I Love my husband but want to live on my own!!

posted 3 months ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
6 posts
Newbee

I usually never post but this is exactly what my husband and I are planning in the future. We love each other and have no desire to separate but when it comes to living space we are polar opposites in basicslly anything; from how much furniture to what kind of decoration to how often to clean to i dont know what; we have been trying to compromise but its a source of constant contention and we are both people for who this is a really big deal. So we decided to eventually buy  a house that has two units and while we still eat together etc each of us will have our own property to do with as we please. It has made a world of a difference in how we view life together. So you are not alone 😉

Post # 17
Member
1350 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

waltybear :  You can’t afford to live on your own and you don’t want to end your relationship anyway… so, sorry, but this sounds like something you just need to work through and get over. Everyone has fantasies but the extent to which you’re indulging yours is not healthy when there’s no chance of it coming true. 

It sounds like your life is pretty good. Try focusing on all the things you *have* instead of what you don’t have. Look into cognitive behavioural therapy to help redirect your thoughts into more productive avenues.

Is moving to a lower cost of living area an option? Maybe you could get a bigger house elsewhere to afford you more private space. If not, your best bet is to get your husband and yourself more involved with community activities, so that you get more time alone. It’s okay to want alone time, and to ask for that outright.

 

Post # 18
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

some people just dont do well living with others. Im one of them (my home is my private sanctuary) my fiance similar to so my fiance has a small place in his parents back yard that he can retreat too, hes here most of the time but knowing that its there helps because living on top of another person is hard work.

I dont think living seperate has anything to do with love, my parents lived seperate all my childhood as the both had gone through devorce and didnt want to combine assets so it makes complete sense to me.

Everyone needs space sometimes. Men often have ‘Man Caves’ like a shed or den etc… could you get yourself a summer house for the garden or something thats just for you?

Post # 19
Member
6771 posts
Busy Beekeeper

If you are both still working is there a way to work opposite schedules, so that he is at work when you are home and vice versa? 

Separate bedrooms? A regular hobby outside the house? Stay in an airbnb every now and again to re-center?

Some people just need more space, it sounds as if you aren’t getting enough. How can you carve out more within the life you have? 

Post # 20
Member
10854 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

waltybear :  

I’m feelin’ ya, Bee.  No answers, but, I get it.

Post # 21
Member
320 posts
Helper bee

Are you sure that you’re really in love with your husband? If you’re with the right person, you enjoy the quiet downtime at home as well as dinners out and vacations. It sounds like you enjoy him planning special things for you and spending money on you, but you don’t actually want a life with him. Have you considered that this isn’t the right guy for you?

Post # 22
Member
3732 posts
Sugar bee

This is more common than you may think, OP. I agree with others that you should create some kind of personal retreat for yourself. Whether it be your own bedroom, she-shed, or whatever you can afford, it sounds like it would do you a world of good. You could talk to your husband about how you enjoy alone time and a safe space, and though you love him dearly, it’s important for you to have something that is all your own.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.glamour.com/story/living-apart-together-couples/amp

Post # 23
Member
182 posts
Blushing bee

I know one couple who does this.

The wife is in the main bedroom upstairs, the husband in the spare bedroom downstairs.

They started living on different floors after the children moved out.

Post # 24
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

helixthecat : things aren’t always so absolute. Just because one person might love the quiet downtime at home with their SO doesn’t mean everyone does. Plus- they are in their 60’s and have raised a family, they are a little past this might not be the right guy for you.

OP I think there are a lot of options besides just owning a separate home since you can’t afford that option. I love the she shed idea!   

Post # 25
Member
6232 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

waltybear :  OP- have you heard of couples doing LAT? Living Apart Together? You should look into it. My husband and I have been together for almost 13 years and have only lived together full time for one of those years (the first year of our son’s life – 8 years ago). I LOVE IT and I highly recommend it to women who desire to explore it and have the resources to do it.

So- I don’t think it has to be a sign that there’s anything wrong with you that you long for a space of your own. As someone who has it (and whose relationship is extremely strong and solid as a result), I can say that it alleviates a lot of the pressure and I really enjoy looking forward to seeing my husband on the days when he comes home. We have loving and connected conversations (by phone or video chat) on the other days.

Is there a separate room in your home that you could take over as your own space? 

Post # 28
Member
363 posts
Helper bee

waltybear :  I’m not a doctor by any means but if you had an otherwise great relationship and these thoughts only started popping up in the last few months or years then I’d consider seeing a doctor to get blood work and other tests done. Mental shifts are often a sign of physical or mental illnesses. I’m not trying to scare, insult or minimalize your feelings but your posts paint a somewhat scattered mental picture.

Post # 29
Member
9733 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I think you need to get into therapy. ASAP.

You say in your OP you’ve been feeling this was for “awhile” is that months? A year? More than a year? I get the impression from your post this is a somewhat sudden/new desire. The fact that it’s so strong that you are considering self-harm is very alarming and I agree with the above poster that you should rule out physical illness as well.

I also think you need to be honest with your husband. 

Post # 30
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2022

My mom went through this about 5 years ago. She talked to my dad about her feelings. She made sure he knew that she still loved him so as to not offend him. They talked about how to make it happen together. Eventually they sold their house and they bought two small condos in the same neighborhood. They are about a one minute walk from his front door to hers. They spend all their time together and will stay over at each other’s place often, but have their own place to call home. They are happier and stronger than ever. They are both very independent but still very much in love. I think they would have driven each other crazy if they continued to live together full time. They have both come to love this arrangement. I think this honestly saved their marriage. They were driving each other crazy sharing a living space. They are now happier than ever. I think you and your husband would benefit from having a similar arrangement. If you do not have the funds to each buy your own condo, look at renting two units in the same complex. Talk to your husband about your feelings. It may take time for him to come around to the idea, but he may realize it is what works best for you as a couple. Good luck!

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