(Closed) I love you but…(first big fight)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
Member
10020 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Dizbee:  I hope you get that this man REALLY LOVES YOU.  You’re very lucky he came back.  I’m sorry, I don’t mean to sound harsh to you, but some of what you’ve posted sounds a little like you’re testing him or playing some kind of game, to get him to “prove” his love for you.  And he seems like a really great guy and is being very patient with you.  He could find a woman who would not treat him this way, so count your blessings. 

Wanting a couple of nights a week to do things yourself is completely normal, and a far cry from wanting to live completely alone and essentially threatening to kick him out.  Also, just because he came back, don’t think that the extent of his hurt is completely erased, because if someone like him (from the way you have described him) has been pushed to the point of pain enough to tell the woman he adores “F-You, don’t touch me,” then it has left a scar, trust me. 

I do wish you all the best and hope things go well for you.  As bookworm88 said, in the future, examine your feelings before verbalizing them, because you can really hurt someone.  That is excellent advice.  The next time you may not be so fortunate.  Personally, I hate wishy-washy people, it just wouldn’t fly with me.  But, good luck.

Post # 79
Member
8882 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I’m glad things worked out and that you were both able to talk things out. Just make sure you both keep the communication open, to avoid this kind of fight in the future.

Post # 80
Member
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

My relationship started off similar to yours. We met and within 3 months I had moved to his city and into his house with him. We knew from the beginning that we were going to be together, it was like this feeling we could not control.

After about a year of living together and getting serious so quickly, I started to feel as though I wanted to experience living on my own/having that young single girl life. I started talking to him about moving out but still dating. He took it hard…he said he wasnt going to wait for me while I played Carrie Bradshaw…either I live the life we have or we would have to break up. I thought it was harsh at the time, but I realized soon after that I was asking him to move backwards in our relationship and it might cause more harm than good. You really need to decide if you want to be with him or if you want to be alone. I realized pretty fast that living alone and being a young, single girl was not what it was cracked up to be. Plus, why would I want to ruin the relationship I had?

I think we all say “I love you but…” in relationships. I love you but: your car is dirty, your shirt looks wierd, your friend makes me crazy, I need some space today. It’s not an abnormal thing. You need to give him some time and hopefully he will come around. I think you got cold feet and then said the wrong things…it’s ok. And he will probably realize it is ok. Tell him you are sorry and really, the rest is up to him.

Post # 81
Member
1274 posts
Bumble bee

@Dizbee:  Hugs. That’s a tough situation. You want to make sure you are self-reliant and independent but you also want to move forward with your man in the relationship. While I do agree and you have said it too – that you could’ve talked it through before asking him to move in and locked things down by him giving his notice to roomies, etc. I also think that ending a relationship on “I love you, but…” doesn’t make sense to me. People say things in the heat of the moment…

Regardless – you two obviously love each other. He’s hurt and embarrassed and upset by your decision(s) and flip flopping so give him some time and hopefully he will come around. Be prepared though – he might not be the most pleasant when talking about the situation – I don’t think I would be if I was in his shoes. 

I fully get having cold feet towards living together permanently. I’ve been there, though for me it was after we had been living together for a few months…

Fiance and I met in Nov 2007, by April I graduated from university and didn’t want to move back to my hometown (parent’s house) so we decided I would move into his apartment. This was great for a few months, but 6 months later (after a move to another city, a new job for me and the stress of moving and commuting to my first big-girl job and him looking for work in a new city) we decided we hadn’t thought out the full consequences of living together and we decided to call it quits and got out of our apartment lease. We stayed together through all of this, because we loved each other but we knew we had to have some space and our own places. It was HARD to do after spending day and night together but we both knew it was for the best. I moved back in with my parents for a few months, saved money and he got a little apartment for himself. I signed a new apartment lease about 20 minutes away from my job and at this time, we talked about moving back in together again and we did just that in April of 2009 and never looked back. He proposed on NYE 2011 and we’re getting married January 2013. So in a nutshell, it CAN work out if there is open communication and if everything is not one-sided. Consider everyone’s feelings and work through it. Best of luck talking with him. 🙂 Keep us posted. 

Post # 82
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@mixtapehearts:  This. All of this. I agree with CallmeC. I don’t think it’s so surprising that after moving at the speed of light with this relationship you’d be like “whoa…” and want to slow it down a little bit. You understand his point of view, now it’s his turn to try to understand yours and if he can’t do that, if he can’t even ATTEMPT to and just throws a fit like a child, then maybe he’s just not the guy you thought he was. 

Post # 83
Member
3115 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

i think we give men a lot of slack here about wanting time/space. we are told we can’t rush them or force their hands and we have to let them come to the proposal on their own. i’m not sure why this is any different.

i think you should do what feels right and your path will surface. yes, you could have gone about it differently, but in the end he needs to be understanding.

Post # 84
Member
679 posts
Busy bee

It looks like the mods forgot to close the threads.

I understand you’ve made the choice and you’re not going to waffle on it anymore, but reading the compromise you came to, I’m seriously confused. 

What did you envision living together permanently to look like? That you’d be glued at the hip 24/7 and never, ever, be alone again? As you’ve basically been living together for the past 7 months, did you never have nights where one or the other of you was out doing your own thing? If so, it is no wonder you felt a bit scared at the thought of making his move permanent! 

Having a few nights/hours to yourself is completely different than living alone, so I hope that, when you agreed to this compromise, you weren’t setting your concerns and feelings aside. I hope that you do not have an unrealistic view of what this will be like in the long-term.

I tend to agree with Bookworm, or whoever said it, that if I were him, I’d be entering back into this very cautiously, in case you flip-flopped again. I hope you know you can never, ever do this to him again. Ever. (I’m sure you do know that!)

If nothing else, please do insist that each of you has your own nights, several nights, per week, where you’re out of the house doing your own thing and leaving the other person to their own devices. 

Good luck.

 

Post # 86
Member
13563 posts
Honey Beekeeper

At the request of the OP, I’m closing this thread.

Post # 87
Member
10849 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

At the request of the OP this thread is closed.

The topic ‘I love you but…(first big fight)’ is closed to new replies.

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