Post # 46
waltybear : circling back around to say definitely look into getting some support for yourself, OP. Also, you may need a check up on the dynamics of your relationship. A couple of your posts make it sound like your husband just makes assertions and you obey them rather than both of you having a valuable and respected perspective in your marriage. I wouldn’t want to live in a house with that person, either.
If your desire is strong enough that you’re considering self harm 1- you need to recognize that this situation is serious and do something about it. This is your life and it doesn’t sound like your husband is going to be open to a non traditional arrangement without you being really firm about it. 2- get the physical and/or mental support you need from qualified professionals. asap. 3 – figure out some workable solutions to creating an arrangement that works for you both. This current arrangement is not working for you which means it’s not working for your marriage. Even if your husband isn’t aware of it.
Last thing – how much knowledge and control do you have over your finances in your marriage? I’m curious why it was that you got an apartment and your husband said “we can’t afford it.” and just it went back right away? That story was very telling on a lot of fronts.
Post # 47
waltybear : I think you need to answer some of the bigger questions at play here:
– Are you working and earning money? If not, would you be willing to start? If you are, maybe an additional income would be necessary.
-Is there something else at play here?
-Are you willing to take steps to actually make this happen?
Post # 48
Could you stay at a friend’s or family members home for a few weeks to see if your anxiety decreases and happiness increases? It could just be that you can’t live with your HUSBAND anymore and are fine with someone else. In that case there’s a whole other issue. You need therapy asap of you’re thinking of self-harm.
Post # 49
Bee, it sounds as if you are in a lot of pain. Far more than just needing some space of your own. There are few feelings worse than trapped.
If you’re feeling like hurting yourself, you do have to reach out for some help, Bee. The relief that brings is very short lived; ultimately, it will make you feel much, much worse.
You may have options of which you are not aware right now. Fear and depression trick us into believing there are no safe off ramps. In reality, this is never true.
But, first, it’s urgent that you get your depression treated. Nothing else in your life will work until that is managed. You wouldn’t start a new dance class when you had food poisoning, right?
Don’t try to rush to solutions right now. Moving into the basement, getting a yurt, or pitching a tent in the backyard are not answers right now. Focus on getting healthy and strong. That’s what will ultimately bring you the clarity you need.
There are reasons for the way you feel and they are absolutely, completely, 100% valid.
You are not trapped, Bee. You have never been trapped. Just because the exits are not clear right now doesn’t mean that they aren’t there. Nor does it mean that reclaiming your freedom would be an easy road, if that is what you ultimately choose. Just know that the choice is yours. You have the power to determine what your future looks like. And you have plenty of time to make it happen.
Post # 50
Since you are in your 60’s I am assuming you are retired . . .
Post # 51
Wow, sorry wasn’t trying to offend, nor did i think that could possibly offend anyone, I was making an assumption since we don’t have all of the information, I was in no way trying to be insensitive to the situation, just trying to look for some possible solitions if she was in fact not working. Retirement age where I am from is between 60-65 60 being when you can begin collecting early decreased benefits, and 65 full benefits. Everyone in my life who is over 60 is retired, that is not to say everyone should be. sassy411 :
Post # 52
I understand what you are looking for bee. Peace.
Somewhere that you can do as you please, dress as your please, come and go as you please and no longer worry about anyone else’s demands, emotions or desires. Where you can just be you, fully relaxed and at ease in your own space.
It sounds like you have been married for a long time and although you care about your husband, you really want to be apart from him for most of the time. You just want him as a friend and companion when you feel like company.
The lifestyle you want takes two people to agree to it. Have you been clear with him with how you feel? Why you felt strong enough about this to get a bolthole? You apparently do not want to hurt him but if you really want to change the way you live, that may happen. He needs to understand how serious you are about this. That it is not a whim.
Your continued existence is so much more important that hurting anyone’s feelings.
Get help. See a therapist no matter how you think your spouse may feel about it. Do it. Work through options. Cherish yourself. Don’t give up. You are entitled to your dreams. They may not match your spouses dreams but they are no less important.
Post # 53
Bee I am sorry your hurting.
It sounds like to me anyway that you want to seperate from your husband put you can’t say the words because it will hurt him to much. Those words are very powerful, it means the end. I may be wrong, I hope I am. I can hear it in your words “I want to live seperaltly from him”, “I am not happy living with him”. It’s ok to feel this way. Your children are grown and gone. Now it is just the two of you. You both have raised your children and sometimes we lose our marriage along the way and think that after the kids are gone it will come back. Maybe with some therepy it will or maybe it won’t. I am more worried about you and harming yourself. There is a suicide hotline if you need someone to talk to. They are there 24/7 they can help you. Please get yourself some help. This does happen in marriages your not the only one. Some couples can live apart and it works for them. It may work for you two. But from what you said, when you got the apartments he was angry about it. I am not sure if that was because of the money or it also was because he wanted you to be in your house with him. I am sure your head is spinning right now. I feel so sad for you that you are going through this. I am sending a hug to you. Please keep us posted bee on whatever you do.
Post # 54
I’m surprised so many bees are saying this is normal, because it’s really not, being so desperate to not live with your own husband that you feel anxious around him, depressed and are thinking about self harming is not in any way normal, no matter how long you’ve been married or how old you are.
OP is clearly extremely miserable in her relationship, but doesn’t want to end it completely maybe due to fear of people’s reactions, upsetting her family, upsetting her husband, being lonely etc. So her moving out and seeing him occasionally is a preferable option, but that’s not a marriage, that’s having a friend or a companion. So unless her husband wants to end their relationship he’s probably not going to agree to that, and I doubt most people on this thread would either if their husbands’ proposed such a situation.
I think she needs to be honest and really examine why she feels this way and make a decision to either work on her marriage or end it, because what she is suggesting is a band aid masking the real problem and is unfair to her husband.
Post # 55
waltybear : If you can’t afford two homes, but want a space of your own so bad you’d settle for one the size of a shoebox, just take a room in the house for yourself.
ETA; Saw your update. It would be incredibly selfish for you to expect to pay for two mortgages with income that includes your husband’s money. It was also wrong to rent an apartment without consulting with him. If you would not be happy with the solace and escape of a room of your own and are going so far as to say you also need your own kitchen, bathroom, and your own key to your own front door – to the point of considering self harm, you need to seek help. Immediately.
Post # 56
See, what confuses me is, what’s stopping you from decorating the kitchen/living room you have now? Are you not allowed to redecorate anything? And why can’t you walk into your home and relax? Does your husband judge you? After so many years of marriage, how are you not able to be yourself around him?
I echo that this is clearly beyond just needing your own space. There’s something underlining there that needs to be discussed with a professional, not strangers online.
Post # 57
- Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey
Hi bee, I haven’t read the whole thread so you may have adressed to it but I totally get your wish for independence. A Room of One’s Own by Woolf, this situation reminds me of. Actually I know couples who live apart but still happily married even in the same city.
My mother has gone through that phase as well. We were fortunate to have that opportunity because almost for a year my mom and I stayed together. She’d come to sleep at night and work at her hobby garden (Dad hates gardening), we were at another house literally 3 minutes by walking from my father’s but hey it worked wonderfully! This may have even saved my mom from madness, she felt like trapped. 2 years have passed since that breaking point. Now I no longer live in that house but my mom goes there every day and spends time with pets. I’m so glad for this.
One more incident I’ve come across recently was that people actually start to sleep apart when they’re older, like if you have at least 2 beds somewhere in the house you could do that. I was surprised at the beginning and my husband was like ‘Of course they sleep in different bed, come on they’re 60+ and it’s hot. One person is snoring the other one is a light sleeper. ‘ etc.
I wrote these down to support you in a way that you’re not alone in this. I’m sure that’s quite normal after sooo many years. I hope you’ll find a way to help you.
Post # 58
sassy411 : “Since you are in your 60’s I am assuming you are retired . . .
In the US average age that women retire is only a few months into their 60s so I don’t know why you’re acting like the assumption is so outlandish.
Post # 59
- Wedding: October 2012 - City, State
I don’t know why but I feel “afraid” I am paralysed to do anything for myself. My husband is busy. There’s a lot of coming and going. As I said it’s not his fault. I do sleep in a different bedroom sometimes so it’s not that. I just feel afraid. I find it difficult to cope with his clothes thrown around. Not tidying up after himself. But again these are small things. Everything about him annoys/irritates me. Everything. But he’s not untidy. He does a fair amount of household chores. I feel very alone. I would like to travel, etc. I’m spontaneous and he’s the opposite to the point where it drives me mad. I feel like a child around him. I really do feel everything is on his terms in our marriage. I just feel tired of the drudgery.
Post # 60
waltybear : It sounds to me like you guys need to get a divorce. Sorry to be so blunt and don’t usually “jump to the dump” (Carrie Bradshaw reference, anyone?!) but it sounds like you want two different lifestyles completely. Now is the time to do it if you’re going to.