(Closed) I love you but…(first big fight)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8882 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I’m not going to judge you, at least you were open enough to share your feelings. But you need to call him and talk to him. Tell him you love him with all your heart and that you want to talk this out. Do what you can to save the relationship!

Post # 4
Member
664 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Honestly, I think you and him just need time.  If he loves you as much as you love him he will be back around.  Just give him a day or two before you start calling him.  Also, think about what YOU want.  Why do you want to live alone?  Why do you want to be with him?

There shouldn’t be a BUT in love.  Sometimes it is said though, especially in the heat of the moment. 

8 months isn’t that long to be dating, so I think you have a right to want to live by yourself and he should understand that.

Post # 6
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Are you being totally honest with yourself and him? You really just all of a sudden felt the need to live alone and gain independence?

I can’t blame him for feeling really hurt and assuming you don’t want to be with him anymore since you were so gung ho about it before.

I think you guys were fast into the relationship and got very serious quick. Perhaps you guys need more time and he will probably needs some space. The best thing to do, if you really do love him regardless of that he said but ( my guess is he is protecting himself from the blow) is let him know you still want to be with him and take it slow. Enjoy dating and getting to know each other. When your absolutely sure you want to get married, go ahead and discuss about moving in.

Sorry your going through this! Hoping for the best!

Post # 7
Member
491 posts
Helper bee

I think you put him in a really tough spot. 

I think it would have been reasonable if he had said something like “I love you, but I just don’t know what you want from me.” I personallly don’t think you can put too much into that statement alone – especially after you told your boyfriend of 8 months you didn’t want to live with him after were the one that insisted on it in the beginning. 

Personally, I think “I love you, but” is a lot nicer of a statement than something I would have said in the same position. 

Post # 9
Member
8882 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Dizbee:  Oh wow, I’m sorry he reacted like that. I honestly think that’s a very harsh reaction. He shouldn’t be swearing at you. Maybe he just needs a day or two to cool off before he can sit down and talk with you.

Post # 11
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

i tell my fiance “i love you, but…” all the time. usually it’s “…but if you don’t take out the trash i’ll kick your ass.” and then we go on about our business. i don’t think he meant “but” as in, he won’t love you… more like you have to not change your mind on important decisions like this or it’s gona screw up the relationship. you need to think and figure out what you really want before you start trying to work things out. i’d try to talk to him. i don’t really understand the wanting to live alone thing, but if that’s what you want, you need to make sure it’s really because u just want that experience and not because you want to stall the relationship and not move so fast.

that being said, i understand why he’s mad. i’d be so embarassed if i moved out of a house full of my friends to live with a guy, and then have to explain to them why we weren’t living together. “um well, he decided he doesn’t wana live with me anymore”. i’d be mortified. try to feel how he’s feeling right now.

Post # 12
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Honestly, put yourself in his shoes: you asked him to move in, and then for seemingly no reason changed your mind, then you discussed and you changed your mind back…than after a few more weeks you changed your mind again, etc etc. I understand that you were thinking this the whole time, but if you kept bringing it up and then dropping it he probably feels like you’re flip-flopping. I don’t blame him for being angry with you.

I’m not saying you’re wrong. If that’s how you feel then it is important to voice it, and I don’t really think how anyone feels can ever really be “wrong”. The only thing I think you did “wrong” was not to stand by how you felt. That was not fair to either one of you.

Saying “I love you but” is not a reason to end a relationship, or even really to question it in my opinion….I’ve said “I love you but” to Fiance a million times (“I love you, but you drive me nuts when you leave dirty dishes in the sink, I love you but I hate your favourite shirt” etc). Frankly, with all the back and forth you’ve been doing with this guy there are MUCH worse things he could have said or done. It sounds like he’s been relatively patient and has been at least trying to work through this with you.

Give him some time to cool off..maybe a few days even. He is probably really hurt and confused right now, and clearly wants some space. Respect that and then try having an honest conversation, where you don’t let him talk you into anything you aren’t ready for.

Post # 14
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m not judging you, but I don’t really see a positive way out of this – from his perspective, you asked him to move in, and then you ditched him to live alone after he’d made extensive plans to do so. So either you have to let him move in (meaning you won’t be happy), or you continue to block him moving in (in which case, he’s hurt and angry and potentially won’t get over it). I mean, everyone has their first big fight, but this is kind of a big one and it means sacrificing one of your happinesses long-term to get there. It seems you’ve already made your decision by not allowing him to move in, even though you said you’d choose to be his girlfriend – it looks like it’s too late for that. So maybe just respect his space, let him work through those betrayal emotions and see if you can come out on top on the other side.

Post # 15
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

PS – I’m young myself (22) and I think that if you feel that this is something you need to do for yourself at this stage – then I say do it. You may or may not be able to repair this relationship but if you feel this strongly about living alone, it’s potentially truly worth it. My Darling Husband (then BF) moved across the country after HS, we did long distance, and I lived on my own (albeit with roommates) for 4 years, and that independence is something I’d never give up and I wouldn’t feel ready for a commitment without it. Gaining that might make a huge step for you.

Post # 16
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

The ‘but’ part of the statement is actually quite important in this situation for anyone to give a fair statement or advice, regardless of your favourite professors advice.

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