(Closed) I made a mistake…please help!

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@lifeiscomplicated:  First things first: Did you take a morning after pill?

Also, I don’t understand always being attracted to A FRIEND but yet not thinking about it in a relationship way, that aside

How can you go to a bar with your HUSBAND and leave with someone else?  Something had to have happened there, I’m not sure what your husband was upset about but I’m going to assume he had a right to be upset because of what happened.

Yes you need to tell him (especially if you and “FRIEND” didn’t use protection, he REALLY needs to know), and if he leaves you it sounds like you’ll both be happier that way.

Post # 4
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@lifeiscomplicated:  I think you need to tell your husband. He may choose to leave you or to work through this, but he deserves to know.

Don’t sleep with him until you take an STD test.

I don’t really see the point in keeping this quiet. This wasn’t an accident… you knowingly slept with your friend. If I was attracted to a friend, I would do whatever was in my power to make sure I wasn’t alone with him.

I am not sure if you did this subconsciously as a way to make your husband dump you or whatever, but keeping this quiet isn’t really an option IMO. It’s not like you’re saying “OMG our marriage is perfect and I made this stupid mistake, I can’t bear the thought of my husband leaving me”.

I think you need to deal with the consequences.

Hopefully you’re not pregnant, but if you are, damn right you need to tell him.

Post # 5
Member
1181 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

relationships are built on two things… trust and honesty

 

you clearly broke his trust, now you are considering being dishonest? If you lie, you will loose your relationship with him totally. 

 

you need to tell him. you could be putting his health/life in jeaopardy because you had unprotected sex. 

Post # 6
Member
7649 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I guess you won’t know if you’re pregnant until you can take a test. If you and your husband know enither of you are happy, why do you stay together?

Honestly, if I were your husband you you told me you stayed over at a guy friends house, I would just automatically assume you did stuff even if you didn’t. I would have a hard time trusting, but that is just my personality. I can’t say whether you should tell him or not, but I think you need to have a discussion about your marriage and if you both even want to be married because it doesn’t sound like either of you are happy.

Post # 7
Member
39 posts
Newbee

I just want to start by warning you that most relationships that start with cheating will end in the very same way…That is to say, if you leave your husband for this guy, chances are either you (or this “friend”) will cheat in the future.

And by the way, please consider what kind of a “friend” would allow his friend to damage her marriage in this way? 

That said, it is pretty clear you are unhappy with your marriage, cheating or not. Life is too LONG to be stuck in a situation that makes you miserable. That you were willing to go home with another man and even sleep at his house speaks volumes (just as much, to me, as the more obvious sexual transgression). 

You should tell your husband the truth and, if I were you, seek a divorce.

Other people may suggest you and your husband seek counsuling and I agree with that too. I just think, however, considering the way you typed everything, you are done with this marriage. 

It isn’t fair to hold the truth from him, no matter how much you may dislike him or argue with him. You wouldn’t want him to cheat on you (and lie about it) either. 

Post # 8
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee

Tell your husband, and go from there. It obviously won’t be easy, but he needs to know. I won’t advise you about whether you should continue your marriage, but I’d personally see how my husband reacts. Men tend to be less forgiving of cheating than men, though…

Post # 9
Member
14657 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Izzypig:  +1

You both agree if you could go back, you wouln’t be married.  The marriage hasn’t been happy, the relationship was barely happy.  Instead of something gone wrong where consouling could help save.. it sounds more like nothing was jsut every right and you’ve definitely checked out.  I’d cut your losses short, seek annulment so both of you can move on and find real happiness.

Post # 10
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I think telling your husband would be your best bet. I really dont see why you are together if he makes you so unhappy. Being honest might work out in your favor and you guys can seperate. I would not stay in an unhappy marriage and you are obviously not happy if you are looking at other people. 

Post # 11
Member
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I don’t think you made a mistake. I think you made several conscious decisions that led to something you now regret.

1 – You talk to your guy friend that you have an attraction to on a daily basis.

2 – You stayed at the bar while your husband left

3 – You willingly walked into his home

Honestly, I think this would’ve happened sooner or later. I think you need to definitely come clean to your husband BEFORE you find out if you’re even pregnant. If you want to stay with your husband you need to think about what you will do in the future to assure him that something like this will never happen again – detailed items. If you feel like you should break things off – then I guess it’s better that this happened now vs 20 years ahead.

