Member
10670 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

waltybear :  

Bee, you can contact the DV Hotline or you local DV facility and just chat.  Emotional abuse is real abuse, Bee.  It is incredibly damaging.  Do you think there is a chance that your sister would understand?

Your husband is going to pull out every stop to play victim and try to regain full control over you as soon as he senses that you are slipping the leash.  Brace yourself.  It should be Oscar worthy.

You don’t have to decide anything right this second, Bee. You and your therapist can begin working on an exit strategy.

Start thinking of ways to bring in your own money, if you have to do it remotely.  If you’re in the US, a lot of companies hire customer service agents to work from home.  I suspect that once you have some kind of earned income, you will feel much better and more empowered.  Stash every cent into your private Freedom Fund.

The Patricia Evans book may be very helpful for you.  The one thing that I have to criticize Evans about is her advice on how to attempt to get verbal abusers to change their behavior.  That is terrible and potentially dangerous advice.  All physical abuse begins with verbal abuse.  And there are no techniques, trucks, or gimmicks that make abusers quit abusing.  

The stories from victims are very good reads, however.

Post # 139
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee

sassy411 :  Women in OP’s position don’t call DV hotlines because they don’t define what’s happening to them as abuse, that’s why I think Evans’ books are so helpful. Those books saved my life. I was depressed and suicidal for years thinking that I was the one with the problem. You are right, there are no gimmicks to change anyone else’s behavior but you can’t even begin to get help for yourself if you’re not aware of the actual problem. 

Post # 140
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee

waltybear :  also, my abuser faked having a stroke to try to get me back in his life so I understand what you’re going through

Post # 142
Member
38 posts
Newbee

waltybear :  Thank you for constantly updating us. It might not be fair that the lady has to leave ,but for your own sake, leave .Run. Flee- just go and be happy. I hope we see that update soon .

Post # 143
Member
10670 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

widget01 :  

I don’t disagree at all. Evans’ books are a good place to start.  Do you know if she still runs a message board?

Post # 145
Member
754 posts
Busy bee

 

Instead of trying to own two homes, try taking separate vacations. Go somewhere alone with a tour bus. And push him (I am sure he might not want to!) to do that also. 

What you are looking for, as you said is your OWN SPACE. It doesn’t have to come in the form of a separation. It can come from temporary adjustments. 

As unfortunate as this thought is, one day he will be gone. And you might hate yourself for thinking about wanting to be away from him. But everyone requires their own space, and you will be able to achieve that without hurting him.

EDITED TO ADD: I obviously didn’t read the last few pages, so don’t know what happened. I am going back to read the entire thread now. 

Post # 146
Member
754 posts
Busy bee

 

Bee, I just read all the pages of this thread.

Well, you have certain limitations that are preventing you from leaving like no money, no job, insecurity, etc. etc.

Those are the lines we read.

What is in between those lines is that you have ‘nowhere to go’. Period.

And you need to work with what you have, not with what you don’t have. And right now, all you have is the house you are in, which includes your hubby, and both of you are paying the mortgage. It is a very unfortunate situation, but it is what it is. So let’s work with that…

START IGNORING HIM. 

Stop talking to him. Stop cooking for him, or if you are cooking and it’s just as easier to cook for two, then of course do it. But by all means, don’t put it on a plate for him.

Start doing as less as possible without having the home go in to diarray. For example, do NOT do his laundry.

This will start to set strong boundaries for him that you are there, but NOT THERE anymore. 

The less you engage him in conversation, the better. It takes a lot of courage to speak up, but even more courage to keep your mouth shut. It’s an automatic response to either defend yourself when someone’s talking smack about you, or get emotional. (This is the strength you will achieve internally and therapy will help you to get there. In mean time, do your best.)

And you are right, why the hell should YOU leave?! You made this house in to a home. You raised your children there whom you carried in your tummy for 9 months. You also do the cooking, cleaning, etc. And he may also, but there’s ONE thing that sets you apart from him…. and that’s the fact that you do not gas light him. So HE needs to GTFO.

And if he can’t get out, then at the very least, he can be reduced.

Post # 147
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee

waltybear :  How are you bee? Are you looking after yourself and your future?

Post # 148
Hostess
3838 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

waltybear :  Bee, if my siblings, cousins, or friends came to me and said they needed a place to stay for a while, I would welcome them with open arms without even asking why.  If they told me that their spouse treated them terribly, I would only be more supportive and protective of them.  I’m sure that one of your family members or friends would do the same.  No one wants the people they love to be hurting.  Hope that you’re being kind to yourself and working on your exit strategy.  

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors