I made a huge mistake and feel sick

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2383 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

I think you have done it. Blocking him is enough. You didn’t send pictures or do anything in person/physical, so consider how lousy you feel, to be your penance. 

It is pretty good, you realized this wasn’t what you wanted to be like, and you shut yourself down. Does anyone else, like one of your friends know about it? I wouldn’t even tell Fiance unless he will probably find out about it some other way. 

I realize this isn’t going to be popular advice, in the eyes of other posters.

Post # 3
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

You obviously aren’t happy in your relationship with your fiance, because if you were you wouldnt have met up with this guy. I feel like subconciously you knew what you were doing. Just cut your losses in your relationshio with your fiance and move on. 

Post # 4
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee

Give your Fiance the way out he deserves.  

You don’t seem emotionally invested in the man you plan to marry.  He deserves better than that.

 

Post # 5
Member
1634 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

I think you wandered off course for a minute and immediately realized it was wrong.  I agree with the PP that said let this guilty feeling be your pennance .  Think about your relationship and if it’s really meeting all your needs. If it is, then move on from this as a lesson learned.  Nothing to be gained by hurting fiance. 

Post # 6
Member
1456 posts
Bumble bee

I am sorry but if you truly loved and respected your fiance this would not have happened. I think you need to take a good look in the mirror and face the truth. Women or men who are in a loving partnership do not have sexually texts with the opposite sex. You know you have made a mistake but you let yourself do it. All life is a choice.

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and your fiance had done this with another woman? 

Post # 7
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I guess I’m a little bit confused — you didn’t talk to him initially because you thought it was inappropriate, didn’t want to meet him for coffee until he clarified it was completely platonic, you went to lunch and it was completely platonic. Those are all good instincts! And then you said the texting conversation turned sexual. What changed? Did you let your guard down because he said he wanted it to be platonic and you believed him, or did you suddenly decide you were attracted to him and wanted more and to throw caution to the wind? I’m just trying to understand where the switch flipped, or if things got out of hand without you making a conscious decision about it.

Also, did you both actively participate in the sexual nature of the conversation, or did he send you inappropriate things and you brushed it off? Was it just suggestive and flirtatious, or was it overt? I ask because men can be really creepy and aggressive, and women can feel unsure how to say no or stop due to societal pressure on women to be “polite” and “give people the benefit of the doubt” and “not make a big deal about things” — so I want to make sure that you’re not blaming yourself for him being creepy when you did not reciprocate his sexual texts. But of course, if you DID encourage his advances and reciprocate them, or even initiate them, then yes that is a bad situation and you are equally at fault.

I do think you should really think about what happened and why it happened — if you’re unhappy in your relationship with Fiance, if this guy gave you things that you weren’t getting with Fiance, if you really want to get married. And then I think you should talk to Fiance about it because he deserves to know, and things like this always come out eventually. I don’t know what he will say or do, but you should figure out what you want to have happen and what is best for both of you before talking to him IMO. You might decide that the relationship should not be salvaged due to your own unhappiness or guilt, and I think it’s important to know that going into this conversation.

Regardless of what you decide and what happens to your relationship with Fiance, I think you should continue to keep Tim blocked. He’s bad news. He lied to you about wanting to be platonic and then sent you sexual messages despite knowing your relationship status. Regardless of whatever kind of connection you had, that dude can’t be trusted and you should be no means break up with your Fiance to pursue a relationship with Tim, in case you considered that thought. 

Post # 8
Member
282 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
ilovelife89 :  This is such BS. People don’t cheat or come close because they aren’t happy or fulfilled in their relationship. They cheat for a million reasons, including things that have nothing to do with their SO. People are attracted to other people, and sometimes people make mistakes. It can be as simple as that.

OP: I agree with PPs that you should move on and be more careful in the future. I’m on the fence about whether you should tell your FI–you know your relationship better than we do.

Post # 9
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

View original reply
lyfe_girl :  Yes it can be a million reasons, or it could also be that they’re unhappy in their relationship. I’m not wrong and you’re not wrong. 

Post # 10
Member
998 posts
Busy bee

You made a mistake. Was it super innocent? No. But it wasn’t something you should be crucified for. You realized what you were doing wasn’t right and put an end to it. 

I read your post to my Fiance and both he and I agreed that you don’t need to tell your Fiance. Just be more alert next time and don’t ignore your instincts. Try to forgive yourself and move on with your life. 

Post # 12
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
throwawayaccount001 :  I think if this were a man saying he engaged in this sort of behavior with another woman, I’d tell him he needs to come clean to his fiancé. So, I’ll tell you the same.

 

Tell your fiancé everything you just told us. The beginning of it seems innocent enough—you just let it get out of hand. You made your choice to engage in a sexually-charged conversation with another man. You allowed another person to intrude into a space that only your future husband should have access to.

 

Unfortunately, you made a bad decision. Now you’ve gotta tell your fiancé so he can make an autonomous decision on how he’d like to proceed with your relationship. If you don’t tell him, you’re lying by omission. Because of that, things will be 1000x worse if he ever finds out on his own. It’s better for both of you if you just come clean now so that he can hopefully work towards trusting you again. 

Post # 13
Member
10554 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I think you made the right decision in telling your fiancé. He deserves to know the truth. I also don’t think what you did is unforgivable. You crossed a line and when you realized that you shut it down. Hopefully, you will both be able to move past this and in the future you will be more cautious. 

Right now, it’s important to let him feel his feelings. Don’t pressure him to move forward or forgive before he’s ready. He needs to process. And recognize that it’s going to take time to rebuild trust in the relationship. Open and honest communication will be important.

Post # 14
Member
282 posts
Helper bee

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ilovelife89 :  I was only taking issue with the use of the word “obviously”

 

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throwawayaccount001 :  So glad this worked out for you, bee! Sending good vibes your way!

Post # 15
Member
1601 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
throwawayaccount001 :  I am a little bit on the fence on whether to tell your fiance about this incident due to whether the truth would be better or just cause nothing but pain. But the problem is he could find out at some point, it will then escalate to a 10x problem you cannot come back from. And personally if I was in his position I would want to know. 

What i do you know is, you need to shut this BS down immediately! I have no problem with being friends of the opposite sex or my partner having those friends but the second there was a connection and it felt another level, that’s when you needed to shut it down. I would cut contact, you guys clearly can’t be friends and it’s making you detour from things. 

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