Post # 12
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

You have not specified what the mistake was, but it sounds like the marriage. You need to look at your MARRIAGE and what led to this incident and be honest with yourself about why you are staying together (or got married in the first place). Obviously you need to tell your husband what happened and be prepared for anything. But beforehand, seriously sit with yourself and go through every scenario  (about your marriage, possible pregnancy, and your friendship) and questions about your relationship with your husband so that you don’t answer or make a decision during a heated/emotional conversation. Also, get an STD test.

Post # 13
Member
5177 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Okay, well, I don’t consider infidelity a “mistake”. You chose to take certain actions that included making a choice to sleep with another man. It sounded like you had some sort of emotional affair going on long before you got to the physical part (and no, I am NOT saying men and women cannot be friends, but it seems like there was much more here). So, take out the “mistake” terminology. This is not a lecture, just a “accept responsibility for your actions” message. You can’t go anywhere forward without that.

I know that often many of the bees on these posts tend to go with the “don’t say anything” route if you are never going to do it again, but I don’t. I go with the “your husband has the right to make his own choices based on the truth”. Not telling him is deciding for him that he is going to stay with you. That is dishonest and selfish. I also am a big believer that honesty is a must between couples. Some couples do choose to work together through infidelity but that has to start with honesty. Without honesty you might as well be strangers. You will never really be relating to each other with any authenticity, and that will always be limiting to the relationship.

Now, all that being said, it sounds like you two are miserable together. It does not sound like you even want to remain together. I still think he has the right to know as he has the right to go get tested and so forth. However, it does not seem that your intention here in not maybe saying anything has to do with wanting to stay together. In your heart do you really want to stay with your husband, because I kind of get the vibe your actions may be part of you finding a reason to get out, though I would not recommend that is the way to do it. 

Do you want out? Because if you do, you need to start thinking of ways to do that, WITHOUT jumping right away into another man’s bed (or arms). And if you want out, then you should not need the excuse of a pregnancy by another man to do it (though, obviously, that is a pretty good reason).

 
What would I do based purely on what you have told us here?

I would contact a divorce attorney and get some legal information.

I would tell my husband that I slept with someone else.  He ought to know for his own health. 

I would not say who. Your friend sounds scummy to have slept with you but he is not the one that made the vows and if you are leaving I don’t think it matters. 

I would tell him I am miserable in the marriage and want out. 

I would tell him I am going to go stay with a friend/family member. 

I would take a pregnancy test when able to.  I would also be getting an STD test.

I would go back and see divorce attorney and get things rolling.

My one addition is that if you are GENUINELY worried about his temper (as in he is abusive and you actually are worried about how he is going to react when he finds out) then I would consider just leaving when he is not home, and having friends and family help me. And I would let him know AFTER I have left and am in a safe place. 

If you DO want to stay together, it is going to require a lot of work on both your parts. Not just to heal from the affair, which you still need to be honest about, but to address the other issues in your marriage including the anger/temper. I don’t even know where to start with that. His anger is something HE needs to address and he needs to want to address. Does he see his anger as an issue? You both are going to need some individual counseling and joint counseling if that is even a consideration.  Oh, and if you do want to stay together, he does have to know who you slept with and you are going to have to end that friendship. Full stop. 

Post # 14
Member
6123 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

“My husband and I are not happy together.  We have both said if we could go back we wouldn’t have got married when we did.  “

 

Honestly, I would just get a divorce or annulment and not tell him the secret.  I don’t think there is a need to tell him you slept with this other guy (assuming you haven’t slept with your H since then).  The marriage is broke, was broke before you even got married.  Just end it already with him.  You’ve already checked out.

When you have a foundation of a relationship that already so cracked and unstable, adding this news is in no way going to make anything improve.

 

It kind of sounds like you could get hurt if you even share this info honestly.

Post # 15
Member
4575 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@lifeiscomplicated:  sorry you are going through this.  I am never been in this kinda situation, but no judgements at all…we all make mistakes…i m the first to say iam not perfect and had made mine.  However, if you already feel unhappy with your Darling Husband then its divorce an option? or maybe separation?  Sounds like both of you aint happy with each other.  Also, do you think if you tell your Darling Husband what happened that would be the end?  If so, are you ready for that?  Are you late? have you talk to your guy friend abou it? does he feel the same for you?  You really should just get out of your chest and talk to Darling Husband, GL and best wishes.

Post # 16
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@lifeiscomplicated:  problems with your husband aside…. I agree with the other poster and need to know: did you take the morning after pill? They are widely available now in the US and Canada, even on weekends. 

The topic ‘I made a mistake…please help!’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors